by Daisy Barringer
Remember last week when I said the 49ers had a good shot at beating the Bears? I realize after the debacle that was yesterday’s performance it seems I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I promise you, if there was one game this train wreck of a team could have won this season this was it.
I mean, going into yesterday the Bears had won two games all season. They were on their third starting quarterback, were without their two top receivers and their top tight end, and they’re just not a very good at football.
But lucky for us and that number two draft pick, the 49ers are worse. Way, way worse. Which means this team is making history just not in the way you want.
Six net passing yards. SIX!!! In the entire game. That’s the second-worst total in franchise history, and frankly the biggest shock there is not even that Kap and Gabbert were only able to pass for six yards TOTAL but that another 49ers team at some point in history passed for less. That was in 1963 against the Detroit Lions when they “passed” for minus-10 yards. I was not alive to see it, but all I can say is that I hope it’s another 50 years before anything like that happens again. And I hope I’m dead when it does because no fan deserves to be subjected to such horrible football.
Also, yes, I said Kap and Gabbert. That’s because Chip Kelly benched Colin Kaepernick in the fourth quarter because he thought “we needed a spark on offense.” He’s right. We do need a spark on offense. But if he actually believed that Blaine Gabbert was going to be that spark, I’m a little concerned about his ability to do his job. Frankly, I wouldn’t even care if he were going to get fired, like most coaches who go 1-15 would. (Yes, I’m calling it now; the 49ers won’t win another game this season.) But all of the reports (okay, fine, just Jay Glazer, but he seems to know everything) are saying that Chip Kelly isn’t going anywhere next year. That he’s keeping his job as head coach. Yeah. Sorry if you thought Jed York was actually going to make any kind of changes in an effort to prevent this team from being the laughing stock of the NFL, but it appears that he’s too busy swimming Scrooge McDuck-style through his piles and piles of cash to actually do his job and make tough decisions.
I’m actually starting to wonder if Trent Baalke will even be fired. Any rational person would have to think he gets the axe since our disaster of a roster is undeniably his fault. But the way Baalke has been talking lately—saying “If we don’t get it done, put it on me” and that he feels bad for the fans, but also that he feels bad for “the ownership in particular” kind of makes me feel like he is somehow going to keep his job. Like he feels comfortable saying all of that because he knows he’s not going anywhere. Like he says that but then puts on his swim trunks and dives into the money pool with Jed for a friendly game of Marco Polo. Because I promise you when I screw up at my job (like trying to write this column with the biggest hangover of my life), I don’t announce it to everyone unless I feel confident it’s not going to change anything. (Ohmygod, please don’t let it change anything. I’m sorry I stayed out until 2 a.m. on a Sunday night and I promise I’ll never do it again!)
I want to believe that Jed York will fire Baalke if only so he doesn’t have to listen to the fans screaming at him to do so. Except that Jed York doesn’t listen to the fans. Sure, we fly banners over the stadium telling him how much he sucks and yes, we aggressively tweet at him about how he’s ruining this franchise, but he’s for sure averting his eyes at the first sight of any banners and there’s no way he’s checking his Twitter mentions just to be reminded of the entire city of San Francisco despises him. He’s unqualified to hold his position and sucks at his job, yes, but he’s no Donald Trump. At the very least, he’s smart enough to avoid the hate. So, maybe he just doesn’t care. Maybe none of this matters to him. I guess we’ll see come January if he can put on his big boy pants and make some legitimate moves or if he’s just the little (what’s a word that’s not as sexist as bitch?) we all know him to be.
Okay back to the game that I hope you didn’t watch because you deserve happiness and not the misery that is 2016 49ers football. (Probably could have just stopped after 2016 with that one )
So yeah. Kap was benched for Gabbert. I don’t think that means anything. I fully expect Kap to start next week against the Jets. But he better step up his play if he really does plan to be an unrestricted free agent in 2017. He’s already turned a lot of owners off with his protest and politics; he’s going to have to show he’s worth the headache that comes with his presence.
Our offense sucks. Our defense sucks. Our special teams has moments, but they don’t matter because everyone else sucks. And all of the other stuff I’ve been saying for the last 12 weeks that doesn’t need to be repeated again.
Chip Kelly’s father died two days before the game. That’s sad, of course, but it’s not so sad that I’m going to skip over pointing out that there’s no way in hell Chip Kelly should have had this team practicing for a snow game in FLORIDA. I saw a photo of someone squirting water from a bottle onto the hands of holder Bradley Pinion during practice as a way to get him ready for the snowstorm and assumed it was a joke. Turns out the joke’s on me. That’s legit how the 49ers prepared their players to play in freezing cold temps and dumping snow. They dripped water onto their hands in 80 degree weather. I mean If that doesn’t sum it all up then Rashard Robinson’s snow angel celebration/15-yard penalty for a touchdown that didn’t even happen definitely does.
Ladies and Gentleman: This is YOUR San Francisco 49ers. Our San Francisco 49ers. It’s really no wonder I went out and drank so much last night. Jed York is literally driving me to do it.
Next Week: The (3-8) New York Jets travel to Levi’s Stadium. They’re bad. But we’re so much worse. I want to say maybe we’ll win, but for sure we lose.