From Alamo Square to Yerba Buena:
Stop with the posturing about the inferiority of other neighborhoods. Don't define yourself or others by a zip code. Leave your comfort zone. Be yourself. Try it. You'll like it. We promise.

All previous Etiquette Week posts.

Getting drunk. It's something a lot of people do on a regular basis, and it can make or break a night on the town for better (wooooooo!) or worse (retch). Rubbing shoulders with inebriated amateurs can ruin a night of civilized drinking, and becoming the very drunken idiot you despise is the risk we all run once the alcohol starts flowing. But there are things you can do to get your drink on without killing the party for the rest of us. Below, our tips for drunk and orderly conduct.

Getting drunk.
For many of us, high school and college passed in a blur of gross mixed drinks, bad beer and nights of epic wastedness. Getting plastered was fun, and yes, sometimes it's still fun. But as the years wore on, getting too far gone to comport oneself as a decent human being just didn't seem so fun anymore. So while drinking remains one of our ultimate favorite activities (sorry Mom!), we urge the adults around us to stop one drink short of becoming the out-of-control, abrasive asshole we all remember from college.

At the bar.
Loud, sloppy woo girls and ruddy-faced dudes are a hazard of any night out, especially the weekends (which is why Friday and Saturday are now Netflix nights). But we've all been that swaying, cross-eyed inebriate at one point or other, and even the most abrasive drunks are people too. Resist the urge to be an asshole to these lost, drunken sheep: if you're sober enough to make good decisions, you can lend a helping hand or shepherd him/her back to his/her friends.

Sexy time.
With alcohol comes lowered inhibitions (and lower standards), which means drunk people get into lots of awkward sexual situations (news flash!). While we don't really feel like getting too deep into drunk sex etiquette, we'll just say this: drink water, use condoms, and don't be afraid to fall asleep before anything weird might happen. If you still want to do it in the morning, then go for it!

Driving.
Don't drive drunk! You're smarter than that. Also, you might kill someone. Cabs, Ubers, buses and walking are all tried-and-true alternatives to endangering yourself and others.

Speaking of cabs...
It's 2 a.m. and you're on 11th Street after leaving Butter or DNA Lounge. Cabs are scarce and common sense even scarcer. But just because you're wasted doesn't mean you can upstream someone else's ride, make a crazy scene or start screaming like a banshee for no good reason. Keep calm, carry on, and you'll find your way home eventually. Alternately, if you come to by yourself in the back of a cab, it means your friends sent you home. Do not, under any circumstances, turn the cab around and arrive at the party again. And seriously: don't puke in someone's cab. That's rude.

Vomit.
Alright, so is there any more futile imperative as "do not vomit?" If you're going to puke, you're going to puke. However, even the most inebriated brah may be able to tell the difference between someone's doorstop and a public gutter, a carefully tended flowerpot and a discrete bush or grove of trees. When in doubt or dire straits, aim away from private property and towards easily hosed down spaces. Double and triple this rule when dealing with events where mass public drunkenness is a matter of course. Don't be a statistic.

Urine.
The same rules apply for public urination as with vomit. Alcohol is a diuretic (science talk for "makes you piss like Seabiscuit") and as such, more drunkenness equals more urine. But while the streets run yellow during such celebrations as Bay to Breakers and Halloween, we simply cannot endorse public urination, especially when it comes to other people's stoops and gardens. Try to go before leaving the bar or holding it until you get home. If you must piss in public, try to pour forth with a modicum of respect. If that's event possible.

Note: San Francisco's social scene can be incredibly alcohol-centric. We have opportunities to imbibe every day of the week and all year 'round, and sometimes it can feel like, well, too much. If you feel like you might have a problem with alcohol or other substances, take a break and assess whether you can operate without them or whether you might have a dependency issue. This isn't meant to be a PSA, but neither is it an endorsement of binge drinking.

Read all of Etiquette Week on SFist.

Etiquette Week 2013 continues to teach you how to be a better person today with tips and tricks on navigating your local grocery store. From swiping samples to queuing up properly to the freezer doors, we have you covered.

