Let's all take a minute to laugh at these awesome, uncouth monsters, as well as their pedestrian palates, for writing one-star reviews of four-star restaurants. Inspired by the Gurgling Cod's peek at a laughable one-star review given to the French Laundry, we present to you very cross, very cranky one-star gems hurled at some of the country's best restaurants located right here in the Bay Area.
(* = three-star Michelin)


Kristin C. (Edwardsville, IL): "My husband and I dined at Benu while on a recent trip to San Francisco. We had many amazing meals during our stay, but Benu was not one of them. First of all, the pretentiousness was so thick you could cut it with a knife. We are accustomed to high end restaurants, and expect a level of confidence when a restaurant puts out great food. This place was just ridiculous. Portion sizes were terribly small, and again, if the food was amazing we would have been okay with it, but the meal was very forgettable (and pricey). We expected more out of a former French Laundry chef. Please go somewhere else that deserves your money."


Cyndy L. (Oakland, CA): "Ugh. The food tasted good when I was eating it but I got sick afterwards. Probably from the quail, which was almost raw. I had to send the quail back because I like my birds cooked. The snooty waitress acted like it was normal to serve poultry half raw. I called to complain about getting sick and the manager told me that I could not have gotten sick at Chez Panisse because Chez Panisse food does not make people sick."


Megan H. (San Francisco, CA): "How is it possible to spend $100 on a 3 course meal and leave hungry?! I dined here last weekend and upon exiting this sorry excuse for a restaurant we immediately went up the street and bought slices of pizza that were much more satisfying!"


Jen A. (San Francisco, CA): "The list of THEIR requirements for MY $1,000+ dinner was obscene. And in addition to taking all THEIR sh**, they add in a gratuity of 22%. If I really want to be annoyed, I'll listen to Nancy Grace on television--I won't pay someone astronomical prices to have everything THEIR way. Table service and food can be great, but to put guests through this torture, makes me think they should be paying us for the abuse."


Brandon R. (San Francisco, CA): "Had to try it once...I guess. But I don't plan to return. The very green sommelier didn't know the origination of several bottles of wine (from neighboring Sonoma no less). And the staff sang 'happy birthday' to not one, but two different parties. What is this? TGIFrench Laundry?? I want my $1200 back."


Leesa P. (San Francisco, CA): "Thanks for the poo-flu."


Jarod L. (Fremont, CA): "Before you start saying, 'ok so this guy is just complaining about the portions/quantity' I'll now describe the food itself. Every entree that came out had something wrong. The beef dish was undercooked (90% raw), the duck dish had an extremely bitter sauce, the oyster muse wasn't fresh, the dessert had some odd super sour flavor, this odd egg muse had some really bad sour cream on the top layer (it was served inside a partially cut egg). I could go on and on, but I'm trying to forget the awful experience. Oh and the bread they served wasn't even fresh or warm. "


Killing Me Softly (San Francisco, CA): "I have a funny story about Quince. My fiance (at the time) booked a table for our second anniversary dinner. When he made the booking, he mentioned the occasion and spelled out our names, at their request. On the night in question, we arrived and again introduced ourselves. When we sat down to dinner, they produced us with a personalised menu. It said 'Happy Anniversary KMS and Leonard,' to which my fiance turned to me and demanded 'Who's Leonard??!!.' If you're going to do it, get it right. Not even close!"


Jenny C. (Dalu City, CA): "I thought about whether to give it one or two stars, but considering I would not want to come back here even if I was on a carriage drawn by 100 horses with a swarm of bees chasing me..... ONE! Such a disappointment. The food was innovative, and some dishes were quite good. A few I wasn't crazy about, but food alone would've stood at a solid 3.5 stars, which is still not justifiable at this price. Service considering it's 'fine dining', absolutely horrendous. I don't need a lot, just give me good food, check on me, give me what I asked for, and that's all I need. But it's too much to ask for at this establishment."

Heathens, all of them.

[via Eater]