Getting drunk. It's something a lot of people do on a regular basis, and it can make or break a night on the town for better (wooooooo!) or worse (retch). Rubbing shoulders with inebriated amateurs can ruin a night of civilized drinking, and becoming the very drunken idiot you despise is the risk we all run once the alcohol starts flowing. But there are things you can do to get your drink on without killing the party for the rest of us. Below, our tips for drunk and orderly conduct.
Getting drunk.
For many of us, high school and college passed in a blur of gross mixed drinks, bad beer and nights of epic wastedness. Getting plastered was fun, and yes, sometimes it's still fun. But as the years wore on, getting too far gone to comport oneself as a decent human being just didn't seem so fun anymore. So while drinking remains one of our ultimate favorite activities (sorry Mom!), we urge the adults around us to stop one drink short of becoming the out-of-control, abrasive asshole we all remember from college.
At the bar.
Loud, sloppy woo girls and ruddy-faced dudes are a hazard of any night out, especially the weekends (which is why Friday and Saturday are now Netflix nights). But we've all been that swaying, cross-eyed inebriate at one point or other, and even the most abrasive drunks are people too. Resist the urge to be an asshole to these lost, drunken sheep: if you're sober enough to make good decisions, you can lend a helping hand or shepherd him/her back to his/her friends.
Sexy time.
With alcohol comes lowered inhibitions (and lower standards), which means drunk people get into lots of awkward sexual situations (news flash!). While we don't really feel like getting too deep into drunk sex etiquette, we'll just say this: drink water, use condoms, and don't be afraid to fall asleep before anything weird might happen. If you still want to do it in the morning, then go for it!
Driving.
Don't drive drunk! You're smarter than that. Also, you might kill someone. Cabs, Ubers, buses and walking are all tried-and-true alternatives to endangering yourself and others.
Speaking of cabs...
It's 2 a.m. and you're on 11th Street after leaving Butter or DNA Lounge. Cabs are scarce and common sense even scarcer. But just because you're wasted doesn't mean you can upstream someone else's ride, make a crazy scene or start screaming like a banshee for no good reason. Keep calm, carry on, and you'll find your way home eventually. Alternately, if you come to by yourself in the back of a cab, it means your friends sent you home. Do not, under any circumstances, turn the cab around and arrive at the party again. And seriously: don't puke in someone's cab. That's rude.
Vomit.
Alright, so is there any more futile imperative as "do not vomit?" If you're going to puke, you're going to puke. However, even the most inebriated brah may be able to tell the difference between someone's doorstop and a public gutter, a carefully tended flowerpot and a discrete bush or grove of trees. When in doubt or dire straits, aim away from private property and towards easily hosed down spaces. Double and triple this rule when dealing with events where mass public drunkenness is a matter of course. Don't be a statistic.
Urine.
The same rules apply for public urination as with vomit. Alcohol is a diuretic (science talk for "makes you piss like Seabiscuit") and as such, more drunkenness equals more urine. But while the streets run yellow during such celebrations as Bay to Breakers and Halloween, we simply cannot endorse public urination, especially when it comes to other people's stoops and gardens. Try to go before leaving the bar or holding it until you get home. If you must piss in public, try to pour forth with a modicum of respect. If that's event possible.
Note: San Francisco's social scene can be incredibly alcohol-centric. We have opportunities to imbibe every day of the week and all year 'round, and sometimes it can feel like, well, too much. If you feel like you might have a problem with alcohol or other substances, take a break and assess whether you can operate without them or whether you might have a dependency issue. This isn't meant to be a PSA, but neither is it an endorsement of binge drinking.
