While we can forgive the French for not enjoying the smooth, sightly sweet-n-salty, nutty, near-perfect taste of peanut butter (beurre de cacahuète translates directly as "testicle butter"), we cannot forgive the media for its continued assault on peanut butter. Take, for example, the bastards at KCBS who report that "the Agriculture Department shipped possibly contaminated peanut butter and other foods to schools in at least three states under a contract with the Georgia company blamed for a nationwide salmonella outbreak." Lies. We won't believe it until we see said peanut butter in a petri dish swarming with salmonella. And five people have allegedly died from peanut butter-related injuries. Another tissue of lies. We won't believe it until we see the peanut buttery corpses on a slab. Also, those jerks at AP are reporting on some sort of peanut and peanut butter recall. (You can pry the Jif from our cold, dead hands.) And just who is behind this smear campaign? The hazelnut-happy folks at Nutella. Or the meat industry saying "See! It's not just us!" Obviously.