You can often tell through just a few clues in the text and tone of a Craigslist listing if potential roommates are going to be total dicks. And such is the case with this listing for a room for rent in the Excelsior which, right away, you know is annoying because it's selling itself as a "master bedroom" even though the thing has got a twin bed in it.

It's actually a "Lovely Fully Furnished Master Bedroom with Private bath," and it may be furnished, sadly, as such in order for use as an Airbnb — Clue #1 leads me to that conclusion because it says that the three housemates "love meeting and sharing our City with people from around the world."

Now, why would you rent a furnished room like this, implying that it needs to stay furnished this way, and put a twin bed in there when there is clearly room for a queen? The room is listed as being 300 square feet, which is an ample sized room, and the photos make it look fairly spacious.

So why, unless you're hoping to rent to a priest or a nine-year-old, would you have a twin bed in there?


And who the fuck hung that art? That is not how to hang art.

Much like this Airbnb pad turned monthly rental in Noe Valley, the tenants here have some rules to lay down about overnight guests. In the case of the Noe Valley one, they said "no overnight guests," which isn't even legal or enforceable I don't think.

In this case, they're telegraphing it by way of that twin bed and the decidedly unsexy doily-flower-teapot combination on that side table — i.e. in the empty space where a larger bed could be.


The text of the ad states, "Please do not bring strangers into our house without asking us first." So, I guess that means a group text at 2 a.m. any time you feel like having a one-night stand?

Oh, but that wouldn't be allowed either because "Quiet hours [are] from 10 pm - 8 am." Because these people are clearly a barrel of laughs, and unfamiliar with the joys of a drunken hookup. Also: NO SMOKING anywhere, including outside. The number of feet that a smoker needs to be away from the home is not provided.

Things also get a little granny and weird in the shared living room, which only gets a terrible blurry photo and includes a green leather sofa.


Nice peacock.

The public swimming pool in nearby Balboa Park is used as an another amenity, "Featuring dimensions of 100' x 40' and six lanes."

The rules above, and the inconsiderately blurry, single photo of the common area imply a fair degree of asshole-ishness, I would surmise, as does the withering tone of the final two sentences of the ad. "If you break something, spill something, stain something, etc. please let us know! Practice common courtesy do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers."

So negative! The first sentence leaps ahead of all the formalities of whether you want to live there or whether they might select you, and jumps right back into the rules. The second sentence, which no spammer is ever going to get to by the way, is just one of those useless warnings from someone who spends a lot of time angrily unsubscribing from newsletters and sales pitches from department stores.

The total rent here for that "lovely" furnished abstinence chamber is $1800 a month, so not terrible but that great either, given all of the above. Also: Excelsior.

Amusingly, there's a weekly rate too, because they're obviously using Airbnb too and don't really want another roommate — only look at the top of the ad... "Weekly $560 / Monthly $1800 / Weekly $500."

So which is it? $560 or $500?

I would suggest neither, because you'd be better off living in this hostel on a bunk bed for, I believe, $760 a month, although that might be the weekly rate too.

All previous editions of Apartment Sadness.