From Beijing's picturesque Tianamen Gate, former Mayor Gavin Newsom unenthusiastically tweets to his followers back home in California: "the perfunctory tourist photo in Beijing..."

the perfunctory tourist photo in Beijing... lockerz.com/s/193677407

— Gavin Newsom (@GavinNewsom) March 18, 2012

Thanks for the update, Gavin!

With the 15-hour time difference between Beijing and our fair Bay Area, there will be occasions on which today's Hot Bay Area Olympian has already competed by the time you read this. But the contest has not yet been broadcast, and this is some action that is rather likely to be televised. It's that unapologetically soft-porn invention called Beach Volleyball... known for it's skimpy outfits and provocatively-placed hand signals. And it's such the rage that even our numskull President GWB is getting in on the action!

Orinda native Nicole Branagh and her partner Elaine Youngs will do/already did battle with the formidable German tandem of Okka Rau and Stephanie Pohl. That's right, we called her teammate "her partner." And when you replace your partner with a new partner in Beach Volleyball, it's called "breaking up." Is it an accident that the language of this unusually-titillating sport is also the terminology used in romantic relationships? Marketing, baby.

Image: United States' Nicole Branagh reacts during her beach volleyball match against the Netherlands at the Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Ground at the Beijing 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Saturday, Aug. 9, 2008. (AP Photo/Natacha Pisarenko)

She went to Cal-Berkeley, she holds eight world records, and she is notorious as one of the most babealiciousest swimmers alive. Concord native Natalie Coughlin has a ridiculous-busy schedule of swim competition in this year's Olympics, but her big race today is the Womens 100-meter... backstroke. She holds the current world record, and she'll be putting it on the line in a pool full of fit, gorgeous ladies. Here's hoping Natalie will backstroke the daylights out of the competition!

In our continuing Beijing Olympic-boycotting coverage, Dave Eggers--the scribe ever well-educated San Franciscan loves to hate (because he's successful at what he does)--wrote a piece in this Sunday's about the Olympic Torch's run in San Francisco. He claims that the protests that will occur during the run will be a strong statement, especially since it's the torch's only run in Northern America and its an election year. China’s "complicity in the genocide in Darfur" and the Sudan are the focus of his article. Let's dive in, shall we?

My friend Valentino Achak Deng, a refugee from Sudan, just got back from southern Sudan last week where he was beginning construction on an educational complex in his hometown. He reports that along the southern border, there have been weekly clashes between the Sudanese Army and the Sudan People’s Liberation Army, a rebel group that fought a long and protracted war with the government in the 1980s and ’90s.

Hundreds have been killed, and a good portion of the residents of the south fear there will again be war. If this happens, it could make the conflict in Darfur look like a skirmish.

A small protest was held at City Hall yesterday by 400-plus pissed off Tibetan immigrants, honoring the 49th anniversary of Tibet's uprising against China, but also San Francisco's hosting of the Olympic torch. Just a preface of what will happen in the city next month, San Francisco will be the focus of a major protest since it's the only US city hosting the Olympic torch relay in the 2008 Beijing games.

According to CBS 5, the decent-sized group held banners on the steps of City Hall reading "Olympics in China, Torture in Tibet," and "Truth is our only weapon." Over at sftorch2008.org, it notes that a larger rally will be planned for April 9 when the torch finally makes its way here.

The Chinese government is running the Olympic torch around the world, hoping to win the approval of the global public and cover up its brutal occupation of Tibet and abysmal human rights record. When the torch relay reaches San Francisco on April 9th, China will be in the global spotlight like never before. We have an unprecedented opportunity to shine this spotlight on Tibet.

China's occupation of Tibet is a hearted issue -- even though China has maintained that it has "ruled Tibet for centuries" -- especially here in the Bay Area and on you more liberal college campuses. Next month's protest during the torch's arrival is expected to draw thousands.

You have, well, two entire days to fill out and return your application to become a torchbearer for the San Francisco leg of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Torch Relay. The San Francisco relay -- which is entitled, dear Christ, "A Sustainable Journey" -- is the only North American stop on the Olympic Torch Relay, which will make the sporty flame's U.S. visit that more special to us in the Bay Area. Or not.

In addition to being physically able to complete the task of carrying the Olympic Flame from point A to point B, being present on April 8 (the day it comes to town), at least 14-years-old, and a legal resident of either Canada, Mexico, or the U.S., you also will need write a sparkling essay answering the following questions:

- What sustains you on your personal journey for excellence?
- How is your personal journey making your community, your country, and the world more sustainable?
- What are you doing to contribute to San Francisco’s sustainable journey?
- Why should you be considered to carry the Olympic Torch in San Francisco?