Samples
Whether you're at Costco or Whole Foods, samples are god's gift to you, and you should take advantage of them. Yes, you may avoid samples for fear of human social interaction or conflate "hi" and "wow" when addressing the person manning the sample table, awkwardly blurting out "why!" or "how?" as you pass them. You may feel guilty for taking more than one cube of cheese or mini pizza bagel. But that person does not give a shit whether you eat one or three samples. Life is long and full of disappointments, so go ahead and treat yourself.

Queue Like a British Person
Line etiquette varies from location to location and chain to chain. Your Whole Foods and your Bi-Rites seem to have this figured out with one line leading to multiple cashiers. Your neighborhood Safeway, on the other hand, is guaranteed to be a clusterfuck in which people disregard express lane limits, jump lines willy-nilly and will inevitably need to write a check. And may heaven help you if you try to check out at a Trader Joe's during the evening rush for microwave Pad Thai. In these cases it's best to just pick a line and resign yourself to whatever chaos might emerge from the cart in front of you. Those magazines are there for a reason.

Don't Judge
Want to have some fun? Go to the Safeway on Church at 3 a.m. There you will find many wonders of humanity, from the straight-laced mom buying groceries for a full week to the individual purchasing a handle of vodka, Pepto-Bismol, condoms and Corn Nuts. But despite how much you might want to guess about people and their lives judging from their purchases, don't judge (or if you do, don't try to chat about it!). We've all bought weird stuff and that doesn't mean you know who we are or what we're all about. When you see me at Safeway buying a bouquet of flowers, a pint of ice cream and a frozen pizza, please don't say "Date night?" to me. Because it isn't date night. Not by a long shot.

Your Indecisiveness Is Killing Everyone Else
When you're staring at a breakfast cereal selection that has not changed since the early 90s, it really can't be that hard to pick out what you want. If your brain is saying "Kashi," but your inner nine-year-old is screaming for Fruity Pebbles, do yourself a favor and get the Fruity Pebbles. And then get out of the way so we can reach the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Save your indecisiveness for the fancy cheese section, where people expect that sort of thing.

Don't Browse with the Freezer Door Open
It will fog up the other windows! And then what? AND THEN WHAT?

Start the Bagging Yourself
Though places like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods try to have baggers on hand during peak hours, this is not always the case, and is often not the case at Safeway or Bi-Rite. If, like a good and environmentally conscious San Franciscan you've remembered to bring your own bags, you should just start loading those up as your items get scanned and after you've slid your debit card, just to keep things moving. In this day and age, we should no longer expect that this will always be done for us, and it's not like you have anything better to do than chit-chat about the quality of peanut butter with the cashier.

Did You Break and/or Spill Something?
Rather than leaving behind a mess, simply ask a store employee to clean it up. They won't judge you and they'll wipe it up posthaste.

Be Aware of Yourself and Your Luggage
If you're navigating the tiny aisles of your neighborhood grocer, or TJ's, with an overstuffed backpack on your back and a basket full of wine and pre-made salads at your front, you will need to move gingerly about the store and with the kind of care that you should be using on public transportation. Some of us, when knocked in the ribs with your backpack full of rocks, aren't too polite to shove back.

Control Your Children
Understandably, you cannot always leave the children with the Governess. When you must bring your wee ones to the store, please keep them tied around a virtual leash. For your sake and -- far more importantly -- ours.

Jay Barmann, Andrew Dalton, Rose Garrett and Brock Keeling all contributed to this report.

Previously: How To Behave On Facebook
How To Drive In San Francisco Without Being A Total Idiot
Read Etiquette Week 2012 here.

In these our Edison-bulb-lit gastronomic times, proper service has all but been stabbed in the neck repeatedly, chopped up into bits, and left in the freezer for dead. But you know exactly what? Oh, you know exactly what, you. Your manners are also dying a slow death, especially when it comes to dealing with the waitstaff (or, in your case, "the help"). Let's break it down.

Michael Bauer has an excellent piece in today's Between Meals section. It's all about bussers who clear the plates too soon. And this is a problem, especially when you're not finished. "Plates should remain on the table until everyone is finished," Bauer urges. He also offers a suggestion as to why this OCD-like early plate clearing happens, explaining, "The problem is that at many places the staff isn’t very well trained. I think in many cases the people removing the plates think they're on top of things because they've never been taught otherwise."

