Here, once again, are some creatively phrased highlights from Captain Greg Corrales' weekly newsletter of the happenings at Park Station, and around the Upper Haight. Surprisingly, there are no amusing incidents to relay regarding fireworks on the Fourth of July. We are most disappointed.

If you care to subscribe, you can do so here.

Wednesday, July 3 9:00 AM - Crestline & Burnett - Poisoning of Dog
A dog ate a poison-laced meatball which he discovered on the ground. Over one hundred more poisoned meatballs were discovered along Crestline and along Burnett. SFPD Media Relations were contacted and they disseminated a Public Information Bulletin.

3:30 PM - Golden Gate Park - Lout on the Lam Located, Dolt Bolts
Officers Bodisco & Embody spotted a known wanted felon who immediately bolted. During the fugitive felon’s frantic flight fiasco, he ran into speeding traffic, bouncing off a moving automobile prior to his apprehension.

Saturday, July 6
4:40 AM - Alvord Lake - No Sleeping in Park
Officers Marucco & Machado cited a horde (7) of hapless, horizontal, hirsute hippies hibernating.

Sunday, July 7
5:50 PM - Haight & Cole - Urinating on American, Pickled in Public, Resisting Arrest
Officers Doherty & Fraize encountered a bellicose bully who had been urinating in the doorways of citizens. When a citizen objected, the gauche goon threatened and vulgarly excoriated the citizen. The loathsome lewd louse spewed obscenities at the officers, at which time it became apparent that he was intoxicated to the point that he was a danger to himself. The disgrace to humanity was incarcerated after a violent struggle. His cohort in crime was cited for possession of an open container of hooch.

Monday, July 8
4:39 PM - Fulton & Masonic - Booze Bandito Busted, Hooch Heist Averted
Officers Bucy & Letsch encountered an unsuccessful thief who had attempted to steal seven bottles of Jack Daniels whiskey. Although he was arrested, he did receive kudos for having high aspirations.

Previous highlights from Park Station.