It's Etiquette Week at SFist, in which SFist's editors dole out some prescriptive advice for how to behave in this city we all share in order not to overly annoy, offend, or otherwise piss off your fellow citizens. Please read carefully.

This year’s Etiquette Week coincides with Bay to Breakers, our local tradition with perhaps the least dignity or protocol of any event in the city. The zany magic of Sunday’s 7.46-mile costumed footrace is an amusing annual San Francisco treasure, but Bay to Breakers is also dubious — even compared to Gay Pride or 4/20 — for displays of loutish and ignorant behavior. There is so much behaving badly at Bay to Breakers that Stanley Roberts could fill a three-hour “People Behaving Badly” marathon on KRON 4 Sunday night — but he is, after all, only one man.

We advise that you do Bay to Breakers like a pro, so you can blend in with the Salmon, the I Dream of Jeannie Jeannies, and a lot of cute and inspiring people whom you’ll be delighted you got out early on a Sunday morning and get to know.

Wear a Costume
Unless you think you can run Bay to Breakers in 45 minutes or less, you should be wearing a silly costume out there. You’ll feel a little out of place if you’re not dressed up, and it is the Bay to Breakers custom.

Wear Clothing, Or If Not Get Creative With Your Nudity
Bay to Breakers does indeed have a cult of naked runners. But that this practice has become passé, employed mostly anymore by the grandfatherly-looking segment. You can expose yourself creatively, but the “all naked with sneakers and tube socks” look is frankly quite fug. Particularly so when combined with a fanny pack.

Image: Joe Kukura

Register For The Race
Look how cute those registration bibs are on these two! Sure, Bay to Breakers is notorious for its lack of enforcing that you bought the registration bib. And Jay did note last year that Hayes Hill is the optimal place to crash. But do adult up, chip in on the street closure fees, the porta-potties, medical staffing, and the SFPD coverage necessary to make this Bay to Breakers mayhem possible. Online registration is closed, but you can register in person at the Zappos.com Bay to Breakers Expo Friday and Saturday.

Feign Respect For The "Alcohol Ban"
Fun Fact: Alcohol is technically banned from Bay to Breakers according to the race FAQs! But of course many of you will be drinking alcohol, and hopefully using our Bay to Breakers Liquor Store Map. At least be diplomatic, conceal your booze properly, and drink responsibly. Race volunteers and law enforcement will already have enough on their plate.

Image: Joe Kukura

Use The Porta-Potties
This really ought to go without saying, but public urination has been a problem for Bay to Breakers in years past. There are cadres of porta-potties every mile or so along the race course, please respect the neighborhoods and use them.

Get To The Start Line By 8 a.m.
Shoot for 7:30, actually, so you’re on time for the 8 a.m. start! (You may want to bring tortillas.) This race starts early Sunday, and they’ll start tearing down the official Start Line if you straggle past 8:45.

Image: Tom Hilton via Flickr

Be Patient, Don’t Push
Just accept that the race course will be very crowded during the first leg on Howard Street, and ridiculously mobbed when you’re on Hayes Hill. You cannot expect enough elbow room to do any good freeform running until you get to Golden Gate Park, that’s just how this race flows. There’s no sense stressing over your speed or race time; you’ll miss much of the good times that make this race so special.

No Wheeled Objects Or Floats
Newer San Franciscans may not remember the popular old Bay To Breakers tradition of wheeled floats and mobile bars, often equipped with kegs. This all sounds great, but the proprietors were terrible at cleaning up after themselves. Thus, any wheeled contraptions are justly banned.

Realize that this is the 105th annual running of the Bay to Breakers Race, so it’s an event with history, customs, and tradition. You can be still irreverent or even intoxicated while also honoring custom and maintaining decorum. After all, Bay to Breakers is a blast and we sometimes need to lift our spirits lifted after that earthquake that happened 110 years ago.

Related: Etiquette Week: How To Be Drunk

The underground competitive drinking contest known as the Beer Mile had a milestone event on Treasure Island Saturday, with the Beer Mile World Classic bringing the drinking game's world record holders together for their first-ever head-to-head competition on the same track. SFist was on the scene, and even competed (poorly) in this mile-long race in which runners must chug an entire 12-ounce beer each quarter mile. “This is the Beer Mile of the century,” race co-producer Nick MacFalls told SFist before the race. “We have seven of the top ten fastest [Beer Milers] ever. We have the last four world record holders. We have three of the four guys to break five minutes.”