We will not be carrying the torch.

But any ideas as to who should be deemed worthy enough to hold the hotrod? (Aside from Frank Chu, that is. We know. He's a given.)

Image of Hong Kong Secretary for Home Affairs Tsang Tak-shing and President of the Sports Federation and Olympic Committee of Hong Kong Timothy Fok Tsun-ting: Xinhua Photo

-- Oh dead God: "Hearts in San Francisco" returns. Sweet cuddly baby Jesus, help us all. [Curbed SF]

-- Prop A passed. And? [BeyondChron]

-- Siamese Conjoined twins separated. Pft. Please. Wake us up when they sprout eight limbs. [Chron]

-- More Dan Noyes! [The Snitch]

-- BRT and subways in Beijing, China. (Have you ever seen a cleaner subway in your entire life? Sob.) [N-Judah Chronicles]

-- Crab season hurt? Boo! Tourist season maimed? Meh. [SF Examiner]

--Day four of the Hans Reiser Trial. [Local News Blog]

-- The jarring, devastating, Lohanesque Midgen-behind-the-wheel 911 tapes will shock you. Only not so much. [Chron]

-- Randy Shaw has it that the glowing, science fiction-y Transbay Terminal choices aren't nominees at all, but simply glowing, science fiction-y lies. A tissues of lies. [Beyond Chron]

-- Media-hungry Daly decides not to run. For now, anyway. [SFBG, Chris Daly]

-- Truck kills cyclist in Oakland. [Indy Bay]

-- Motorcycle race turns deadly. No kidding. [Chron]

-- Newsom to endorse Clinton. [San Jose Merc, ABC 7]

-- Contra Costa teens to be tried as adults. [Chron]

-- Tibetans and the '08 Beijing Olympics. [The Snitch]

Drop by Books Inc in the Castro for a reading with local author Dr. William Lipsky from his book, Gay and Lesbian San Francisco. 7:30pm, 2275 Market St.

Planning a vacation to China? Get tips from Lonely Planet author Carolyn Heller, who's just returned from a two-month trip to Beijing and the surrounding areas. 6:30pm, at the main branch of the San Francisco Public Library.100 Larkin St., SF.

Lady Sovereign vs Jelly Donut, the rematch! The pint-sized British emcee makes another Bay Area appearance at SoMa's supperclub. Maybe this time she'll actually battle Bay Area freestyler Jelly Donut..only one way to find out. 657 Harrison, SF.

Comedy Speakeasy at Annie's Social Club! Happy hour kicks off 4pm and the comedy showcase starts at 6pm. Free admission, 917 Folsom, SF.

Photo from SF360 Film+Club.

But a computer-animated backdrop showing a angel flying down to Earth to rescue a dancer portraying a Falun Gong meditator being beaten senseless by Communist goons, together with a song proclaiming, "The Falun Gong is good!"?

OK, we admit it: that, we've never seen before.

After the jump: how the NTDTV Chinese New Year Spectacular has nothing to do with/all to do with the Falun Gong, the ubiquity of sequins throughout 5000 years of Chinese cultural history, plus -- pictures galore!

[If you want to read more about this, check out M.C- and SFMike's director's cut versions of this post on their respective home blogs! Their version has many more pictures and an expanded version of this text (which we couldn't fit in here), along with some commentary tracks. Thanks for covering it for SFist, guys!]

We know you're probably just dying to know what's been happening on all those fascinating news items we've been telling you about. Well, fret no more! Your prayers have been answered!

Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval argued on behalf of himself yesterday that he shouldn't have to pay Don Fisher's political committee any more money. The judge seemed sympathetic to District 11's finest, calling Fisher's request "odd."

Man, the New York Liquor Store in Oakland's having a bad week. Not only does it get targeted for vandalism by Your Black Muslim bakery, then set on fire, and then its owner gets kidnapped and left in a car truck, but now folks in the neighborhood are looting the charred, broken remains of the store.

After agreeing to host a ping-pong tournament with Shanghai, Gavin Newsom travels to Beijing and checks out the Great Wall. Also -- dude, check him out playing basketball at Yao Ming's elementary school. What are those ? And Gavin, have you gotten us a panda yet?

And Tookie Williams's request for a stay on his execution order was denied. Only Arnold Schwarzenegger can save him now.