LAPD officer watches from the stands before today's game between the (pathetic, unkempt) Los Angeles Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants.

Spring is here and San Francisco Giants baseball is back!

Tonight, at 6:40, the Giants will open their 2014 season in Arizona against the Diamondbacks. Angel Pagan will take the Giants' first at-bat and, for the first time, Madison Bumgarner will take the mound as the opening day starter. Both of those guys have amazing names. The rest of the starting line-up will be:

2. Hunter Pence (RF), starting Year 1 of his sparkling new 5-year contract.
3. Brandon Belt (1B), still smiling after signing his one-year contract with the Giants.
4. Buster Posey (C/1B), who is everything that is right and good about America. Also, for 2014, he's 10-pounds buffer.
5. Pablo Sandoval (3B), who will be playing this year like it's his resume, because, well, it is. Also, for 2014, he's 30-pounds lighter.
6. Michael Morse (LF), he's the new kid in class. Be nice and sit next to him at lunch, ok?
7. Joaquin Arias, (2B), at the start of a new 2-year contract.
8. Brandon Crawford (SS), local boy, good on defense. If he can hit .270, that'd be gravy on a waffle.

New for 2014: In the early 2000's, the A's had three of the hottest pitchers in baseball. One of them, Barry Zito, would later sign a deal with the Giants, which, in retrospect, was robbery. Good for him, though. Well, the Giants now have a second one of those triplets: Tim Hudson. Huddy will round out the rotation of MadBum, Cain, Timmy, and Vogey, and if he doesn't work out, I'm sure General Manager Brian Sabean has Mark Mulder in his contacts list.

Timmy is back. At the end of last season, for most fans, it was a foregone conclusion that Tim Lincecum's career as a Giant was over. Either he'd want to go somewhere else or the Giants would move on from the less-than-stellar version of Timmy we'd seen these past couple years. Well, it turns out Timmy and Giants couldn't quite quit each other. Timmy signed a two-year contract, keeping him in a Giants' uniform through 2015. Whether he'll remain a starter or transition to a reliever remains to be seen. As long as he's wearing our laundry, who cares?

We've heard of Old Man Winter bringing some of our countrymen to heel with "polar vortexes" and "nor'easters" and "snow" and "ice" and "cold." Whatever. Unlike them, we suffer in stoic silence. Water is falling from the sky right now, and we'll only cry a little bit. We endure and our reward is that much richer. Baseball is back, the Giants are back, Brock has a Hello Kitty 2012 Champions T-shirt, and it's an even numbered year so we're World Series bound. Ah, opening day!

P.S. Stick a finger in Winter's eyeball by going to AT&T Park tonight for a free, live telecast of the game. Can a telecast of a game be rained out? I called AT&T Park and they say it's still on, so... grab your umbrella and rain jacket. Gates open at 5:30 PM at Willie Mays Plaza.

Giants mascot Lou Seal rappels 23 stories down the side of the Hyatt Regency Embarcadero during an Outward Bound City Skyline Challenge event.

Local celebrities, politicians, and around one hundred San Franciscans will take part in the two-day event to help bolster outdoor learning opportunities for low-income students. This is one of those events.

Well then.

Previously: Lincecum & Loe Wearing Each Other's Uniforms

(By e.Chang)

The Week That Was:
Won 1, lost 1 against the Rockies.
Won 3, lost 1 against the Dodgers.
69-81 for the season, 4th Place in the NL West.

The Week That Will Be:
Tue: at New York against the Mets.
Wed: at New York against the Mets.
Thu: at New York against the Mets.
Fri: at New York against the Yankees.
Sat: at New York against the Yankees.
Sun: at New York against the Yankees.

1962 was just like old times. All the old faces (and some new) were there—guys like Yogi and Whitey and Mickey and Roger for the Yanks; Felipe and Matty and Orlando and the two Willies for the Giants.

The Giants v. the Yankees in the 1962 World Series. That just tastes like Cracker Jack, looks like a fedora, and sounds like baseball.

They had met six times before, the first in 1921 when the Yankees were renting from the Giants. The Giants won that World Series, and the next one too, also against the Yankees. In 1923, the Yankees finally got the best of the Giants. And again in 1936 and 1937 and 1951.

