I don't even know what to make of this Lower Nob Hill sublet that appears to be the current home of of either a) a very messy hooker, or b) a self-employed businesswoman who likes to be dirty sometimes (sexually). It's advertised as furnished, and as is often the case the furnishings are not a selling point. There's a crappy futon, a desk, and a very cluttered looking office area that perhaps doubles as a vanity/make-up area, as well as a "make-shit" [sic] kitchenette because this is perhaps some kind of SRO or communal living situation. The Craigslist ad refers to it as a "jr. 1 bedroom" but what it actually is is two rooms without a door between them, and a bathroom. The price? $1785 a month, with a full move-in cost of $5,570 (first, last, and deposit).

Below you can see what this "make-shit" kitchenette consists of: some Metro shelves, a hot plate, a toaster, microwave, a fly strip (upper left), and a stand-alone dishwasher (not pictured). There's also a smallish fridge which is over in the office section that you see above. Note that kitchenette photo has been used as a marketing tool for an Airbnb rental. Dear god.


Then check out this photo from the other side of the same room. The suitcases and closet with no door are a nice touch. This is one of those situations, actually, where the poster should have considered showing fewer photos.


A telling fact: there is "also a community [kitchen] just down the all with a large counter, sink and full sized oven." So, yeah, this isn't a real apartment.

But what really takes the prize are the bathroom photos, which include a shower equipped with an obvious douche nozzle, and a sink that appears to have a plumber's snake sticking out of it. And some random plastic hoses leading to god knows what. Also, it looks filthy. Like, a-little-Pine-Sol-aint-gonna-cut-it filthy.


I'm really confused about the bedroom. As you can see below, there's one photo of the bedroom area in daylight, and then another photo at night where, magically, there's suddenly a stripper pole? And a leopard-print duvet? Is that the same room? One clue may be in that leopard pillow you see in the daylight photo.



The stripper pole is not listed as an amenity, but then there's this other blurry photo that appears to be showing off a projection TV situation, with the stripper pole clearly visible again at right. And is that lesbian foot-fetish porn??


Now, the reason I say this could be the home of some kind of self-employed person is because of the double-monitor situation on the desk in the first photo above. And the current tenant — who actually does not mention that this is a sublet until the very final line of the ad, referring to it as "Glitterhaus sublet" — says she'll be leaving behind a media server that's filled with "33000 hours of commericial-less TV programs and movies." And I say it's a woman because there's that makeup area with the makeup brushes by the window — but who knows! It could be a drag queen. Or a couple.


So, would you like to spend $1785 on this fun pad and still probably have to move again soon? And check out all the **** that are in the ad — is this person kind of crazy, perhaps? There's some serious exclaiming going on here:

** appointment deposit may be required!!! **
DO NOT tell me your whole life story! Just age, job, a couple hobbies, etc.

But by all means, get in touch. Douche nozzle included!

All previous editions of Apartment Sadness.