Even with all of the elite runners flown in from around the world, more than 300 regular boozebags like me also ran in the Beer Mile amateur heats. Saturday’s racers left it all on the track, often including the content of our stomachs.

Beer Milers refer to vomiting as a “reversal of fortune”, and cookie-tossers are forced to run a penalty lap. The first retch of the day was committed by Bushbaby (above left) who did indeed run the race in a penguin pajama onesie. “I was basically just glad that I could open the field for everyone else to puke afterwards and feel comfortable about doing that,” Bushbaby told SFist.

Drinking four beers while sprinting a mile proved far more difficult than many of the runners had anticipated. “I’m a runner, so why not have four beers while I run?” competitor Jessica “Squibber” Otero told SFist after her race. When I asked Squibber her time, her friend informed us that it took her twenty minutes. “Bullshit! Twenty minutes?”, she protested.

“It was pretty bad, baby,” her friend said.

Image: Joe Kukura

My Beer Mile effort was pretty bad, too — it took me 10:34 and I lost to a guy who was juggling rubber balls the entire mile. But I held my puke until after I crossed the finish line, so I was not assessed the penalty lap. “Go feed the fish, Fat Elvis!” race announcer Josh Muxon taunted me as I staggered to relieve my stomach into the bay.

But the elite men’s and women’s fields offered outstanding Beer Mile performances, and the videos below show how the pros do it. “We’ve got the best Beer Milers in the world puking it out,” said elite men’s racer James Nielsen (USA), the first runner ever to do a Beer Mile in under five minutes. “Everyone is in peak running shape and peak drinking shape.”

A Beer Mile is the most hilariously slow-starting race you’ve ever seen. Runners must pound the contents of the whole 12-ounce beer before beginning their run. Here we see the opening gun of Saturday’s elite men’s race, with the runners’ short-shorts reflecting their nations of origin.

With each quarter-mile lap, racers must fight the urge to puke and chug yet another beer. Just look at the form of Lewis Kent (CAN), who finishes his third lap/beer and still shows flawless chugging technique. Not so for former world record holder Josh Harris (AUS), who loses his lunch and the race along with it with a reversal of fortune at the :31 mark.

The boozy Canadian Kent did not break his world record time of 4:55, but he still won the inaugural Beer Mile World Classic with a 5:07. “A lot of guys can set world records, but they can’t win at world champs,” Kent said after the race. “I didn’t want that to my name. So I proved I’m the best in the world right now.”

The women’s elite heat, featuring Bay Area track stars Lyndsay Harper (Berkeley) and Tori Tyler (Los Altos), was won by Caitlin Judd (Charleston, S.C.) with a 6:48 time.

But the real prize should have been awarded to Fred Carter, who spent his afternoon tending to the vomit buckets situated by the track’s beer chugging station. “It sucks. Don’t stand behind the bucket,” Carter told me, just before the men’s elite race. “So far we’ve had about ten [vomiters] which is not bad. More men than women.”

“It’s usually just foam,” MacFalls insisted.

MacFalls and the other Beer Mile organizers should be proud of an event well done, considering the challenges of getting the city to OK a drunken puke race. “The permitting process was very difficult,” MacFalls told SFist. “We had a lot of rejections.”

The same could be said for the runners’ stomachs at Saturday’s race.

There was only way this season had to end — and so it did. Our Golden State Warriors are the NBA Champions!

There are those of us who, for decades, ached for those words. Golden State Warriors. NBA Champions. They never went together, but there they are, in the same sentence, and how sweet the sound. My brothers and sisters, comrades and citizens, the longing has ended, the hunger satiated, the clouds have opened and our drought is over. Our Golden State Warriors are the NBA Champions.

And it was Steph and Klay and Draymond and Harrison and Andrew and David and Shaun and Festus and Leandro who made it happen. And it was Iggy. Andre Iguodala. He who had started the first 758 games of his NBA career. He who was asked to sit the bench this entire season. He who was finally asked to start, for the first time this season, in Game 4 of the NBA Finals. We won that game. He started Game 5. We won that game. He started Game 6. We won the season. Andre Iguodala, the first player in NBA history to have never started a game in the regular season and win the NBA Finals MVP award. Andre Iguodala, the legend that ensured that our Golden State Warriors are the NBA Champions.

