Man, what a big game that Steelers/Pats game was supposed to be. We woke up yesterday morning looking forward to sitting down and watching us some really good football between two really good games only to discover that the game wasn't on because due to the NFL's stupid rules about TV games, we were forced to watch…

Vikings 27 49ers 7- Seriously, there's something wrong about the fact the NFL forces everyone to have to watch this crap. Shouldn't they at least create some sort of Mercy Rule that says that if a team has only three wins and they're down by around 20 at halftime that we should be allowed to watch other games? Okay, yes, the Niners held Adrian Peterson to almost zero yards, but they lost mainly because they gave up ten points on five turnovers, a dangerous proposition when you can't score. They also gave up an 84 yard run by Chester Taylor that looked like at least five or six Niners had a chance to tackle him but nobody could. And now Dilfer's down and Alex Smith is either healthy or about to have season-ending surgery and one of the most historically inept offenses in NFL history could be possibly led by the third string QB. This franchise is shite.

"Yes, it's true what they say, every dog has his day"- the Kinks

49ers 37 Cardinals 31- Now, that's what we call a game: back and forth scoring, a last-minute drive followed by another last minute drive, a missed field goal, and then the winning touchdown on a fumble in the end zone. And that doesn't even accurately describe the last furious minutes of regulation time and the overtime. The Cards had a big play that should have won the game as the kicker made the kick, but it was called back by a delay of game penalty and the kicker missed the ensuing kick. That never happens. But the big deal, other than the win obviously, is that the Niners actually showed some offensive game. They did weird things like using a spread offense or crossing patterns and some guy we barely remember named Frank Gore was given the ball a whole bunch of times. That guy is good-- maybe the Niners should give him the ball more? How big of a deal was this game?

Raiders 20 Chiefs 17- Here's the other shocker of the day as the Raiders had a lead and actually held it. This despite the fact some dude on the Chiefs named Kolby Smith ran for 150 yards against the Raiders. The hero for the Raiders was Justin Fargas who ran for 139 yards. Fargas has become our favorite Raider mainly because of his name: Justin Fargas sounds like a name in some pulp fiction police story, like he's the hard-nosed police investigator who always skirts the law and we can just see some Police Sergeant banging his table and exclaiming loudly "Get me Fargas!" Anyways, this was the first Raiders victory in six games, their first win in 9 games against the Chiefs, and first in 17 tries against AFC West opponents.

If there's anybody in the city taking more heat than Mike Nolan, it's his quarterback, Alex Smith. Smith stands accused by the Faithful of not very being good. The evidence? Overthrowing Receivers. Underthrowing Receivers. Not seeing open Receivers. The numbers back up the evidence-- he has a preposterously low QB rating (57.2) and completion percentage (48.7). He is also 11-19 as a starting QB. In the games we've watched, Smith looked like the same QB he was when he first started-- skittish and inaccurate-- so much so, the Faithful are muttering that Smith, as a #1 draft pick, has been a bust of Lucy Pinder-like proportions (sort of NSFW-y).

There are many theories out there for his general awfulness. Is he still hurt? Is the new offensive coordinator lame? Was the brief glimmer of decent play all due to Norv? He also played in a spread offense in college and there's a theory that QBs who play in gimmicky college offenses don't do well in the NFL. And maybe he just isn't a very good QB?

And speaking of #1 draft picks, there is the Raiders. The only reason to care about the Raiders right now is the eventual Coming of JaMarcus. After all, what else do Raiders fans have left to care about? The Raiders are like this season of "Heroes"-- boring and awful with only the possibility of something interesting happening towards the end as the only reason to keep watching-- Save the QB, Save the World. So why isn't the big guy playing? Is he not ready yet? Or maybe it's because whenever Al reappears from his cryogenic freezer, he mandates that the Raiders still need to just win, baby. After all, the AFC West is God-awful and a Raiders' Colorado Rockies-like run can actually send them into the playoffs and that probably won't happen with JaMarcus at the helm. Then again, it probably won't happen with Josh or Daunte and Andrew at the helm either.

