So much has been said, shouted, and ballyhooed about the 99%, so let's talk about the 1%, shall we? Specifically, the de-lovely Denise Hale. For those of you not in the know, Hale was featured in one of the most important pieces of journalism of our time. In addition to hanging out with homosexuals and working at her cattle ranch near Cloverdale--why not?--she's a national treasure encrusted in actual treasures. Furthermore, she has the unadulterated adoration of prominent food scribe Michael Bauer.

In today's Between Meals, a must-read wherein Bauer answers readers' most pressing gastronomic concerns, a diner (well into his 50s, if you can imagine) asks:

When it comes to certain types of higher end restaurants, the Kokkaris and Waterbars of the world, for example, aside from table availability and the luck of the draw in terms of actual table availability, how much of a role does the appearance of the diners make, in the choice of tables?

Bauer's response? "If you're wearing a North Face jacket and/or toe shoes, you should have your throats slit in front of your children, your bodies burned at dawn and your ashes buried far under the salted earth." Okay, no, not really. Bauer did not say that. However, he probably wanted to... just like any other rational human being with a soul.

His real response is as follows:

I’m sure different restaurants have different policies. However, appearance is important. Have you noticed that at some high-end restaurants with valet parking there is a disproportionate number of Bentleys or other high-end cars around? The same could be said for papering prominent places in the restaurant with pretty people.

Denise Hale is one of the best examples of dressing for the occasion. See her in any restaurant, casual or formal, and she’s bejeweled with diamond and sapphire earrings and equally impressive necklaces and bracelets. Her face is well known in the society pages, but she also knows that people pay attention to things like appearances.

That’s the extreme case and it works for her.

Point being? Don't look like a goddamn pig while attempting to score a non-reservation table at a fancy spoon. Or, if you can swing it, bring a socialite with you.