Picture this story with the Drudge Report flashing lights, but we have an exclusive, late-breaking and developing story from The Weekly World News: ALIENS ARE COMING TO SAN FRANCISCO! We repeat, ALIENS ARE COMING TO SAN FRANCISCO. According to the story (which is so hot that it's not linked to, and the fact that the Weekly World News doesn't put their stories online is criminal), the aliens in question are from Mercury and are said to be "short" and "red-skinned." Last week, the state legislature and the Governor voted to give a square mile in between China Town and Nob Hill (there goes the strip clubs) to the aliens from Mercury, or as there known Mercurians. With the land given to them, the Mercurians will build housing for themselves "made of solidified liquid mercury and powered by solar panels" something that will make the Mayor happy because it's in keeping with his big Green Initiative. ...

...because SFist Rita can't! OK, last week's winner was the Guardian. It's their 39th anniversary, and we're talking about housing in the city. Cover story: characterless and expensive condos on the East side. The Warfield sues the Weekly, claiming, among other things, that a Bill Graham staffer threateded to "f**k up" the Warfield. (SFist f**ks stuff up all the time, where's our cool lawsuit?). Oakdale projects are unbelievably squalid. Third Street light rail will......

Before we get into it -- ding ding ding! Envision a scantily-clad lady with a placard reading Round Three! Alt-weekly fight! If this were a schoolyard, we'd all be surrounding the SFBG and the Weekly in a circle. The Weekly lunges! And the SFBG throws a punch back! Oooooh! (Online only -- and geez Louise, the Weekly's essay is loooooong. We got a cramp in our mouse finger scrolling down.) Okay, onto the actual weeklies. Last week's winner (who's featuring last week's cover on its website), the Guardian. Dude, we are so not prepared for a Katrina-type disaster. Cover article: nuclear power is bad. Hats! If the restaurant Maverick were in your neighborhood, you'd be a lucky person. People complain about their, um, endowments. And oh yeah, we threw out some shiny insert about food. The Weekly: Matt Smith in rare form, on various humiliations visited on the white race by SF last week. The Chron's Burning Man coverage is only the beginning of the Smith attack! The Infiltrator tries to get his cat cloned. Tommy Craggs on the new A's stadium (lots of diagrams). Meredith Brody's father reminisces about his dinner with Kinsey (no number on the scale revealed.) OK Then on anti FEMA music. Canada, the new Montreal! And the Bouncer goes to the Lone Palm. After the jump: The East Bay Express, the Metro, and the pick of the week....

Last week's winner, the Guardian: Cover articles: SF school superintendant Arlene Ackerman haaaaaaates the Guardian. Okay, we've now read too much about the school board, we had a nightmare about her and members of the Green Party chasing us around and around in a circle last night. Bill Graham Presents is working exclusively with the Weekly, grr! Hey, we actually went to one of the events listed in "The Mix," that little box of things that the cooler-than-you-are SFBGers went to last week. We're sure this is completely mortifying to the cooler-than-you-are SFBGers to hear, like when the cool kids would go to the Esprit store in high school, only to find that group of math club nerdgirls already there. Tura Satana nee Yamaguchi! Miranda July! And Norwegian Annie, loved by Pitchfork! Next up, the EBX: The EBX brags up all the awards it won. The SF Hooters is now boycotting the SF Weekly because the EBX ran a I Like Eating cartoon making fun of their bad food! (The Weekly and the EBX are both owned by New Times Media.) More horse coverage. Cover article: everyone gets along in Newark, CA. The Hootersly-banned I Like Eating dines at the 7-11. Miranda July! But no Annie. And Savage Love: eeps, more tips on rectal tampons! After the jump, the triumphant return of the Metro and the Weekly....

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express. East Side Story gets a hug from guru Amma (picture to your right). We can't wait for Jerry Brown's wedding (.pdf, but funny) this Sunday!!! Cover story: the new immigration laws oppress. And Martha Wainwright seems like a nice girl. The Apologist on the Niners tape! Boo yeah! ("What was the most appalling scene? b) The scene with linebacker Julian Peterson posing as a homeless person, with a sign that says, 'Will tackle for food or money.' Last year he didn't tackle for s***." Ha!) Cover article: Mixed-martial arts (also known colloquially as "Ultimate") Fighting (SFist Eve'll love it!). OK Then goes to see the Wallflowers just for his younger sister (awww, sweet!). And Savage Love: men using tampons. The Guardian and the pick of the week, expand-o-tron'ed below....

