If you are currently in a relationship, kudos to you, and you may stop reading now. Seriously. Get out.
Okay, now that it's just us single ladies and dudes, allow us just to say, Hey, friends. It's going to be a fine day. No need to get all maudlin, or aggressively anti-Hallmark-holiday about this. Your couple friends are all going to go off and do the boring, requisite things that society has convinced them they must do today to validate their unions, spending money on lame prix fixes and depressing boxes of chocolate. But you have your freedom! The world remains replete with possibility, and the love you will eventually find will be so far superior to all these compromises your friends have made that you'll look back on these lonelier days and laugh. You will laugh loudly and feel wistful about the fact that you ever believed the universe was anything but generous.
But, for now, allow us to do our BuzzFeed-y best and suggest a few things that you absolutely should not do tonight if you know what's good for you. In the interest of preserving your dignity and self-respect, listen closely.
Do Not...
A. Wander a Bookstore By Yourself
Books are amazing, marvelous things. We love books. We hope that reading culture will thrive in the digital age. However now is not the time to go shopping for a new book. You will not find love in that bookstore, you will only find sadness, and people with cathair-covered clothing.
B. Drink By Yourself in an Unfamiliar Place
Let us clarify that drinking by oneself this evening is perfectly acceptable. Nay, it's encouraged. But doing so outside the comfort of one's home, or in a bar you don't frequent where they do not know your name or your emergency contact information, is asking for trouble. At the very least, you should have a friend with you to crack jokes/drown sorrows/pick up the pieces.
C. Post Anything on Facebook Whilst (or After) Drinking
That dastardly Facebook iPhone app has made drunken status updates all too tempting and easy, but we cannot stress this enough. Say nothing to your Facebook peanut gallery. Everything that needs to be said can wait until morning when you have a clearer head. Any deep thoughts you have about the idiocy of this holiday, or the people you just passed on the street with their arms interlocked looking intoxicated with their own bliss should be kept to yourself. No one needs to cringe reading something that you think sounds funny and self-deprecating but actually reads as deeply pathetic.
D. Dine at a Table for One
Who does this? No one. The occasional headstrong older female with her Kindle, perhaps, but not on V-Day. If you must eat out, you can find a convivial bar at which to sit, preferably one where they know you. (See above.)
E. Seek Out an Online Hookup
Whether it be OK Cupid, Grindr, or Craigslist, this is not a night for putting out a call for Valentine's Day BJs, or whathaveyou. Tonight is a night for porn. Porn, whiskey, and perhaps a few episodes of Archer. Any hooking up you need to do, like updating your Facebook status, can absolutely wait until tomorrow. And we don't think we need to tell you that this is not a night for first dates, no matter how above-it-all you think you may be. This is Valentine's Day. No one needs that pressure, or that bizarre, sentimental framework for a first date. It won't make for a good story. You're kidding yourself if you think it's going to be totally cool. Just do not do it. For the love of god. Please.
