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Last Thursday, Bay Area dad Ben Patterson was on toddler duty. As he explained in a May 13 Facebook post, his wife was out with friends, and so as a result he was watching the kids solo. Unfortunately for Patterson, things took a turn for the hellishly vomit inducing — and a random concerned lady made sure the experience was extra awful. Fortunately for us, his post to Facebook of screengrabs of the ensuing text narration to his wife was picked up by parenting blog Scary Mommy.
"So this just happened," wrote Patterson after texting a photo of their vomit-covered son, Declan. "I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up myself. Call me"
Needless to say, his wife Stephanie who was likely by this time distracted with her friends, did not call him. And so his messages continued unanswered.
I just threw up trying to clean him up
It smells SO BAD
I'm standing on the side of the road dry heaving, I can't even be in the car it's so awful
I seriously don’t know what to do, I’m barfing every time I try to clean him up
I’m puking on some lady’s lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I’m drunk while driving the kids
I’m trying to explain that I’m a sympathetic vomiter and can’t handle the smell
This is SO BAD
Aaaaand now the cops showed up
Aaaaand now a breathalyzer
YOU OWE ME SO BIG
meanwhile Declan continues to barf
WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER
ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!!
At least I passed the breathalyzer
Trying to drive home with the windows down and breathing through my shirt
Ah, the joys of parenthood.
Update: Apparently this story of parenting terror was just too
good grotesque to be true, with dad Ben Patterson updating his original Facebook post to admit that he fabricated elements of the barfventure for "dramatic effect."
"I just wanted to clarify that while the rest of the story is true, the part about the police coming and the breathalyzer was just something I added for dramatic effect for my wife in the moment," wrote Patterson. "Now that the story has blown up, I wouldn’t want anyone to think badly of the Burlingame PD because I was joking! The truth counts."
This post has been updated throughout.