FILM: '80s noir flick Body Heat--featuring Kathleen Turner, William Hurt, and a pane of glass standing between the two--screens at the Castro tonight. Rumor is it's "scorching." 7 p.m. // Castro Theatre (Castro & Market) // $6-$9READING: Oooooh, James Frey the LIAR is over at Slim's tonight. (Come on, regardless of the fibs and Oprah-gate, A Million Little Pieces was a fun read. It was. Let's all move on, yes? Yes.) Catch the bear......

READING: You know the people who read aloud at the 16th and Mission BART station? Not the the ones espousing the virtues of baby Jesus, but the poets, loners, and college kids who read their writing out loud? Well, it's the station's fifth anniversary of hosting bon mots, and what with the weather being too darn hot, you all should head over to the 16th & Mission Five-Year Anniversary party. There wil be readings,......

THEATER: Remember how , was the single most boring and excruciating piece of English language literature you were ever forced to read in high school? How it should be banned? Because it's will crush your soul? Well, the Shotgun Players and Banana Bag and Bodice ensemble have finally--finally!--made it interesting. They turned the bloody, dreaded hunk of text into a rock opera: Beowulf: A Thousand Years of Baggage. It features a score by Dave......

DANCE: Stop peeling the yellow wallpaper, angst-ridden youth of suburbia! Tonight's "Swing Goth" will have you feeling better than if you were pumped full of morphine. Each Tuesday at Julie's Supper Club, rock-a-billy and Goth sounds and aesthetics come together in peanut butter-and-chocolate-like harmony. Add to that a little blues, waltzing, and a "healthy portion of dirty dancing," and you have yourself a party that's sure to make you smile. Whether you like it......

READING: Head over to the Castro tonight to catch brilliant humor writer Augusten Burroughs reading from his latest piece of non(?)fiction, A Wolf at the Table. This latest effort is about his daddy. (Most notably, he wrote Running With Scissors and Dry.) Also, we dare you to ask him if he's the gay James Frey. 7:30 p.m. // Book's Inc. (2275 Market) // free MUSIC: All the way from a far off land called......

SOUL: According to the The New York Times' Stephen Holden--or so says SF Weekly--Ashford & Simpson audiences are made up of "singles, doubles, gays, straights, blacks, whites, all mixed together and singing along." Solid. 7 p.m. // The Rrazz Room at Hotel Nikko (222 Mason) // $45-$55 CHORALE: Devoted to performing "established repertoire of all periods and newly commissioned works of promising composers, the International Orange Chorale's concert--titled "Music to Chill By"--features a wide......

COMEDY: Even though she finds redheads atrocious, we still love us some Chelsea Handler. The comedienne, who's hosted several shows on E! and penned numerous books (Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea), performs downtown tonight. Women want to be her, the gays want to want to go "Eeeeee!" over her, straight men want to hump her, dykes want to move in with her -- really, Handler has something for everyone. 9 p.m. //......

FASHION/MUSIC: SF Weekly's Hiya Swanhuyser has word that tonight's fashion extravaganza/concert "The Ant Show’s 4th Annual Boxer Rebellion"--featuring rock beats care of Murder of Lilies, the Catholic Comb, and Ghost to Atom--will be the thing to go to tonight. And we agree. She also reveals what it was like to have to sit next to your SFist Editor for almost five years. (The poor thing!) Anyway, tonight's show also boasts the work of designers......

While we're being asked by security to leave the premises at tonight's SFIFF Golden Gate Awards Party--we hear it's open-bar--check out one of these thrilling events happening tonight. Who knows? Maybe we'll run into you, post-ejection. COMEDY: Chad Leherman (of Last Comic Standing) and Justin Lamb (from SPF7) kick off a weekly night of stand-up chortling over at the historic Purple Onion with Something People Like. Breaking the comedy series' hymen is headliner Kevin......

FIESTA, FOREVER: Cinco de Mayo is a holiday honoring "an initial victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over French forces in the Battle of Puebla," according to Wikipedia. And on that night way back in May 5, 1862, said forces celebrated this win with chips, salsa, frozen margaritas, and body shots. Or so we assume. No one really knows for sure. That said, here are a couple of Latin American-ish......

Photo from Thunderheist CLUB: Those zany and offensive Vice Magazine kids are back in town this evening to pour vodka down your throat, shove blow up your nose, and have you up until all hours. The nerve of them. And we wouldn't miss their party for the world. Tonight at Mezzanine, Vice Live's party has Black Ghost and Thunderheist to get you on the dance floor. Also, luring you in are live DJs, complimentary......

