Men's Health has a breakdown of the top 100 "smuttiest" (i.e., porn-happy) cities in the United States. Orlando, Florida comes in a No. 1. However, San Francisco ranks a distant 23rd and Oakland 79th when it comes to porn. The criteria went something like this: compiling the number of DVDs purchased, rented, or streamed (AdultDVDEmpire.com); adult entertainment stores per city (StorErotica.net); rate of porn searches (Google Insights); and the percentage of Cinemax-subscribing households (SimplyMap). You will have to take the results with a massive salt lick, though. (What self-respecting gay uses AdultDVDEmpire.com or Cinemax for ejaculatory assistance?) The top 100 is as follows:

1. Orlando, FL
2. Las Vegas, NV
3. Wilmington, DE
4. Raleigh, NC
5. Charlotte, NC
6. Minneapolis, MN
7. Atlanta, GA
8. Tampa, FL
9. Anchorage, AK
10. Austin, TX
11. Boise, ID
12. Miami, FL
13. Houston, TX
14. Columbia, SC
15. Dallas, TX
16. Portland, OR
17. San Diego, CA
18. Cleveland, OH
19. Sacramento, CA
20. Baltimore, MD
21. Providence, RI
22. Durham, NC
23. San Francisco, CA
24. Wichita, KS
25. Columbus, OH
26. Plano, TX
27. Manchester, NH
28. Jersey City, NJ
29. St. Paul, MN
30. Madison, WI
31. Cheyenne, WY
32. Denver, CO
33. Chicago, IL
34. Philadelphia, PA
35. Rochester, NY
36. Tucson, AZ
37. Reno, NV
38. Riverside, CA
39. Bakersfield, CA
40. New Orleans, LA
41. Omaha, NE
42. Seattle, WA
43. Milwaukee, WI
44. Greensboro, NC
45. Fort Worth, TX
46. Oklahoma City, OK
47. Pittsburgh, PA
48. Colorado Springs, CO
49. Nashville, TN
50. Phoenix, AZ
51. Honolulu, HI
52. Jacksonville, FL
53. Anaheim, CA
54. Tulsa, OK
55. Aurora, CO
56. Lexington, KY
57. Bridgeport, CT
58. Buffalo, NY
59. Portland, ME
60. St. Petersburg, FL
61. San Jose, CA
62. Billings, MT
63. Virginia Beach, VA
64. Albuquerque, NM
65. St. Louis, MO
66. Kansas City, MO
67. Fresno, CA
68. Sioux Falls, SD
69. Los Angeles, CA
70. Louisville, KY
71. Salt Lake City, UT
72. Stockton, CA
73. San Antonio, TX
74. Little Rock, AR
75. Memphis, TN
76. New York, NY
77. Corpus Christi, TX
78. Indianapolis, IN
79. Oakland, CA
80. Washington, DC
81. Cincinnati, OH
82. Birmingham, AL
83. Boston, MA
84. Burlington, VT
85. Des Moines, IA
86. Detroit, MI
87. Fort Wayne, IN
88. Chesapeake, VA
89. Newark, NJ
90. El Paso, TX
91. Norfolk, VA
92. Fargo, ND
93. Lincoln, NE
94. Toledo, OH
95. Laredo, TX
96. Lubbock, TX
97. Charleston, WV
98. Winston-Salem, NC
99. Baton Rouge, LA
100. Jackson, MS

[via Men's Health]

Because Valentine's Day is about necking, red roses, and Whitman's Samplers -- and not about making that special someone your creampie cutie for the night, you perverts -- the San Francisco Zoo's annual adult-only "Zoo Sex Tour" has changed its name to “Woo at the Zoo.” Why? No idea. But the zoo tells us:

Contrary to common belief, the animals will not “mate on cue” during the Zoo’s adults-only affair (21 years and older), but one will learn the many facets to the birds and the bees of the animal kingdom. Woo at the Zoo, formerly known as the Zoo’s Sex Tour, will entertain and educate guests through a multimedia presentation and up-close encounters with various creatures inside the Zoo’s Osher Great Hall. Led by former Zoo penguin keeper and animal-care professional, Jane Tollini, the 2008 dates for Woo at the Zoo are February 9, 13, Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14) and 15 at 6 p.m. and February 10 and 17 at noon for a special Sunday brunch presentation.

For more info, visit the zoo's site. And look at that: not one tiger attack reference. (Well, except for that one.)

Someone put this man out of his misery. This is just...sad.

It seems that NBC 11 caught Bill O'Reilly's film crew taking in the (non)X-rated partying that went on at last Saturday's Erotic Exotic Ball. This week he'll devoted an entire segment to the annual "sexy" Halloween fete, and even have the ball’s founder, Perry Mann, on as a guest.

San Francisco has angered conservatives around nation over the last couple of months. Such antics as giving Communion to the wrong kind, failed Blue Angels banning, The Last Supper parodying, and breathing, have helped O'Reilly set his old-man lasers on SF now more than ever before. Clearly, hate for little old us is ratings gold over at The O'Reilly Factor.

But the Erotic Exotic Ball, Bill? Really? The ball is pretty tame compared to other events here in SF that you can sink your fangs into. With all due respect to its founder, the Erotic Exotic Ball is a mere powder puff of an event. It's a Halloween party where women wear boas and pink furry cowboy hats. It's an event where couples still use the pimp-ho theme as a basis for costumes. For God's sake, it's a bash where people still insist on dressing up as pirates.

But leave it to Bill O'Reilly to be five steps behind the world at large. Go get 'em, tiger.


Image: NBC11

Who knew?

According to the Scarborough Research -- an institute that measures the lifestyles, shopping patterns, media behaviors, and demographics of unholy, evil American consumers -- San Francisco was ranked as one of the top markets for people who read or contribute to blogs. Yay. And, duh.

Along with other such indie- and techie-saturated cities as Austin, TX; Portland, Ore.; and Seattle, WA, what makes us a top market is due to so many youths living here, and our predilection for sporting the latest technology on our bodies. The report from Editor & Publisher goes on to say that bloggers tend to have different relationships to the Internets than the average American user.

That is to say, while your more crimson areas use l'Internet for such mundane tasks as email, shopping, online banking, and screwing in the name of Christ via eHarmony, San Francisco might use it for things like this.

See you in hell, SF and local bloggers. It promises to be quite the party down there. In our haste to ridicule others, we misunderstood this sparkling gem of an article. Apparently, WE are the ones using the Internets in such a, well, typical way. Eh, whatever. Point being: SF is tops in the blogging market. Ta-da.