Hear, hear.

In related dining etiquette, we have a question for the SFist audience: How do you deal with rude dining companions? We don't mean first dates that act out or fart out loud or, far worse, cry at the table. No, we mean close friends who are habitually rude to the waitstaff. Because, sweet Jesus, it really does suck sucks. We are then guilty by association. A prickly pal makes for a far worse dining experience than a rude waiter since you have no one with whom to commiserate about the former (at least until you get home to IM your other friends about the uncomfortable dinner you just had).

Anyway, we'd love to know how you circumvent this problem, aside from black balling that pal from public dining arenas.

Recoil in white-hot rage, rule-abiding commuters, as we present to you a batch of horrifying images plucked from the BART Idiot Hall of Fame, a Facebook page that posts photographs of bad behavior caught on BART. See the white male liberal take up an aisle to work on his laptop! Watch as a hooligan uses three seats for a mid-commute nap! Marvel at the rotting apple core wedged between seats!

Each photo here comes accompanied with one slice of commentary care of BART Idiot Hall of Fame's fan base. Also, for those in need of a refresher course, please memorize SFist's How to Behave on Public Transportation.

By Alissa de Vogel

Today we bring you the fifth (but not quite final) installment of National Etiquette Week here at SFist. So far we've provided you with helpful tips on how to ride the bus with dignity, cross the street like a grown-up, and behave yourself at the club. Our final piece today pertains to the topic of cycling etiquette.

Providing tips on how to behave onesself on a bike is no easy task. In fact, we were reluctant to even broach this subject given how controversial it seems to be. Like it or not, urban cycling exists in a legal grey area right now. Yes, cyclists are supposed to be held to the same driving laws as motorists and can be penalized for the same transgressions. On the other hand, many of these laws are incredibly impractical for cyclists and extremely difficult to enforce. We could spend all day debating the merits and difficulties of stopping at every stop sign, but that's not the point of this piece. The following advice is designed to have wide applicability for all cyclists regardless of an individuals regard for the rules of the road.

Be Communicative
Don't blow past other cyclists without even so much as a courteous “On your left!” Say something. Ring your bell. It's annoying and disorienting to have someone suddenly zoom past you when you're riding in a tight pack on Market Street. If you're really in hat big of a hurry, announcing yourself is just a nice thing to do.

When possible, Try to Ride with the Pace of Bike Traffic
Are you one of those cyclists who likes to ride insanely slow in the lowest gear possible, and then blow every single stop and light with no regard for oncoming traffic? If so, you're a special kind of menace. How about you adjust that equation? Bike faster, spend a few seconds stopped, and you'll reach your destination in the same time. Also, you look dumb doing this.

When Approaching a Group of Stopped Cyclists at a Light, Stop at the Back of the Pack
Don't weasel your way to the front of the pack only to fall to the back again when the light turns green. Nobody likes someone sneaking past them with a half inch clearance. Can you imagine cars doing something like this? No. (Because you hate cars.) Stop at the back. If you want to be in the front, go faster.

General Rule for Bike Parking: Think Before You Lock
Be careful not to ding other peoples' frames with your lock. Don't snaggle your drop bars with someone else's drop bars and make that person untangle them. Don't take up more spots than you need to (see photo above). If you knock someone's bike over, pick it up. Remind yourself that others will be parking around you, and park accordingly. (See also: The Gothamist Guide To Basic Bike Lock Etiquette and Safety.)

No Speakers
Please do not force those around you - pedestrians, motorists, and cyclists alike - to listen to your music. No matter how much we love "Baba O'Riley," everyone will hate it coming from your Boombotix on the way to work in the morning. You are the bike lane equivalent of a teenager on the back of the bus blasting music from your Nintendo DSi. Cut that out.

For a few more tips on how to conduct yourself on the road, check out last week's article for Bike to Work Day.

Friend of SFist Sally Kuchar, Curbed SF editor and lifelong Giants fan, and you very own SFist editor recently bemoaned early-season fans' behavior at AT&T Park. Kuchar points, of course, were all spot-on and wonderful and needed to be shared with the world. So much so that we begged her to pen this very special piece for SFist on proper etiquette for amateur fans at Giants games. Take it away, Sally...

