To Little Miss Golden Gate Park, princess of the City,

Honey, I'm sick of you and your flat-ass panhandle getting all the attention. You think you're the only park in the whole City of San Francisco? Well listen up greenbeard, 'cause it's time somebody showed you the real San Francisco.

You know that sparkling brilliance that lights up the night sky south of Chavez? That's me GG, and my name is Miss McLaren Park -- Lady McLaren if you're nasty.

And I am here to say my time has come. It's a new generation baby, and you're yesterday's news. You can promenade around over there in the fog acting like you own this City, but you and your act are played out grandma.

So flatty, here is where you learn this park is all park. I got curves and hidin' places you never knew existed in the City -- more than 300 acres of voluptuous hills and hollows for people to climb and explore.

Views? I got more views than the editorial page. Better views than you can ever hope to see. Follow one of my seven miles of paths and you can see a dreamy picture of Bernal Heights framed by downtown and the Bay Bridge in the background. When you hike west to my water tower, you can almost see the ocean. On a clear day, you can look across the bay and see the tower at UC Berkeley -- well, I can see it just fine GG. How 'bout you?

What's that? Running and mountain biking you say? Well, I've got trails all over this luscious physique of mine. Jog out to the southeast, and you can stand on my lookout and see the whole glorious South Bay. I can practically see those sexy 49'er boys in their costumes every football season at the Stick. Remember the olden days when the 49'ers played in your backyard?

Don't forget Fido GG. Do you have a place for furry friends to swim? I have one of the only dog swimming holes this side of the bay. Fido knows who's the best.

And the kiddies do too. Little ones can climb all over my jungle gyms and special park areas. GG you haven't cornered the market on hippie fun either. I've got the Jerry Garcia amphitheatre. You can even rent it out and get down with me all springtime long. I've got Spaulding and Lacey covered too. How does a full 18-holes of golf course sound? That's right baby, 18 holes, and plenty of tennis courts for people to play with their balls.

So take that GG. You're not the only green space on the block anymore. You'll see. People are checking me out, and pretty soon the whole City will know I'm all that.


Lady McLaren