Last year, the Mr. Marina Competition saw fourteen of the 94123's most unabashed bro-hams waggling their dongs while drinking away any hint of homoeroticism that arises from being a contestant in a male beauty pageant -- a pageant that raised over $80,000 for cancer research. It proved a fascinating spectacle to say the least. In 2013, the competition returns with a fresh class of ten new pledges hoping to one-up their big brothers in this dubious fraternity. These are those gentlemen.
The competition will again consist of three rounds: a swimwear portion, a talent portion and a "Marina-wear" Q&A session. If last year's competition is any indication, "swimwear" will consist of boat shoes and speedos, while talents will mostly be limited to feats of turbo alcoholism. To really add to the bro-factor here, the venue has been upgraded and will now take place Wednesday, March 20th at Ruby Skye. (Which: obviously not in the Marina, but home to many a fist-pumping vodka soda drinker.)
While we wait for tickets to go on sale next Friday, January 18th we feel like this is as good a time as any to familiarize ourselves with the Mr. Marina class of 2013. We couldn't make up these descriptions if we tried:
- Rodney Alexander Decomo Schmitt, or just "Schmitt," because who gives a Schmitt about all those other names? Schmitt claims to have reached puberty at the age of nine and "the only thing Schmitt likes more than Marina Mommies, is the opportunity to rip his shirt off while shot gunning a bud light at Frat Mason." (Ed. Note: Ahem.)
- Long Island native Ben Hartard probably dealt with a lot of a lot name-calling in grade school, but later went on to become a Guinness World Record holder in Badminton — a sport largely preferred by upperclass white people. He enjoys tandem bike rides with his bro along Crissy Field and delivered his high school's Valedictory address in a neon Speedo.
- David "Rusty" Rust is the poster boy for ride sharing service Lyft on Facebook. He enjoys wearing Red Stripe-branded tank tops and wiping the sweat off his brow with his Stanford towel. He also learned to play the piano after visiting Havana at age 14, so he's a worldly fellow.
- David St. Geme writes his bio in the first person: "Oh, hello there. I failed to notice you sitting there staring at me. I'm David. I'm a pretty normal guy, I guess. I graduated from Stanford in 2010 with a degree in Economics, so I guess you could say I know my way around a 1 dollar bill. In my spare time I love to be outdoors and go to the beach. Sometimes I just like to go to exotic islands and soak in the vitamin D. Also, dolphins love me. I also like to make my mark on the athletic field. I mean, I played intramural floor hockey in college, but it's not that big of a deal." Cool story, bro.
- Ismail "Ish" Simpson brings some diversity to the contestant pool (and a touch of class, we might add — look at that pocket square!) and spent his childhood growing up as an army brat before settling in San Francisco-via-Palo Alto. "At Stanford, Ish sharpened his competitive spirit and improved his alcohol tolerance as a member of the Stanford football team." When he's not drinking at the local Marina watering holes, he can be found "making one hand catches over your cheese and fruit spread" at Fort Mason and making friends "from the barbershop to the boardroom."
- Jason Del Grande boasts a San Francisco pedigree not often found in the transplant-ridden Marina District. His italian family owns the celebrated Swan Oyster Depot on Polk Street, his Great Uncle was apparently on the very first 49ers squad in 1946 and his grandfather used to own a grocery store in North Beach before he lost a battle with Leukemia. Jason now lives on a stretch of Fillmore Street where it is apparently very difficult to find parking.
- Johnny Affourtit has "impeccable flow" that allegedly makes women crumble. His "well-rounded" interests include: fist-pumping at Lightning, drinking scotch at Reed & Greenough, dinner at Delarosa and patrolling Union Street surrounded by "a bevy of blonde beauties." He claims he would make a great candidate for Mr. Marina 2013 because he has a lot of likes on Instagram.
- John Kennelly likes to enjoy the two beers at twilight special on the Presidio Golf Course, where he holds two holes-in-one and is two-time defending champ of the "Golf Bros Invitational" competition. He once met Brian Wilson and Pat Burrell at Delarosa on Chestnut Street the day after the 2010 World Series.
- Manton Alexander Paine urges any takers to find a more yuppie name than his. He has an affinity for women in white pants, does not personally own jeans and has summered in Nantucket since he was three years old. Tour buses through the Presidio often stop to point out the epic day parties thrown on his lawn and he eats more meals at Cape Cod-theme taqueria Tacko than at his own home.
- Peter O'Hare spent five years at UC Santa Barbara "because anything less would be leaving a party at 10 p.m." Before moving to the Marina to live on campus, he was popping his collar along Polk Street and searching for boxers and hot chicks at Lululemon. He often works out shirtless to show off his spray tan from Solar Planet and is not afraid to sip fruity drinks and rock stunner shades like Kanye's 2008 Glow in the Dark tour.
So, there you have it. The 2012 winner took home a prize package that included a year's worth of bottomless mimosas at Circa, 10% off Uber Cab rides that end in the Marina, 12 months worth of manly tank tops and more. Tickets for the March 20th event are $25.00 and include a 1-hour open bar of Skyy Vodka and Peroni Beer. Proceeds go to benefit Slap Cancer and the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. And if you buy a ticket in your favorite contestant's name, you'll be casting a vote for them as the reigning king of the Marina in 2013.