After the Giants won the 2010 World Series a slew of new fans arrived at the park. Great! The team’s roster has been filled with quirky characters who are easily marketable and likeable. It’s very, very, very easy to become obsessed with Giants baseball. There are 40,000+ seats to fill at AT&T Park, and it’s quite the sight when an ass is in every one. That said, some of the new fans need to learn some AT&T Park etiquette. (But not all of you; the majority of you are great.)

INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR:

• The wave. Don’t start it. Don’t do it because it seems like everyone else is doing it. Teach the youth of San Francisco that the wave is unacceptable behavior. And please, don’t ever, ever do it when we’re at bat. The whole point of the wave is to distract the opposing team’s hitter.

• Please remain seated when a batter is hitting. Refrain from walking around, as the seated people behind will not be able to watch the game. There’s a reason ushers stand in certain sections who will not let you reenter your section until the batter’s box is empty. The exception: Key moments, like when the count’s 3-2 with two outs and we’ve got players on base. It’s time to rally. Rally like a motherfucker. Unsure of what a key moment is? It’s when everyone around you stands up and starts rooting.

• Socializing while standing. Unless we’re between innings, do not stand up for long periods of time if you are in a seated section. The rows behind you cannot watch the game if you’re standing on your seat and yelling for five minutes straight. The reason there’s a 7th inning stretch is because you should be sore from sitting down for six innings.

• Swearing. There are 3-year-olds around you. And seniors. Seniors hate swearing! If you want to start a universally acceptable chant, do it. “What’s a matter with Victorino? He’s a BUM!” Acceptable! And encouraged. Especially if you’re in the bleachers. In fact, only in if you’re in the bleachers. Victorino can’t hear you if you’re sitting behind home plate. Inappropriate chant (similar to things overheard at the park as of late): “What’s a matter with Victor--what’s his fucking name again? OH, well, WHATEVER, FUCK THAT FAGGOT!” Do not do this.

• Smoking weed. You can’t smoke weed in a ballpark that’s family friendly. Don’t be that person who lights up a joint when you’re sitting in the middle of a section. Want to get stoned (because you have a medical marijuana card and not because you illegally purchased that weed, of course!) go to the game early and light up by the McCovey statue. It’s the equivalent of smoking cigarettes behind the gymnasium in high school. It’s where all the cool kids are.

• Treating opposing team's fans like crap. The bottom line is that we are collectively allowed to engage in civilized discourse with opposing team fans if they welcome it. Feel them out first. If they are just there to support their team, leave them alone.* If there’s an obnoxious opposing team’s fan on the loose, boo them loudly until they’ve sat down and buried their head in their lap, regretting their decision to not only be a fan of a lesser baseball team, but for being a jerk about it. If they’re out of control drunk and throwing garbage, spitting on people, and calling your girlfriend a “cunt,” text security so they can quickly show up and deal with it. The fan will most likely get ejected and may even spend the night in the drunk tank.

• Talking trash about our own teammates (unless they really deserve it.) Okay, you can crack a joke about Huff grounding out to second again. You can be bummed when one of our guys strikes out when the bases are loaded and there were two outs. You can be disappointed in Barry Zito’s contract. Just try your best to keep it positive when you’re at the park. The exception is when a player is consistently playing terribly. You are allowed to hold them responsible for their actions. You were allowed to boo Aaron Rowand for sucking all the time. You were allowed to boo Armando Benítez because he was awful and didn’t care about baseball.

PRO TIPS FOR HAVING AN ENJOYABLE TIME AT AT&T PARK:

• Be respectful of the folks around you. If you accidentally bump into the person you’re sitting next to because the Giants just hit a home run and you are totally stoked and are jumping up and down, apologize with a smile and give them a sort of hug or high five and tell them you’re so happy you’re here with them to see this great game be played. GO GIANTS.

• Enter AT&T Park through Public House. Better and cheaper beer, and you can bring it into the stadium.

• Dress in warm layers. This way you don't complain the entire time because you’re freezing.

• Understand that each team in the history of every sport has its ups and downs. Mostly downs. Try to find the good in the bad. Have faith. Have hope. Part of being a true fan is still loving your team when they’re playing like crap.

