This week's installment: Bus comfort, back door hard-ons, and -- surprise! -- no official MUNI policy.

When do you decide to make an effort to try and affect things on the bus (telling people to move back or making a fuss if people try and enter through the back door). And if you don't do one of those things, why not?

This sort of thing lives in the Land of Personal Preference; there's no official MUNI policy that comes into play on either of these topics.

Drivers who are sour or who hate their jobs (everybody knows who they are) will pass by bus stops, ignore the sickening and dangerous crowding that can happen up front where their mirrors are, etc. etc. But this is bullshit from a safety and public service perspective. Personally, I'm on the microphone as soon as it starts getting crowded asking people to move to the back and make room for passengers trying to get on the bus, as well as asking for those to give up front seats for those who need them more -- elderly or disabled passengers.

But I must say that I've been a passenger on plenty of buses where drivers ignored both the pile-up at the front of the bus and the obvious flouting of signage and common decency. (e.g., 16-year-olds remaining seated in the front and chatting loudly on their cells while Grampa teeters precariously, feebly clutching the nearest pole.) It's inexcusable for the driver to remain silent in such situations.

I have a major hard-on for the back door. Under most circumstances I can't stand it when people come through the back door and will try my best to put a stop to it. Caveat is that if the bus is very crowded I will open the back door to make loading easier. But the truth is that a
LOT of the time there may be only 10-15 passengers on the bus and there're people who insist on trying to board through the back doors. In my experience, this is almost always because they're trying to evade paying the fare. You all know how I feel about that.

What, pray tell does it take to have the job of personal peon? Well, you have to live in San Mateo and have access to a car. Which is great because you'll have to be on call 24/7. Computer skills are mandatory as is speaking English. It will also help if you dress well, act professionally, are thorough and have a great sense of humor.

It also helps if you are a Giants fan.

And what will you do in this capacity? Why cook and clean and run the schedule. Also schedule appointments, pick up the mail, do the food shopping and drive the person to and from Giants games. Not listed but we're sure will be included are dodging thrown phones, handling insults, keeping members of said sports celebrity's entourage from going to jail for gun violations and keep any sign of groupie from celebrity's wife.

Say, they have to drive to Giants games and they're in San Mateo. Could it be? No, Barry wouldn't need a personal assistant, would he? He is about to resign with the Giants.

Hmmmm....

Okay, it goes without saying that there's a chance this might be a crock. Never believe what you see on the internet and all that. But, well, who doesn't want to shop for creatine at 3 in the morning for your sports idol? And, if you're lucky, maybe you'll inject something in an ass or two.

Submissions go to yvesdroppings at gmail dot com.

If you wanted to know the latest gossip in the SF restaurant scene, you wouldn't come here. Not yet: we are convinced we will start receiving FAT JUICY TIPS --just any second now-- about which new place is about to open, and which chefs are about to switch kitchens. No, you would go check out the Inside Scoop. So we were disappointed to see that GraceAnn Walden, who penned the column for fourteen years, had moved on to other endeavours. GraceAnn always had her ear to the ground, scooping hot tips after hot tips, and dishing them fresh from the oven to you.

Since food reviewer Amanda Berne is taking over the column, does this mean that Amanda's reviewing gig is up for grabs? Personal to M. Bauer, food editor: us, Michael, us, us, us! We absolutely won't mind having our food expensed, and we have all these cool disguises from the village people garage sale to go totally anonymous. Just between us, cowboy, we're very frisky too.