*MUSIC: John Reis (best known as singer and guitarist for Rocket from the Crypt, who goes by such monikers as Speedo, Slasher, and The Swami) has yet another post-punk project to share with you all: the Night Marchers. They perform in Potrero Hill tonight along with the Muslims and Nowheres. 8:30 p.m. // Bottom of the Hill (1233 - 17th Street) // $12-$14 FILM: SF International Film Festival is going on, and SFist cannot......

EXHIBIT OPENING: Fecal Face Dot Gallery opens its doors tonight with Kottie Paloma's work. According to SFBG, the show features "over 250 5-by-7-foot graphite portraits that San Francisco artist Kottie Paloma produced over the last 2 years (each titled A Daily Stranger), the work forms a survey of the strangers in Kottie's life." Perfect for all of you ADHD diagnosed folk out there. Runs through May 7, (Wed., 3-8 p.m. and Sun., noon-6 p.m.)......

CLUB/MAGAZINE LAUNCH: DJ Vin Sol and LL Cool DJ man the decks at tonight's launch of Just One Entertainment's website, the Versus Net SF blog, and Versus Magazine SF online. We didn't receive any info as the the URLs for the aforementioned online sites--we assume you'll have to wait until it goes live, or something--but failing that, tonight's party is the perfect excuse to grab some vodka on the cheap; meet some of your......

Photo: Elbo Room *MUSIC: Head over to Valencia Street to hear some rockabilly beats. Perfecting the tricky fusion of Goth, surf, and garage rock sounds, Arizona's the Mission Creeps headline tonight in the Mission. Lil Esther & Her Tinstars, dropping in from all the way over in Amsterdam, and Al Foul open this night of luscious rock. 9 p.m. // Elbo Room (647 Valencia) // $6 LECTURE: Check out Abe Foxman, director of the......

Photo credit by Wathana Lim for LAist/Flickr MUSIC: Adorning Bottom of the Hill with their much-loved pop "music with no pretense," we have the Magic Bullets. Both Spin and 7x7 both lavished praised on this San Francisco-based band. But don't let that stop you from heading over to Potrero tonight; they're actually a phenomenal band. Le Loup and the Ruby Suns open. 10 p.m. // Bottom of the Hill (1233 - 17th Street) //......

*DINNER/DRAG: Over at supperclub, they having a festive party. "Supper Vision," a pajama party where, according to SF Weekly, is a place where you will find a "Burning Man theme camp, queer art collective, and sexually liberated body pile Comfort & Joy, where local drag shaker BeBe Sweetbriar welcomes guests to the innovative experience of fine dining on dramatically oversized beds."...

*FILM: Tonight at the Castro it's "Dueling Divas" night. (Men, always pitting women against each other!) Alleged child abuser and MGM drunk, Joan Crawford, goes up against Susan Hayward with a double feature of Harriet Craig (1950)--the tale of a "manipulative housewife whose obsession for cleanliness and need for absolute control of those around her ultimately leads to her own demise"--and Back Street (1961)--a tear jerker with Hayward playing the other woman." Neither film......

Photo of today's St. Stupid's Day Parade SFist reader jnice CLUB: Celebrate (the annoying) April Fool's Day with the 6th Annual After Saint Stupid’s Day Parade Party. All of the sheer zaniness takes place this evening, fresh, more or less, after today's Saint Stupid’s Day Parade. Los Banos will perform their noted "wacky, mariachi inspired, clown entrenched, lyrical interpretations." Also, Fluff Grrl breaks out their patented brand of "post-punk, pre-apocalyptic, art-fag rock." Food, booze,......

*MUSIC: If Bay Guardian calendar/music editors felt it necessary to put an asterisk by the following musical outfits in their music guide, then so do we. That, and we like their sound. All the way from Tehran, Iran, comes 127, throwing down rock-infused jazz gems in the Mission. Griddle and the Lovers open. 9 p.m. // Elbo Room (647 Valencia) // $7 FILM: Need your daily Tibet fix? Of course you do, so check......

*CLUB: Proving that crystal meth has yet to ravage the entire gay population of San Francisco, "Planet Big" shows that the queer heavy-set sect is alive and kicking in the Bay Area. DJs Amadeus and Chub Jim spin for the chubs (and their admirers) until the wee hours of the morning. ...