The 1962 Series was the first time the old neighbors had met since the Giants left New York for the West Coast and San Francisco. The cross-town rivalry became cross-country.

It was one of those scenarios you played out in the backyard as a kid. Two outs, bottom of the ninth, game 7 of the World Series at Candlestick Park. The Giants are down 1-0. There is Matty Alou on third-base, Willie Mays on second, and you’re Willie McCovey and you’re coming up to bat. A single scores Alou and Mays and wins the game, no question. A homerun would be for the ages.

The pitch was a fastball, inside. McCovey’s swing murdered the ball, sending it screaming through the air, tearing a path into right field. But before McCovey could step out of the box, before Maris could come charging in from right, Bobby Richardson, the Yankees’ second baseman, closed his eyes, extended his arm, and McCovey’s line-drive found the glove.

Game over. The Yankees won and broke Charlie Brown’s heart.

These two powerhouse teams seemed destined to meet again in the World Series in short order, but never did. 40 years would pass before they played against each other in a real game—an interleague game, but still.

This week, the Giants are back in New York. They go to Queens to play the Mets and then over to the Bronx to take on the Yanks. The San Francisco Giants v. the New York Yankees. After all these years, that still sounds like baseball.

*****

One day, your ex is going to get married. He or she is going have a fantastic wedding, make beautiful children, and live in marital bliss and happiness. And that’s great! No, really, you’re happy for them. Honest. Honest! But that doesn’t mean you want to be at the restaurant, eating alone at the bar, when the proposal happens. Fuck. That.

This past week, the Dodgers could have officially won the NL West and clinched their spot in the playoffs and rubbed our faces right up in it. The Giants, in LA, had they gotten spanked by the Dodgers, would have been forced to watch as the Dodgers celebrated. Thank the Lord Buddah Allahmighty that THAT did not happen! Instead, the Giants went to LA, took 3 of 4, including a 19-3 win AND a win over Kershaw. The Dodgers are going to clinch, but not while the Giants are at the restaurant.

Unless…no. They wouldn’t right? Right?!

(By e.Chang)

The Week That Was:
Won 1, lost 3 against the Reds.
Won 0, lost 3 against the Cubs.

46-58 for the season; last place in the NL West.

The Week That Will Be:
Mon: Off. Giants visit the White House.
Tue: at Philadelphia against the Phillies.
Wed: at Philadelphia against the Phillies.
Thu: at Philadelphia against the Phillies.
Fri: at Tampa Bay against the Rays.
Sat: at Tampa Bay against the Rays.
Sun: at Tampa Bay against the Rays.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Ok, there was something, and though we're not quite sure what that thing was, we think it was all balled up, compressed, and dense as all get out. And then there was a big ol' bang and the universe spread and expanded and it's still going. And so goes the NL West.

Four games. At the beginning of this month, four games separated the 1st place Diamondbacks from the last place Dodgers. And then the Big Bang happened and the Diamondbacks and the Rockies and the Padres and the Giants and the Dodgers began to move and realign and spread. The Dodgers went 24-6 and the Giants went 8-22 and the NL West stretched. Today, the Dodgers are in 1st and the Giants are in last place, 10 games back. Did reading that last sentence hurt your eyes? Good, because it killed my soul to write.

But don't you dare call this rock bottom. The Giants are like the Marina or Foster City, and you're gonna have to go deep--down to the continental shelf itself--before you can even begin to even fathom the depths you'll have to dig to hit bedrock. We know because our shovels scraped cold, hard granite in 1992.

*****

The Giants had won their last World Series in 1954, when they still called New York home. They moved west to San Francisco in 1958, and four years later, they were back in the World Series against their old world rivals, the damned Yankees. The Giants lost. Then they lost and lost some more until 1989, when they finally made it back to the World Series and lost again. By 1992 the party was over.

The San Francisco Giants were losers. The A's had won the World Series in 1972, '73, and '74. They made another three appearances in '88, '89, and '90. Of the latter three, the one they won was against…the Giants. The Raiders were champions in the '67, '76, '80, and '83. The 49ers, of course, were royalty. Even the Warriors had won the NBA Championship in 1975. The Giants' trophy case contained certificates of participation and a few scratch 'n sniff stickers. Something needed to change.