And the man that Iggy edged past for that award? LeBron James. The undisputed, and self-proclaimed, best baller in the world. With all due respect to Iggy and Steph, there is no question who the best basketball player was in these NBA Finals. In these Finals, LeBron was beatified. Kevin Love, Cleveland's third best player went down with injury. Kyrie Irving, their second best player, went down with injury. LeBron took a look at what was left of his team, and it was a shambles. They were chumps who weren't good enough for the Knicks--the Knicks!--and LeBron said, "Get on my back. I'll carry you." He almost did. Think about this: take out LeBron and insert any other player. Steph. KD. Harden. Anyone. How many games do they win against these Warriors? Zero. They would forfeit to avoid the slaughter. How does Magic do with this Cleveland team? Larry? Kareem? What about MJ? We know that LeBron won two games, by himself, against a historically great Warriors team. It was the best player versus the best team. But this is basketball, not golf, and that is why our Golden State Warriors are the NBA Champions.

Maybe you're new to the Bay. Maybe you're new to basketball. Maybe Steph & Co. convinced you to take up residence in Dub Nation. You're welcome here. You came at a great time. The weather is great and the rent is cheap. We hope you stay for a long time. Or maybe you've suffered long and you've died hard, year after year. Maybe you're like my friends Jimboy and Mari and Gindo and Tep and Bino and wore that blue and gold since Run TMC. It doesn't matter. Last night was for all of us. It was for Oakland, their current home. It was for San Francisco, their former and future home. It was even for San Jose, where they once played. It was for the whole damn Yay. And today, for the first time in most of our lives, all of us can say our Golden State Warriors are the NBA Champions.

One more time: Our Golden State Warriors are the NBA Champions!!!

All previous editions of The Dubsack.

Well, would you look at this. A photo captured by Twitter user David Bellona, himself a designer at Twitter, is making the rounds for its perfect evocation of San Francisco's much-ballyhooed incipient class war. Posted with the pithy "current status of SF," the photo juxtaposes a man with a cardboard sign that reads "HUNGRY," sitting outside a Porsche 911 Carrera S with the vanity license plate reading "DRUNK."

Sure, it looks like it could be photoshopped, but SF Citizen tracked the car down and yes, it does exist. The car is named Sally Carrera, and and she and her owner do not care what you think of them: "I realize many people feel this says bad things about me. I feel that says bad things about them." Jason Weisberger of Muir Beach is the owner of the car (and the publisher of Boingboing): SF Citizen reports that there may be an unpaid ticket for blocking a street sweeper in the mix as well.

Perfect approximation of San Francisco's social climate or just a typical evening commute? You decide.

[@DavidBellona/Twitter]
[h/t SF Weekly]
[SF Citizen]

We've done a 180-degree turn on Mr. Anthony Bourdain after viewing last night's San Francisco The Layover on The Travel Channel. Bourdain calls Swan Oyster Depot one of his favorite places in San Francisco, talks about crossing swords at The Tonga Room, slurs his words, and throws shade at food bloggers. At North Beach's Mr. Bing's, he yells, "You're going to get a lot of annoying, foodie f**kin bloggers saying...What kind of psychotic f**king freak would not love this place?"

Grub Street stitched together some of the best moments from last night's episode. Watch it again and again for maximum pleasure.

[Grub]

My Friend Evan: Episode 2: The Fire. from Steve Rold on Vimeo.

Why can't our drunk voicemails sound this fun? Our alcohol-infused voicemails are filled with vitriol, regret, and the occasional Sondheim lyric. They rarely involve home fires, debates over squirrel weight, and/or the Oregon Trail. Steve Rold's friend Evan, however, does leave such voicemails, which Rold conveniently sets to animation. The first video was an astounding success. The new follow-up could rival the first. Enjoy.

My Friend Evan: Episode 1 from Steve Rold on Vimeo.

Starting out the new year by adding zest to crime blotters all over San Francisco, a man was arrested on Sunday for trying to break into Zeitgeist for a glass (or eight) of hooch. At around 9 a.m. on Sunday, Brian Jenkins, 33, reportedly used a razor blade to destroy posters at Zeitgeist after being being told to beat it since the bar was closed.

Bartender Ben Rubin, who described Jenkins as "squirrelly, explains to The Examiner, "“He wanted to come in. I told him that we’re not open, but have a nice morning...Then he started flipping out, kicking the building.”