• It is an awesome experience when you catch a ball at AT&T Park. Further, you will be a much better person if you give the ball to the child next to you whose arm isn’t long enough to have caught it. You will be that kid’s hero and he or she will mention you as an inspiration in their valedictorian speech.

*This rule does not apply if the Giants are playing the Dodgers.

(By Sally Kuchar)

PBR-drinking chef Ron Eyester of Rosebud restaurant and Family Dog bar in Atlanta isn't keen on certain types so customers—namely, those who aren't well-versed in the delicate ways of consuming his artisan down-home food. Or something like that. Enter his recent article on dining manners over on Eatocracy. "I am very proud of the relationships that my staff and I have developed with many of our regular guests," Eyester notes, adding. "but there is also another 'special demographic of folks' that are worth mentioning." And that demographic could be you. All of these poor diners (sometimes literally, since many cannot afford to eat overpriced onion rings these days) share a "common thread of ignorance that makes them easily identifiable by both restaurant employees and the everyday diner alike."

For example, the "we'll squeeze" kind of customer:

If you show up for your holiday luncheon an hour early with a just a "few extra people who can squeeze" so that you can decorate my dining room with your holiday cheer and fill your table up with mini Santas, cheesy ornaments and other dollar store holiday crap and then yell at us because the server accidentally spilled a glass wine and your guests were “cramped,” all signs point to amateur.

This particular amateur diner is especially interesting because they tend to dine out in groups and therefore, their vulgarity is amplified by sheer numbers. You can easily spot these folks blocking the front door, huddled in a mass around the host stand waiting to unleash their rude fury and repeatedly letting us know that they’re with “the party.”

He has a point. Yes. Stop doing this, disgusting diners. That said, it is the host's duty to corral a large group, give them wine, tell them to wait outside, go home, fuck off, please stay, or whatever.

Eyester also reserves ire for the "I'm kind of a big deal" diner. Behold:

If you’re the loudest guy with the most demands and critical of every aspect of the dining experience, chances are you are not a “big deal” and you’re certainly not paying the bill.

You are easily identifiable because every time you order a drink, you order something different - and you probably started off the night with a top-shelf Long Island Iced Tea. Plus, you’re wearing a herringbone necklace.

You know it’s going to be about six months until your cousin graduates from college and then you’ll have another opportunity to enjoy the “high life” of dining out; so you’ve got to make tonight worthwhile. We also know you’re going to order the filet mignon, even if it’s not on the menu

Excuse us? Why the unbridled hate for something as delicious, effective, and perfectly whorey as the Long Island Iced Tea? LIITs are delicious and, for us, a huge time saver. Screw you, mixology. The world is not made of (disgusting) PBR and rye drinks tinged with burnt orange peel alone.

Amazing cocktails notwithstanding, Eyester is right. Herringbone accents are vile. Also, diners loudly critical of their dining experience ruin it for everyone. You think your dish has too much salt in it? Well, too bad. Stay home. Restaurants (should) use lots of salt. Because that is what makes food good. Yes, it does.

Eyester goes on to reserve bile for "amateur diners," who are not only confused after opening a menu but aren't afraid to sing it loud and proud.

I’ve often contemplated that perhaps we should administer a common sense test of very basic food questions to guests that we do not recognize. If the results clearly reflect that these folks do not dine out very often, we can monitor their dining experience under closer supervision than that of the average diner.

Tests on gastronomic prowess? This should go over swimmingly with low-income families. But, again, we see his point. Sort of. When we saw "nettles" appear on a menu earlier this year at a Mission District restaurant, we were all, "Oh fucking, really? Nettles?"

Moving on, Eyester has much to say about diners who lose their shit when having to wait for a table ("[k]eep calm and drink on," he says) and finicky eaters ("If you need to consume [this being the operative word] a meal to your exact specifications so that you can take your pill later, then might I suggest hiring a personal chef or cooking for yourself," he suggests). And while we're terminally ill over the growing trend of chefs who forget that, at heart, they are merely servants performing a duty, we think Eyester's rant makes a perfect year-end steam releaser.

You can also follow him at, appropriately enough, @theangrychef.

(Thanks goes out to Dan Berkes for brining Eyester's piece to our attention.)