Like the scenery.

*****

Most well-adjusted people know there is a St. Petersburg in Russia. I suppose Giants fans know that too, but you'll have to excuse us if it takes a moment for it to click. You see, for us, St. Petersburg exists only in nightmares and in Florida--redundant, I know.

In 1992, the Giants were sold. The team--Will Clark, Robby Thompson, Dave Righetti, John Burkett, Rod Beck, Matt Williams, Jose Uribe, Bill Swift, the whole lot of them--would be crated up and shipped out to Florida where they would call St. Petersburg home.

The St. Petersburg Giants. The Tampa Bay Giants. The St. Petersburg Giants of Tampa Bay. The Eff You's.

The Giants would play for St. Petersburg, a town that was a festering bump on the flaccid penis of America that is Florida. This was too much. This, my friends, was rock bottom.

*****

Bedrock is the best for solid foundations--once you hit rock bottom, you can build up. The 1992 sale was blocked by the National League owners and the current Giants ownership group stepped in and snatched the team away from the traitor Bob Lurie. The boys were back and all the things that would not have happened, happened. Barry Bonds happened. Kruk and Kuip and Miller and Flemming happened. Timmy and Matt and Buster and Panda and McCovey Chronicles and Scutaro and a perfect game happened. World Series championships in 2010 and 2012 absolutely happened. (Let's all agree 2002 never happened).

*****

The Giants will go to St. Petersburg on Friday, but they'll go not in a U-Haul, but wearing our city's name on their chests. They'll probably lose, because let's face it, that's what the Giants do these days, but that's OK. When the Giants play the Tampa Bay Rays, it'll give us all a chance to step back and remind ourselves that as crappy as this season has been for the Giants or as terrible things may seem in each of our lives, there is still a whole lot to be thankful for. At the very least, we'll be reminded things could be worse--we could be in Florida.

(By e.Chang)

The Week That Was:
Won 0, lost 3 against the Reds. One game postponed.
Won 1, lost 2 against the Dodgers.

40-47 for the season, 4th place in the NL West.

The Week That Will Be:
Mon: home against the Mets.
Tue: home against the Mets.
Wed: home against the Mets.
Thu: San Diego against the Padres.
Fri: San Diego against the Padres.
Sat: San Diego against the Padres.
Sun: San Diego against the Padres.

It's sunny and it's July and it's too early in the day and week to be negative, so let's focus on the pluses: At least the Giants were in last place for only a couple days. At least the Giants didn't get swept for the second time in two weeks by the Dodgers. At least the Giants won a game this week. At least the Padres are the Dyson to the Giants' Hoover in terms of suckage.

When this season ends in late October with the Giants hoisting the World Series trophy over their heads for the 3rd time in four years, we will all look back at July 2 as the day that the season hit its antapex--the day the Giants got no-hit against the Reds, the day the Giants took the Dodgers' place in the NL West's cellar. The story of this season will be about the second half, how the Giants regrouped after hitting the lowest of lows and hitched a ride on a rocketship to 1st place in the NL West, to the World Series, and another parade down Market Street.

Or, when this season mercifully ends in late September, with the Giants languishing in last place, giving our last standing ovation to Timmy in a Giants uniform, we won't remember July 2 at all, because even when you think you've hit rock-bottom, the bottom can still drop out.

Remember kids: it can get worse.

But it's sunny and it's July and it's too early in the day and week to be negative, so let's re-focus on the pluses: the New York Mets are in town and they are one of the five National League teams who wish they were as good as the Giants. After a sweep of the Mets, the Giants will head to San Diego to sweep a four-game series against the Padres, another illustrious member of the aforementioned Group of 5. So if things go according to plan, the Giants will head into next week's All-Star break with a record of 47-47, which, if everything goes just so, will be enough to put them in 1st place in the NL West. What? It can happen!

