Half a Million Bucks Will Get You

This.

Yes, you can live in lovely Bernal Heights, in 2 bed one bath splendor for the bargain basement price of $499,000. Granted, you'll be living in a scary murder house (It's like "Saw"! But smaller!), but, damnit, you'll own a house in San Francisco. Living the dream!

"This is a fixer not for the faint of heart. Needs extensive renovation with plenty of deferred maintenance. This is a tremendous opportunity for handy person or the savvy developer."

Well, this reminds us of something. Oh, yeah. Folks, we know that the hunger to own SF property is all consuming, but, be smart and take a lesson from the Lam/Zhou situation: if you must buy a "Contractor's special," then work with a freakin' contractor, not with a tire jack.