by Daisy Barringer
This team is a joke. This season is a joke. This stadium’s a joke. The only problem? No one’s laughing.
While I am sure we all agree that the 49ers performance against the Seattle Seahawks in last night’s “football” game was a complete fiasco, there is actually something lovely that occurred as a result. We can officially all stop pretending like the Niners have a shot in hell at the playoffs. Football season for SF is over 2.5 months early and while I am masochist who will continue to watch, just think of what this means for your Sundays. Hikes in Marin, spontaneous drives down 101, lingering brunches with bottomless mimosas. No longer will you be a slave to your television because if the 49ers aren’t actually going to show up and play football, there’s zero reason for you to show up and watch!
I made the agonizing drive to Santa Clara for the game yesterday. Night games at Levi’s Stadium have thus far proved to be the only ones where there’s even a small amount of excitement and I despise the Seahawks so I wanted to be there in the off chance we won. Plus, I DVR “Grey’s Anatomy,” “Scandal,” and “How to Get Away with Murder” so I really had nothing else going on. Why not go watch some football, right?
Except that I didn’t actually get to see any football. Fine, maybe a little from the Seahawks, but from the Niners? Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. You get it. Seriously, that may have been one of the most boring football games I’ve ever attended and I’ve attended a LOT of football games. Even the vodka (the one good thing about Levi’s besides the bathrooms is the full bar on the main concourse) couldn’t save the evening.
How dismal was it? Well, Kaepernick had 13 completions on 24 attempts for 124 yards with zero touchdowns and zero rushing yards. And while the offensive line sucks and allowed him to be sacked SIX times, he was unable to find a man downfield even when they did allot him a little time. I don’t know what his problem is—if he’s trying to be something he’s not, if his coaches are steering him in the wrong direction, or if he just is a complete bust—but he looked really, really, really bad. Really bad. Plus, it doesn’t help his cause that Reggie Bush, Quinton Patton, and Torrey Smith all had drops. (Vernon Davis did finally show up and catch four passes for 61 yards, but unfortunately for him, it ultimately meant nothing.)
Carlos Hyde also only ran for 40 yards on 11 attempts, but he has a stress fracture in his foot that kept him out of a lot of the game and I like him, so that’s all there is to say about that.
The Niners defense was probably the highlight of the night (well, the highlight of the night was the inflatable penis with Jed York’s name on it that was being passed around the crowd—and the vodka), but that’s really not saying much since they still allowed Marshawn Lynch to run for 122 yards and still let the Seahawks get 20 points on the board. Five sacks and two interceptions I mean, good job or whatever.
I don’t have a single nice thing to say about the coaches, but again, those guys aren’t really qualified to be coaches in the first place, so I guess I can’t blame them for the fact that they forgot to tell the 49ers players there was a football game on Thursday. They did make some really questionable calls on 4th-and-short later in the game, punting when I would have gone for it, but I’m not the coach, even though I might as well be since I think an M.F.A. in Creative Writing and the ability to nod in agreement with everything higher ups say are the exact qualifications Jed York and Trent Baalke are looking for in the people they choose to lead this team. (I actually only have the former, so nevermind.)
Yeah, sadly, the only dude from Seattle who got a beat down at Levi’s Stadium last night was the fan in the Seahawks’ jersey who walked by me during halftime, leaned over, and said, “Show me your pussy.” Probably that dude is used to sexually harassing women who just ignore him in an attempt to make it go away. Probably that dude didn’t think I’d actually stop him in his tracks and threaten to get an usher (like they would have done anything). Probably that dude didn’t actually care that I humiliated him, demanded an apology, and then made him say it again, “Only this time like you actually mean it.” And probably that dude isn’t reading this, although since he’s from Berkeley (?!?) maybe he is. If you are, dude? You’re literally The Worst kind of dude there is and I wish there were a way to keep “men” like you from ever going in public. That being said: Of COURSE you’re a Seahawks fan. Of course you are.
Anyway, just another day at a football game if you’re a woman. Yay!
Mostly: the 49ers looked totally pathetic on national television against a team that had also only won two going into last night. Mostly: there is absolutely zero hope for this year’s team, a team that is suddenly “rebuilding,” an effort that looks like it is going to take years. Mostly: we’re never going to hear from Jed York, a joke of an owner who I hold responsible for this team’s failure and who begged to be held accountable, but has seemingly crawled into a cave where he laughs and laughs as he counts his pile of money.
This team is a joke. This season is a joke. This stadium’s a joke. The only problem? No one’s laughing.
Next Week: SF flies to St. Louis to take on the (2-3) Rams. Maybe we’ll win. Probably we’ll lose. But what do you care? You’ll be climbing Mount Tam and then enjoying a three Bloody Mary brunch. As you should be.
