In the realm of mundane news that may actually affect you, Governor Jerry Brown signed SB 39 in to law yesterday, banning the production and sale of beer infused with caffeine in this great state of California. The ban goes in to effect starting January 1st, 2012 and follows City Attorney Dennis Herrera's ongoing war on sugary caffeinated booze.

Like Herrera, the bill's author State Senator Alex Padilla doesn't like the walking-dead effect the beverages have on the drinking populace. He (again) compared the potency to be about the same as drinking five beers and a cup of coffee. With that in mind, those desperate for a readily available source of syrupy, caffeine-packed booze could always order a Whynatte - which involves a shot of Jagermeister and a latte. Sadly, the most offensive part of that drink is the Jager.

PREVIOUSLY: Dennis Herrera Seeks to Ban Kiddie Drink 'Blast by Colt 45'
[LATimes]

City Attorney Dennis Herrera, along with 13 other state attorneys generals, helped rid store shelves of MillerCoors' "Sparks", an energy drink containing caffeine, taurine, ginseng, and guarana. Oh, and some alcohol too. And today, MillerCoors will no longer make caffeinated "Sparks," "Sparks Plus," "Sparks Light," or any other alcoholic energy drinks ever again.

Invented in San Francisco by local beverage marketing company McKenzie River Corporation, the tacky beverage, it seems, is marketed to the underage set. (Sparks shamelessly uses images of batteries, rocket ships, and powered snowboards in their ads.) What's more, the high-love combo reduced the drinker's sense of intoxication, making you feel less drunk than you actually are. Which is bad.

According to a statement Herrera released today, the "combustible mix" is hurting the children, who are our future.

A recently published study found that college students who mix alcohol and energy drinks were more likely to be hurt, sexually assaulted or drive drunk than those who only drank alcohol. In addition, college students who reported drinking alcohol mixed with energy drinks engage in increased heavy episodic drinking and have twice as many episodes of weekly drunkenness.

MillerCoors will also have to fork over $550,000, which will be divided among the thirteen states and
San Francisco. The agreement will also force MillerCoors to do the following: "Stop manufacturing and marketing all caffeinated alcoholic beverages, including "Sparks" as currently formulated; reformulate its alcoholic energy drinks so that they do not contain caffeine or other stimulants such as guarana; stop using images in its marketing that imply energy or power, like the battery-themed +/- symbols on its can; stop particular marketing themes that appeal to underage youth, eliminating advertisements that feature a bright orange-stained tongue and not renewing its contract with William Ocean; and immediately discontinue the Sparks Web site."

Looks like it's back to Vodka Red Bulls, folks. Alas.

Image: ncsparkitect

SFist would like to give an official SFist Mazel Tov to Alameda's own Craig "Hot Lixx Hulahan" Billmeier who became the Fourth ever US Air Guitar National Champion. Having seen Hot Lixx in action, we can only say well done, sir, well done. Hot Lixx swept to victory with, well, we'll let the press release describe it:

"In the first "open" round, Hot Lixx began seated, playing Carlos Montoya while wearing an enormous sombrero. But soon his music turned into Metallica and he rose, wowing the crowd with technical accuracy and undeniable airness. In the final, compulsory round, Hot Lixx stunned the crowd by jumping off the stage, sprinting up to the judges in the balcony, sitting on the edge of the railing, leaning precariously over the screaming fans on the main floor, and looking death right in the eye...all the while playing Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' with impeccable grace and daring the judges to give him less than a perfect score."

Awesome.

In winning, Hot Lixx defeated returning champion Andrew "William Ocean" Litz who rocked the crowd by featuring "his signature airborne flip, in which he lands on an empty can of 16oz. Sparks Malt Liquor, crushing it with his posterior, and then rising up with the crushed can triumphantly snuggled into his back pocket..."

Hot Lixx now goes onto Finland to compete in the World Air Guitar Championships where he will not only represent the Bay Area, but the entire country too.

Rock on, dude, rock on.

Last night's Police Commission meeting [RealPlayer] started off with rollicking public comment from officers and the public. Officers were particularly upset over the termination of officer Anthony Nelson. Nelson was terminated after breaking the arm of an anti-war protestor and then filing a report with erroneous information about the circumstances. One of the two commissioners who voted against his termination was Peter Keane, who is also the dean of the law school at Golden Gate University (hence his nickname, "The Professor").

But near the end of the meeting, Keane's stormy tenure on the commission came to an end. "Because of the needs of other competing aspects on my time, I'm submitting my resignation from this commission with deep regret tonight." He thanked the commission, chief Heather Fong and her command staff, and the officers of the SFPD. After thanking Keane for his service on the commission, Joe Veronese quipped "I know the POA is going to miss you," referring to the Police Officers Association which has tangled with Keane in the past.

According to H. Brown, this news came as a complete surprise to Matt Gonzalez, who as Board President originally appointed Keane to the post 18 months ago. Also surprised was Aaron Peskin, who as the chair of the Rules Committee, will join Ross Mirkarimi and Michela Alioto-Pier in recommending a replacement, who will then be voted on by the full Board of Supervisors. Chris Daly has lobbied in the past for teacher and activist Kim-Shree Maufas to be appointed. Maufas has been a vocal activist for police reform since the raid on Thurgood Marshall High School by the SFPD in October of 2002.

We spoke to Gary Delagnes, President of the POA, who hopes "the board puts someone in there that we can work with." While he admitted that his professional relationship with Keane has been contentious, he still hoped that everything was okay with his family and wished them well. He didn't want to speculate as to other motives for Keane's resignation, he pointed out that Commission President Louise Renne stepped in to push for Nelson's termination, which surpassed any of Keane's proposed punishments. Renne was not present at the meeting when Keane resigned.

Update: Chris Daly just called us back to let us know that Heather Fong has also resigned, citing health reasons. He suggested that a hispanic commissioner would address concerns raised after Theresa Sparks appointment, and reitirated his support for Kim-Shree Maufas appointment. Boris Delepine, an aide to Ross Mirkarimi, let us know that you can download an application for consideration by the Rules Committee online [PDF].

Update: Our sources are only as good as our sources' sources. Jamie forwards a note from Alex Clemens at the Usual Suspects says the chief here to stay:

A highly placed source from the Mayor's Office reports that the Sfist report on Chief Heather Fong's departure is incorrect, and that the Chief is not resigning.

Homosexual Pride Mass in Berkeley! Father Richard Sparks gave communion to gays and members of other faiths; "completely unjustified," and "heresy," says the article. SFist's expert in such matters informs us that Father Sparks did, in fact, violate Canon 844 § 1, and that casual participation in a sacred rite can offend (sorta like the influx of suburbanites to Pride in the Castro). On the other hand, there are many of the opinion that bringing Christ to as many people as possible is not necessarily a bad thing; but "Faith" doesn't address that side of the issue -- hey, we thought conservatives were all about "teach the controversy!"

Other stuff: we'll be voting soon on Proposition 73, which would mandate that abortionists notify minors' parents before aborting their potential grandchildren. (Its slogan: "Protect our daughters!") We suspect that if a young lady is in such trouble, the optimum time for her guardians to become involved has perhaps passed. Also: more ads for Courage, an ex-gayifying group with local members, which would be funny if it weren't so sickening and dangerous. Ah, another great read this month! Keep up the good work, "newspaper," and until next time, have faith and be a good lay.