It's time once again to hear a few highlights from the land known as the Upper Haight. Each week, Park Station Captain Greg Corrales rounds up the neighborhood's recent incidents and arrests, and while some of the events noted are not to be taken lightly (we note that the tragic accidental death of David Hamzeh after Bay Breakers, falling from that rooftop, gets just a quick, matter-of-fact mention amidst the chaos of that day), Corrales does his level best to insert some levity in the repetitious appearances of drunks, "scofflaws," pot dealers, and "flower children" who fall asleep in the park. He mostly does this through the use of old-timey and/or 25-cent words.

We missed last week's newsletter due to the holiday weekend, so below are actually highlights from two weeks of newsletters. Enjoy.

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Thursday May 16
5:15 p.m. - Waller & Clayton - Attempted Cell Phone Snatch

Victim was talking on her phone with her back to the street when the craven crook attempted to snatch the phone from her hand, to no avail. The pusillanimous predator then fled.

Saturday May 18
12:05 a.m. - Haight & Masonic - Lout on the Lam Located

Officers Daza & Lee spotted a furtive felon guzzling hooch, which he proudly declared was his favorite beverage. Further investigation revealed that the remorseless reprobate was a fugitive from justice with two active warrants out for his arrest, one of which was for drug crimes.

Sunday May 19
1:20 p.m. - Fell & Shrader - Grand Theft, Possession of Methamphetamine

Commander Ali, Lt. Vaswani, Sgt. Takaoka, and Officer Conway captured a master criminal who had just snatched the victim’s cell phone in an area being patrolled by a hundred police officers due to the Bay to Breakers Race.

3:29 p.m. - Fell & Cole - Death, Accidental
Victim fell four stories from a rooftop.

7:50 p.m. - Hayes & Central - Battery
Victim’s neighbor threw dog feces at her, striking her shoulder.

Monday May 20
6:17 p.m. - Divisadero & Page - Aggravated Assault, Bottle

The victim was stealing recyclables when he was hit over the head with a bottle by a brother recyclable thief, who ac- cused him of intruding onto the assailant’s “turf.” The victim was admonished regarding recyclable theft.

Thursday May 23
12:36 p.m. - Alvord Lake - Possession of Psilocybin for Sale, Possession of Marijuana for Sale, Possession of Methamphetamine, Possession of Hashish

Beat Officers Tacchini & Parker spotted a scoundrel skulking suspiciously. Further investigation revealed that the skulker was in possession of a dope smorgasbord, including psilocybin, methamphetamine, hashish, & The Weed with Roots in Hell.

Friday May 24
8:40 a.m. - Kimball Park - Misappropriation of Property Citation
Officer Diskin recovered a misappropriated shopping cart and cited the recidivist culprit who had misappropriated it.

Saturday May 25
2:40 p.m. - Haight and Stanyan - Pickled in Public

Beat Officers Dennis & Racine located a lethargic lush lurching. Further investigation revealed that the souse was sauced to the point that he was unable to care for himself.

Previous highlights from Park Station.