Et cetera: Citizen, have you voted? You have? Then put on a fake mustache and vote again! As you know, the All-Star Game is approaching and as today, the Giants will be sending three representatives: Buster Posey, Madison Bumgarner, and Marco Scutaro. Although none were voted in by fans, Buster was voted in by fellow players. Respect. Madison and Marco, however, were selected by the NL All-Star team manager: Bruce Bochy. Yep, Boch hand-picked guys from his own team. Don't like it? Win a World Series, bub. And he ain't done, either--Boch is actively trying to sneak Sergio Romo into his suitcase to bring with him to New York. As for voting, fans have one last chance to vote in one player from a pre-selected group of five players, one of which is your very own Hunter Pence. There are also two Dodgers in that group. You know what to do and you know how to do it: activate the voting bots and stuff that ballot box. Do it for the Giants; do it for democracy.

(By e.Chang)

The Week That Was:
Won 1, lost 3 against the A's.
Won 1, lost 2 against the Cardinals.

30-27 for the season; tied for 2nd in the NL West.

The Week That Will Be:
Mon: Off
Tue: at home against the Blue Jays (Bruce Lee Tribute Night)
Wed: at home against the Blue Jays
Thu: Off
Fri: at Arizona against the Diamondbacks
Sat: at Arizona against the Diamondbacks
Sun: at Arizona against the Diamondbacks

Everyone loves June. When you were a kid, the only schoolwork you had in June was making Father's Day cards with construction paper shaped like a necktie. April and May are OK, but if you're going to name you kid after a month, go with June (with apologies to Betty Draper). Look out your window. Beautiful, right? That's June.

For the Giants, June means it's no longer May, and good riddance. The Giants went 14-13 in May, which isn't awful, but it doesn't exactly inspire dreams of October. After two full months of baseball under our belts, the best we can say about our beloved teams is an emphatic "Meh." The worst thing we can say about our beloveds? Let's not go there there--we'll only end up arguing and you'll bring up the noodle incident and I'll withdraw emotionally and so let's just not.

coughPITCHINGcough.

Fine. Without a doubt, the story of the season thus far has been the collective suck of the pitching staff. Look, they may end up with the league's best ERA and WHIP and the fewest runs allowed and the lowest batting average against, but right now, and for the past two months, our guys suck. In May, Barry's ERA was 4.33, Madison's was 5.17, Timmy's was 6.37, and Vogie's was 9.00 before he broke his hand. That's not good, folks. WAR is one of the new crop of baseball stats. It stands for "Wins Above Replacement." What it answers is this question: How many more wins do we get from Player X versus a no-name replacement player from Triple-A? For example, Madison's WAR is 0.9--he has contributed 0.9 more wins than a replacement player would have achieved. Barry's WAR is -0.3, Matt's is -0.7, Timmy's is -0.7, and Vogie's was -1.6. Wait, wait, wait, does that mean if we sat our entire starting rotation, and replaced them with five kids from the farm, the Giants would have been better off this season?! Crazy, huh?

Speaking of replacements and kids from the farm, the Giants have been in need of one since Voglesong broke his hand and will be out for a couple of months. The Giants called up Mike Kickham from Fresno to fill in for Vogie. It didn't go well. He pitched into the 3rd inning, gave up four runs, and was put on the next Greyhound bus to Fresno. The next guy did better. Everyone, meet Chad Guadin, Vogie's new replacement and the Giants' new best starting pitcher.

So this was weird: Timmy has been sitting in the bullpen. With the relievers. The Giants' management is saying all the right things--he was there just in case the new guy doesn't make it past the 3rd inning, there was a double-header on Saturday, Timmy is still a starter, and that's all very true, but read that again: Timmy has been sitting in the bullpen. As in, he was ready to go as a relief pitcher. As in, the same role he excelled at in last season's post-season because he was left off the starting rotation. And he seemed ok with it. This may end up meaning nothing, or it may have meant everything. Whatever it was, it felt weird and I didn't like it.

Ah, June! The beginning of summer, Adopt-A-Cat Month, everyone's favorite Joy Luck Club daughter, and a fresh start for the stale Giants. Yes, the Giants have 18 games on the road this month, and yes, the Giants can't win on the road, and yes, the Giants have already lost two road games this month, but let's not waste time dwelling on such things. After all, what is so rare as a day in June?