How bad is this team so far? They're 0-2 and have yet to score a TD, having only scored two field goals. The QB has been sacked 15 times, they've given up a safety, been intercepted 3 times, fumbled the ball six times, and have only racked up 291 yards this season. To put that in perspective, eight quarterbacks threw for more yards last week than the Raiders offense has combined in two games.

There's usually two ways we go about doing this. One of them is to compare something in sports to something in pop culture. Like "What Member of the 2006 Yankees is Like a cast-member of 'Saved by the Bell'" or "the Giants outfield is pretty much the baseball equivelant of Larry, Darryl, and Darryl." The other way is to break something down by relating something to quotes from some popular form of entertainment.

So, in keeping with this tradition, we here at SFist will break down the upcoming NFL season with quotes from one of our favorite personages of pop culture-- Moliere. Cause nothing says American football like Enlightenment-era French dramatists. Grab a seat, put on some chamber music, and put on your favorite wig as SFist takes a look at the new NFL year!

So this year, as we approach NFL '06, we read through the experts to see what they have to say about our two local teams. This year, they all pretty much said the same thing about both of our local teams. In fact, we could sum it up in two words: last place.

How dreary is this season looking? On Deadspin, the writer of the Raiders' preview refused to discuss the current team, only his Raiders memories, and the writer for the 49ers admits he hasn't really cared since Steve Young left.

But wait, isn't there more to the teams other than being doomed to last place? Well, yes. The general consensus on the 49ers seems to be that they're bad, but not as bad as last year, mainly because it's almost mathematically impossible for a team to be that bad two years in a row. And the general consensus for the Raiders seems to be "what the?" as in "what the hell are they thinking."

Quarterback plays a large part in the thinking, mainly in that Aaron Brooks is destined to break break your heart. Which we know because he broke our heart two years ago in Fantasy Football. As for Alex Smith? All Peter King could say about him is that he's a really nice guy. Apparently, so is Vernon Davis because that's all the TMQ could say about the Niners. Alas, we all know what happens to nice guys.

Well, there are some nice things being said about both teams. ESPN says the Raiders are making the right moves but are still a last place team. And Ron Borges of MSNBC Sports says if things break right, the Raiders could surprise. ESPN also has some love for Mike Nolan and says he's the right guy at the right time but still hampered by the previous guys.

So see, it's not that bad, Bay Area football fans. With a little luck, the Raiders can compete and the Niners can compete in 2008. Until then, well, isn't watching football really about drinking a lot of beer and eating really disgusting food with the buddies? We'll always have Pat O'Shea's

Let's go to the rap sheet, shall we? At his first stop in Indianapolis he was let go after making obscene gestures at the coach during a game. At his next stop in Atlanta, he got benched for a season after only yelling at the coach during a game. After that there was a quick succession of teams who fell in love with his arm but quickly fell out of love with his attitude. And yes, that includes the Raiders before he ran afoul of Chucky Gruden and was let go. He also sported one of the worst mullets in sports.

Oh yeah, he also hasn't played in several years. Like since 2001. He was last signed to an NFL contract in 2004. According to the Chron, he was last seen running a "run-and-shoot offense for a fourth-grade football team in his hometown of Indianapolis." And he's 38 fer crissakes, which would make him a rookie on the Giants, but we digress

All of this shouldn't be that surprising consider the coach hasn't been a head coach in twelve years and the offensive coordinator hasn't worked in football in seven years. Seriously, shouldn't Al start investing in new technology? You know, like the kind that allows you to scout players and coaches using something other than VHS technology? A lot has changed since then, you know: a Bush is in the White House, we're in a war in the Middle East, and the economy sucks.

Huh. Anyyone know what Thurman Thomas is up to these days?

First, a recap:

* Picked round 7, pick 47; 455 overall / Kevin McMahan / WR / Maine / 6'2" / 196 / "Mr. Irrelevant"
* Picked round 7, pick 6; 214 overall / Chris Morris / C / Michigan State / 6'4" / 305 / "The Heady Snapper"
* Picked round 6, pick 7; 176 overall / Kevin Boothe / OL / Cornell / 6'4" / 327 / "The Ivy League Hotelier"
* Picked round 4, pick 4; 101 overall / Darnell Bing / S / USC / 6'2" / 230 / "The Match-up Solution"

* Picked round 3, pick 5; 69 overall / Paul McQuistan / OT / Weber State / 6'6" / 315 / "The McNasty"

Story: Paul McQuistan and his twin brother Pat were both chosen in the 2006 NFL Draft, with Paul to your Raiders, and Pat to the Cowboys. Paul went in the third round, and Paul in the seventh. They both play on the offensive line. Hmmm, how would an NFL scout rate one better than the other? What if they'd switched jerseys and not told anyone?!

