by Daisy Barringer

The San Francisco 49ers won their game against the St. Louis Rams yesterday 28-6 and managed to finish their season at 8-8, their best record since 2002. Whoopee. (Yes, that’s right, I just used a phrase meant to imply disillusionment that most people choose not to use after the age of six. But since Singletary’s excuse as to why the Niners didn’t make it to the playoffs this year is the team’s “immaturity,” I’m going to go ahead and stick with that questionable word choice.) At the beginning of the season, Singletary declared, “I want winners.” Instead, he got “non-losers,” which I guess we’re supposed to believe is something to be happy about. Or at least not sad about. I know. It makes me want to drink, too.

I think it’s fair to assume that anyone reading this did not spend three hours yesterday in front of a television watching a meaningless and OHMYGOD SO BORING football game. I feel I can assume this because most of you seem like smart, motivated people. People who know better than to waste a gorgeous Sunday watching the Niners struggle to end their season at .500. People who would never give up a day of snowboarding in Tahoe in order to suffer through the most lackluster half of football ever played (The 49ers had zero points and 52 total yards in the first half… against the WORST TEAM IN THE NFL). I’m going to assume that if you did choose to watch football, you watched any other game available for viewing because, well, let’s be honest: watching the 49ers play a team who likely want to lose in order to get the first round draft pick is about as exhilarating as waking up on Sunday morning and deciding to hit up your local church service for the free donuts and God-talk.