Google's geekiest and most misunderstood piece of jewelry went on sale to the general public today, which means there will be even more people wearing computers on their faces in the near future. Here now are some ground rules for when it is and is not acceptable to sport such a flashy, controversial piece of Google technology.
In The Privacy of Your Own Home
Are you inside your own apartment alone? This is, of course, the ideal place to be wearing a computer on your face. The downside to this is that the Glass user in this case does not get the satisfaction of having countless other people ask, "are those Google glasses?"
On the Street
Should you venture out of your home only to discover your constant reliance on technology has left you in need of some direction, your face computer will prove useful as it guides you with an overlay of the normal human world. Please note, however, that you will be laughed at when you fall into an open manhole cover.
In Bars and Restaurants
In any bar that has not specifically invited you to bring toys, you do not need to be wearing a computer on your face. Yes, we know it doesn't record all the time. No, people are not being mean to you because they're luddites. They think it's awkward and no one will ever take you seriously while a hollow little camera lens stares them in the face.
At Media Events
Are you a semi-famous person who needs to stand out on the red carpet? Congratulations, C-Lister, we're excited that you got such an interesting endorsement deal.
Standing in Line at the Bathroom/at the Movies/Almost Anywhere
Your face computer is obnoxious in most group public settings where you are in close proximity to others who do not want to think you are a) recording them, or b) looking at porn, or even c) reading your email while it would outwardly appear that you are just staring straight ahead like a normal human.
During Athletic Activities
See above section: "are you alone?" If the answer is yes, then knock yourself out. Let your hands-free screen be your personal trainer. Otherwise, leave them at home, as yoga class could get real creepy real fast:
Sitting on the Toilet
It is fine to wear you face computer in a bathroom stall by yourself and play games in mid-air in front of you like an idiot, or whatever it is the Google Glass will allow you to do from such a position. No one will be bothered by this except, hopefully, you when you reflect on this in a sober moment the next day. You must, however, stow the device before exiting the stall. Don’t be walking by any sinks or urinals wearing that thing.
After Bringing Someone Home for Sex
There may, one day, be a moment in our sad universe when it’s acceptable to invite someone home, put on your face computer, and begin to make sweet, passionate love to them. Perhaps and this is a big if if you have been together a while, share similar kinks, and know that your partner will appreciate this new way of producing homemade POV sex tapes and will think this is hot, this is okay. But seriously. Is anyone, ever, going to look sexy wearing the Google Glass?
In the "Wrong Part" of Town
The bottom line, and this should guide all inquiries about face computers for the foreseeable future, is this: if you wouldn't be walking around holding a smartphone out perpendicular to the ground (you know, like you do when you're taking a picture or shooting video) you shouldn't be wearing a $1,500 computer on your face.
Jay Barmann and e. Chang also contributed to this piece.That guy from that show at that thing. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)