In any case, Oakland's McQuistan is already making waves in The Raider Nation -- he's already got his own fansite! Paulmcquistanfans.com was alertly noted by Patrick Patterson over on his Thoughts From The Dark Side blog.

And how do they fit?: Another big, raw O-line recruit for Coach Shell to mould.

Outlook: The big redhead will be starting at right guard this Sunday against the Eagles.

* Picked round 7, pick 47; 455 overall / Kevin McMahan / WR / Maine / 6'2" / 196 / "Mr. Irrelevant"
* Picked round 7, pick 6; 214 overall / Chris Morris / C / Michigan State / 6'4" / 305 / "The Heady Snapper"
* Picked round 6, pick 7; 176 overall / Kevin Boothe / OL / Cornell / 6'4" / 327 / "The Ivy League Hotelier"

Story: Cornell? Cornell! That's right, an Ivy League Raider. Considered a raw recruit drafted on merit of his physical stats. Played guard and tackle.

“Playing in the NFL, I've always dreamed of that," Boothe said to
the Ithaca Journal, “This is what I love to do. I love football.”

Boothe also loves the hoteling industry, attending Cornell for their prestigious School of Hotel Administration, and working the Summer of 2004 at the Hard Rock Hotel in South Florida.

"[Cornell is] the only school where you can learn the classics in the morning and learn how to milk a cow in the afternoon, as University President Dale Corson once put it," said American Football Spectacular's Cornell correspondent John Miller, who attended their law school between 1960 and 1963. That is to say, you've got a highbrow Ivy League school that still retains its Life Science classes. "It's an anomaly because it still wears all these stripes," Miller said.

Easily the youngest of the Ivy League schools, Cornell is considered one of the best colleges in the country for aspiring hoteliers. "Those guys always arrived at grad day with jobs," said Miller And indeed so has Boothe, though not in the field of study.

And how do they fit?: Slotted as a guard, Boothe will be expected to be a backup. And beyond that, he's a good-looking gamble for the Raiders.

Outlook: A calculated risk, Boothe has no shortage of "upside." He's got the body, the will and the smarts. Now all that needs to be determined is how much football smarts he can absorb and put into practice. Heck, he could even become a starter one day. We'll see.

* Picked round 7, pick 47; 455 overall / Kevin McMahan / WR / Maine / 6'2" / 196

* Picked round 7, pick 6; 214 overall / Chris Morris / C / Michigan State / 6'4" / 305

Story: Chris Morris is big guy who loves him some math, earning his finance degree early during his junior year at Michigan State.

"I've always been interested in numbers, and that was my favorite subject," Morris said to patriotinsider.com. "But I figured no matter what I accomplish in my life, whatever money I make, I'll know what to do with it. It leads to a lot of opportunities."

Currently working on his master's degree in kinesiology, Morris should be just fine in terms of employment, even if this whole football enterprise thing out there in Oakland doesn't stay open past next year.

"I'll have to learn their offense as quickly as I can, and pick up every bit of information that is available," he said to The Toledo Blade. "It's a new challenge, but I'm really excited to be a part of the Raiders."

And how do they fit?: Looks like Morris will be slotted as heir apparent to fill the loyal Adam Treu's role once Treu retires; a long snapper with the versatility to fill in on the offensive line when needed. Jake Grove is the incumbent at center. It is presumed that Treu and Grove will mentor Morris in growing a proper Raider offensive lineman's beard.

Outlook: A solid pickup, Morris can conceivably be the long snapper and backup lineman for saesons to come.

We meet Paul McQuistan, Darnell Bing, and Kevin Boothe.

By SFist Christopher Rogers, contributing