Last week's winner, the cybersquatting Metro! The only thing that looks more obscene than the term "Sfist" is "Sjist" -- we'll leave it at that. Meet the San Jose State contemporary classical music faculty. San Jose City Tow. Cover: The Metro continues to celebrate its 20th anniversary all year! A collection of essays about San Jose and the Valley throughout the years. A variety of arts events around SJSU. And the Straight Dope: does alcohol affect your period? (maybe). Next up: The SF Weekly! A dizzying array of political gossip from Matt Smith (Fifi Ma, SEIU, and Clint Reilly). Infiltrator protests for animals. (We totally saw that "Korea: Stop Killing Man's Best Friend" protestor the other week! Maybe the guy with her was Harmon!). Asian gang gets barber licenses. A play called "I'd Kill For a Parking Space" (heads up, Standing Room!). The Weekly's at the SFIFF, just like us. Cover article: New Order. And Savage Love: tips for 16 year old straight girls. The East Bay Express, the Guardian, and the pick of the week, after the jump. ...

The Weekly of the Week winner for two weeks in a row, the SF Weekly! (Okay, that sentence had too many occurrences of the word "week" in it, and we apologize for that.) Matt Smith reveals that Jake McGoldrick and Chris Daly engaged in some sizzling-hott male-male hugging action and made up over that whole tsunami fight thing. Awww. (Also, complicated workings about the Mission Housing Development -- we have absolutely no idea what he's talking about but it sounds serious!) ... and hey! Matt stole our "Daly Show" title for his article!! Cover article: Harmon Leon infiltrates with white supremacists. We sincerely hope they're paying Harmon lots of money to do this column because well, not only would it not be fun to have to listen to that kind of talk, Harmon also had to hang out with the white supremacists at Applebee's. (On the bright side, we do love those Applebee's chicken fingers.) We're now too freaked out to enjoy the rest of this issue -- even Nate's excellent Noise Pop 2005 otherwise excellent board game. And Savage Love: what to do about barebackers? The San Jose Metro. Activists monitoring police brutality in San Jose (it sure does seem like a lot of people get shot by the cops down there). Cover article: an online anti-porn group. Friend of SFist and Bitch Magazine editor Andi Zeisler is interviewed! The San Jose Cinequest Film Festival. Sausage (at a deli, you sickos) in Santa Clara. And a poetry slam in San Jose. The East Bay Express's part 2 on earthquakes (BART will liquefy!), the Guardian on Noise Pop, and our gold-plated Weekly of the Week award, after the jump....

...to avoid the State of the Union address! The The Weekly. Editor John Mecklin says maybe the reason why the Guardian sued their parent corporation is because Brugmann makes bad business decisions (long litany of bad business decisions is then detailed). Gawkeresque levels of media-on-media violence! Cover article: Nate Cavalieri on Shawn Richard, a man who integrates gang members back into everyday society. SF Indiefest this week! Music reviewer misses Luna like a BFF. And Savage Love: sexual fantasies, not having sex with someone when you don't actually like them, and whether or not to have sex with someone asleep. The Guardian. Political pages: Nader needs cash, local news media sucks. Getting better deals on cable. The guy on the cover of the Guardian two weeks ago got his job back. Food: kohlrabi! Cover article: Neck Face (plus a Neck Face interview)! Sundance blew. SF Indiefest this week! Go to the Can't Stop Won't Stop release party next Tuesday! And Ashlee Simpson's awesome (writer claims that she sings at about same level as Conor Oberst). ...

and wish you a happy ChrisMaHanuKwanziKah! As last week's winner, the East Bay Express goes up first. A lot of letters criticizing a number of factual errors in Cecil Brown's piece about African-American graduate students at Cal. (i.e., Brown said there were only eight African-American grad students at Cal; there are actually 316. How do you miss 308 people?) Sigh. In happier news, Bottom Feeder proposes to his girlfriend! We hope she says yes. A......

roundup of the Bay Area weeklies...

The Weekly went entirely veggie. We think that shooting capitalist pig-dogs is probably better for civilization than not shooting animals, but whatever floats your boat. Meredith Brody opts for the temple of EssEff veggie gourmets, Greens, while Bonnie Wach visits the now review-saturated Urban Forage (SFist was there months ago). Jonathan Kauffman braves the East Bay stroller scene at Pizza Antica in Lafayette in order to stalk the elusive Brussels sprout salad of Gordon Drysdale.......

...and it's the special silver linings edition! We're mixing up the format a little and starting off with the East Bay Express. Why not? Bottom Feeder reports on a fight in a Contra Costa condo complex where one person tore out someone else's topiary duck. So Method and Red. Gay couples aren't sorry they demanded equal rights. Cover article: Julia Butterfly Hill (the chick who lived in a tree for two years) started her own......

roundup of the Bay Area weeklies...

roundup of the free weeklies...

summary of the Bay Area weeklies...

To paraphrase and bastardize Six degrees of Separation, San Francisco is like 18th century Florence, with brilliance on every corner. Here, EssEffist humbly attempts to give you a shapshot of that brilliance, as seen through the pages of this week's local food media....

roundup of the local weeklies....

Herb Caen, SFist's idol and mentor, called us (in a play on President Taft's quote) "The City that Knows Chow." And how. In San Francisco most of the food press arrives on SFist's doorstep on Wednesday. The Chron, The Weekly, The Bay Guardian - first, second and third helpings of food in print. Why do we obsess? I'm not sure. But the eats around here are the best....