We are elated to bring you news that a non-professional pie contest, happening this Saturday at Party On Black 18, is poised to turn sister against sister, mother against son, and friend into enemy. It's pie. It's brutal. It's on.

Pies must be able to be served cold or at room temperature. They must also contain no walnuts since walnuts are vile and taste like charred aspirin. (Actually, it's fine if you use walnuts, weirdo.) We were told by pie committee executives that, yes, tarts are perfectly acceptable. Galettes might be pushing it. Cakes, however, are verboten. Except for cheesecake, which, technically, falls under the pie umbrella.

Pie categories are as follows: fruit, chocolate, nut, or other. It's $20 to enter, and all pie contest proceeds will be donated to Party on Block 18 beneficiaries (i.e., 826 Valencia, the Women's Building, Nextcourse, Holy Family Day Home, Buen Dia, and 18 Reasons). The winners will be announced live.

And the judges? Two of our favorite writers and people in San Francisco media: columnist Leah Garchik (SF Chronicle) and Food Editor Tamara Palmer as celeb judges. Pies will be judged on the following criteria: appearance, crust, taste, originality of recipe.

The warm-fruit and lattice-work blood bath happens Saturday, September 29, at 3639 18th Street. Judging will start at about 1 or 1:30 p.m.