8-year-old Kayla Montez was kidnapped today from San Jose. She is a Hispanic girl, 4-feet tall, 45 pounds, has brown hair, and was last seen wearing a white jacket, a light blue shirt, and blue jeans. According to reports, the fuzz suspects 24-year-old Mark Porter of swiping the girl. He is 5’7”, 180 pounds, has brown hair, and is also Hispanic. He might be driving a black Chevrolet, with the CA license plate of 3VLS142. If you see him, call San Jose police at 408-277-4268. Update: She's been found. She's safe. The girl was dropped off at a Wienerschnitzel. more ›

Oh, gosh, excuse us. Sorry. We just heard the unholy tale of Jean's cement Jesus statue, or lack thereof, and we're livid. Our Lord, it seems, is being held hostage. Why? Because Jean won't take care of her "poopies" or "weiners" [sic] -- at least according to the CNN reporter, doing his best to make it on Best Week Ever or the Daily Show. more ›