I must be getting jaded, ladies and gentlemen, because when this ad for a $6800/mo "custom" one-bedroom first was shown to me a week or so ago, my first instinct was "yeah that sounds about right." Of course there is nothing right about this, and that price is insane, even though I'm pretty sure that someone downstairs from me is paying something just shy of that for an apartment of a similar size. So for those of us who aren't frugal enough to go live in a shipping container on an industrial lot in Oakland but still aren't silly enough to spend $82,000 a year in rent, let's take a look around this thing, shall we?
The apartment has been given a name, as if this were a listing for a Peninsula estate: the Parkside Paragon. [gag]
The neighborhood is listed as "Dolores / Noe / Eureka Heights", but the intersection of Cumberland and Church is basically the edge of the Castro. The ad actually says it's "Located at the crossroads of several different boroughs," suggesting that the realtor might not be from here. "Nestled in between the suburban charm of Noe Valley and the quirkiness of the Mission," it reads, "mere steps from both the J Church MUNI line [and] the Mission St. BART stations."
And yes, it's spitting distance from everyone's favorite free amenity though it will only be half open for the next eight months or so Dolores Park. But if you're spending $6800 a month in rent are you really slumming with the unwashed hordes drinking PBR on the weekends? I think not.
Here's another angle on that custom-painted living room. The unit, by the way, comes furnished, so it's a total turnkey affair for that bougie tech exec just arrived from New York with nothing but a couple of Louis Vuitton bags.
Oh, and here's one more view toward the kitchen, because it is there that you will be preparing many Blue Apron meals and/or unboxing and plating your lukewarm dinners from Sprig in between episodes of Million Dollar Listing SF.
The place is decorated, as you can see, in bold colors with an appropriately eclectic, 20-teens-ish mix of furniture styles and graphic prints. Should you decide to sign on the dotted line for this pre-furnished affair, the only thing you'll have to worry about is dressing yourself in the same understated high style, because otherwise the backdrop of this living room will only serve to cast your slovenly sweatclothes in sharp relief.
The open kitchen, as you can see, has some plenty nice finishes, and there is dining space for exactly four petite people, with petit asses.
There is a small terrace overlooking the street, but be warned, it does appear that terrace is shared. Lord knows who lives next door, but chances are they are not paying $6,800 and they will not like you.
And didn't I say it was spitting distance from Dolores Park? It is quite literally. There it is right there, the closed southern half anyway.
The bedroom is actually quite small! And it could use some art, or a bit more decoration anyway than those little glass box things to the right.
The mirrored closet seems kind of chintzy, and probably harkens to the era when the place was last remodeled, in the 70s. Way chintz on those closet doors, greedy landlord!
In the bathroom you'll find some harsh lighting, a shower curtain you'll want to replace immediately, and some sleek steel fixtures befitting of a W hotel room.
Alas, there is an in-unit washer/dryer for those days when you have so much time on your hands that you decide not to let Washio do your laundry.
Because it is 2015. You just landed some angel funding. You don't even do your own grocery shopping anymore, and you just signed a lease for $6,800 a month because you couldn't be bothered with decorating, and you'll probably only be here for a year anyway.
American dollars go pretty far in Costa Rica, or so you've been told, and you might just have to retire there when you're 36.
But in the meantime, you've got this sweet apartment near Dolores Park, and your realtor Cameron convinced you it's an awesome deal for this neighborhood especially. Zuck lives right up the street!
Back to reality for a second. While I went on my tangent imagining the douchey character who might ultimately rent this place, I should point out that this ad has been up for 16 days, and despite a bunch of people sharing it on social media already, basically to chuckle about how stupidly expensive it is, no one's taken it yet, and the ad is still up.
Doesn't anyone want this sweet bachelor pad / starter home for the wealthy? Will Cameron the realtor have to drop the price on the Parkside Paragon to get someone to bite? He might want to take note that you can get a 3-bedroom with a view in the new Jasper, which is likely chasing the same sort of new-tech-money renter as this property, for just two hundred dollars more a month, or $6999. So maybe it's a little high?
Hear that, Cameron? Maybe $6,800 was aiming A LITTLE GODDAMN HIGH FOR A ONE-BEDROOM.