ROCK MUSIC: Kinks tunes take over SOMA's Eagle Tavern by way of all-female cover band, the Minks. The B Cups, The Yes-Go's, and Facts on File also perform tonight at this gritty bar's weekly rock concert series, Thursday Night Live. 9 p.m. // Eagle Tavern (398 - 12th Street) // $6 DJ MUSIC: Baile, dancehall, tech-funk, and hip-house DJ genius, Diplo, opens up for electro Parisian pair, Justice at this arena-club party in the......

MUSIC: Oy! A Jewish Music Festival? In a goyim neighborhood? Yes! Hayes Valley hosts part of the "23rd Annual Jewish Music Festival," featuring New York City's Golem ("This is not your father's Klezmer band ... unless your father was Sid Vicious," cheers Jewish Week!) and Lord Loves a Working Man ("These men pour their hearts out in songs that make audience members alternately work up a sweat and hold each other very, very close," well-crafts SF Weekly!) Will there be Fanny Brice covers? Find out tonight at the Rickshaw Stop....

Photo credit: Sadisco*/Flickr *MUSIC: Alter Der Ruine, W.A.S.T.E., Syndika:Zero, DJ Intoner, Unit 77, Holy Filament, and Mr. Smith bring on the industrial-electro thrashing over in SOMA tonight. Alter Der Ruine, though, is the big draw for the night. What do they sound like? Well, they're all a wee bit noisy. And seem rather angry. But John Graham over at SF Weekly explains it better. 9 p.m. // DNA Lounge (375 - 11th Street) //......

*MUSIC: At Yoshi's East Bay, there's a star studded benefit for Christopher Rodriguez. The 8 p.m. shows features such jazz notables as Roger Glenn, John Santos, Narada Michael Walden, Kai Eckhardt, Zoe Ellis, Keith Terry, Tina Glenn, Rafael Manriquez, Matt Herskowitz, Alvenson, the Baguette Quartette, the Oakland Jazz Choir, the Fluteville Flute Choir, Carol Alban, Nancy Tyler, and members of the Bay Area Chamber Symphony. The 10 p.m. shows has George Brooks, Kai Eckhardt,......

*CLUB: This hidden gem of a nightclub is hosting some major funk sounds tonight with its aptly titled party, "Funkonnection." Tonight's double bill features Ninja Tune and UK legend Mr. Scruff. Dutch nu-funk masters Kraak & Smaak, and locals superstars Vinnie Esparza (who we can't recommend enough), Motion Potion, and Malarkey also man the decks tonight. A perfect way to preface the Easter Weekend. 10 p.m. // Mighty (119 Utah) // $18-$21 FILM: Perfect......

*FILM: Mothra is playing tonight at the Clay! This 1961 Japanese cult sci-fi classic has a giant moth acting like a big meanie. According to Wikipedia, the B-move is about "[a]n expedition to an irradiated island brings civilization in contact with a primitive native culture. When one sensationalist entrepreneur tries to exploit the islanders, their ancient deity arises in retaliation." And that deity? Is Mothra. 7:30 p.m. // Clay Theater (2261 Fillmore) // $9.50......

FILM: Always one to bravely peer into the curious world of the straight male teen, Gus Van Sant's latest film, Paranoid Park, tells the exhilarating tale of skateboarders, specifically a teen skater, played by Gabe Nevins, who might be involved in the death of a security guard. 7:30 p.m., 9:45 p.m. // Bridge Theater (3010 Geary Blvd) // $9.50 MUSIC: Western Pennsylvania outfit Black Moth Super Rainbow headlines a night of neo-heavy metal tunes.......

* MUSIC: Dig the tunes of Zoyres Eastern European Wild Ferment--jazz soudns that mash up folk, free improvisation, noise, drum 'n' bass, and rock--while dining on the vile tangy taste of sauerkraut! Tonight's "Fermented Music & Fermented Sauerkraut" concert will also feature Seth Augustus pumping out "surreal tales accompanied by his mutated Delta blues guitar." 8 p.m. // Climate Theatre (285 - 9th Street) // $10-$15 FILM: For those of you too shockingly brilliant......

COMEDY: Cruel and unusual sketch comedy troupe Funny But Mean is having a benefit show tonight at the Marine’s Memorial Theatre. All proceeds will go directly to build a well in a community (i.e. somewhere in Africa) in desperate need for fresh water. Seriously. 8 p.m. // Marine’s Memorial Theatre (450 Post) // $15 IRISH MUSIC: Traditional Irish Culann's Hounds abound to Great American Music Hall tonight. Eoin Harrington and Meisce perform as well......