San Francisco's annual footrace-themed cosplay shitshow, also known as Straight Pride, aims to set new records this year at the behest of recently announced title sponsor Zappos.com.
The event, already the longest consecutively run footrace in the world, was born in the aftermath of the 1906 earthquake. Not content with that title alone, the online shoe and apparel store has put forth the theme "Bay To Breaking Records," and as CBS5 reports, will hire officials from RecordSetter.com for on-site adjudication of whimsical new world records.
Nonsense feats will include the "largest group to simultaneously bite into a loaf of sourdough bread" and culminate in the meta-accomplishment of “Most World Records Set During a Road Race.”
Zappos is soliciting further ideas on their website. Winning record recommendations will be announced a week in advance of the race. Here, some records likely to be broken at Bay To Breakers 2015, whether Zappos likes it or not.
- Most gorilla-suited human beings to simultaneously vomit.
- Highest volume of visible penises at a non-Pride event.
- Largest concentration of pasties at a non-Mardi Gras event.
- Most numerous rollerblade fails recorded in a single day.
- Fewest local, state, and federal laws respected in a single park area.
- Most nudists simultaneously baiting police.
- Greatest density of unplanned, intoxicated nudity.
- Most bedraggled, playa-scented wigs at a non-Burning Man event.
- Highest frequency of complaints that Bay to Breakers is "over" (until next year).