Last Thursday, the fledgling UC Berkeley Quidditch League held its first try outs for a new quidditch team at Cal. For those who have either spent the last decade in a vegetative state or as fundamentalist Christians, quidditch is an exciting semi-contact sport wherein two teams of seven players each seek to score points by tossing a ball called a quaffle into any of the opposing team's three goal hoops while at the same time avoiding getting pounded by two other balls called bludgers. A fourth ball, the golden snitch, is sought by one member of each team known as a Seeker. Whoever catches the golden snitch wins the game for their team, along with untold endorsement contracts, trophy wives, etc., etc. By the way, quidditch, made popular in the Harry Potter book series, is best played about 150 feet off the ground while riding around on magic broomsticks.
No doubt due to insurance issues (plus, like, the laws of physics and stuff), the Cal team will be engaging in a variant of quidditch known as "muggle quidditch", played entirely on the ground with non-magical equipment. No fair. Like in any good sport, some player will need to be seriously injured, resulting in an inspiring Lifetime movie-of-the-week dramatization starring someone like Tina Yothers. Ms. Yothers's hideously disfigured former quidditch champion won't be very inspiring if instead of plummeting 150 feet to impending quadriplegia she just manages to snap her neck while running around Memorial Glade like a moron with a broomstick between her legs. Major lost marketing opportunity!