After officers arrived at the Mission bar to arrest an aggressively thirsty Jenkins, things took a dramatic turn. "While the police officer was inside the bar completing the report, Jenkins, who was reportedly lying on his stomach in the police car, kicked out a rear-door window and took off running, according to witnesses."

He was arrested a short time later with no further incident, charged with suspicion of vandalism and a "felonious escape."

[Ex]

During last weekend's tribute to Christ's birth, many people were pinched for driving while smashed. BCN (via SF Appeal) reports: "In the period spanning from 6 p.m. Dec. 24 through midnight on Dec. 26, Bay Area CHP officers made 115 DUI arrests, down from 195 for the same period last year." Around the state, officers arrested 658 drivers for driving while blotto, "a drop from the 1104 arrests for the same period in 2009." [Appeal]

Lou Bustamante has an intriguing report about what bartenders hate most in a customer. None of the reasons, at least not directly, are related to blackout tomfoolery. After asking "some of the city's best bartenders about what drives them crazy," Bustamante notes some of following examples: Rude behavior when a bar doesn't stock the brand you ask for (rude!), lack of patience (the DTs wait for no one), ​ordering a drink while you're on the phone (wait, how can one do this while they're burning to a crisp in the lower rungs of hell?!), making out with someone at the bar (guilty), and unfurling your drug stash at the bar (as mother used to say, "in for a penny, in for an eight-ball"). Read more about what irks your liquid drug dealer over at SF Weekly.

A reader, who asked to remain anonymous, writes to SFist about a harrowing (albeit it tiny) blaze aboard a flight, prompting an emergency landing at SFO on Sunday.

A good friend was flying on American Airlines flight 72 on Sunday, August 1 from Honolulu to Chicago with his wife and 1-year-old daughter when a passenger seated directly in front of them lit a napkin with a lighter during the flight, causing smoke in the cabin and commotion.

The lady sitting next to the passenger who lit the fire threw down her DVD player and alerted flight attendants who berated the passenger verbally and tried to determine his intent. It was an extremely tense situation, and the pilot ordered an emergency landing in San Francisco where the passenger was taken into custody by police. The DVD player
lady was distraught and crying the rest of the flight to Chicago.

Terrifying, right? Our tipster goes on to say:

Cheap eats/drinks guru Broke-Ass Stuart's Monica the Intern has a handy list of where best to get smashed and lose your self-respect and the respect of others. The Triangle (in the Marina but might be closed), Dolores Park (Mission), Sadlads (Castro), and rented trolleys all made the cut. Said venues are perfect for getting ripped to the tits in order to have a shrieking nervous breakdown (Sadlands), twirling inane hippie sticks (Dolores Park), or doing the whore dance -- i.e., one-arm-in-the-air-while-"freaking"-your-BFF-to-a-Justin-Timberlake-remix dance (The Triangle). Be sure to check out Broke-Ass for the remaining four places in which to lose your dignity. (The only glaring error would be Otis, but that's only because of one fateful night your editor spent there many moons ago. Ugh, never forget.) [via Eye On Blogs]

The San Francisco Police Department is going to crack down on underage drinking at AT&T Park this week, according to KTVU. Apparently other Giants fans have complained about junior alcohol enthusiasts so the SFPD will emphasize a "zero-tolerance policy for violations of underage alcohol possession and consumption and public drunkenness laws during baseball games." Wait a minute, public drunkenness also applies to the of-age beer guzzlers—does this mean fans will have to...behave? The increased police presence will start on Friday and the monitoring inside and outside the park will be in effect for the rest of the season. The SFPD adds that it's "working with our neighboring law enforcement agencies in the educational outreach program regarding underage drinking in the stadium and vicinity" and that "flyers regarding the laws about underage drinking and the consequences of violating those laws" will also be distributed around and on the way to the stadium.

Aside from Juanita More's party at Bambuddha Lounge, the Frameline Film Fest, KRON4 fag hag Jan Wahl's coverage of the parade, the meth cloud that will hover above Beck's Motor Lodge, and the bittersweet tang of buried shame rising to the surface, we can't say we're looking forward to this month's melee. We're just that cool. Or bitter. Or both.

What about you, San Franciscans? Any plans for the big weekend?

By Joe Kukura

Our Bay to Breakers coverage – which kicked off this morning in a post so drunk and confused it had to be deleted – continues without shame as we direct you to this handy Bay to Breakers Liquor Store Locator. Many of you know how long sections of this race course are painfully lacking in places to buy additional smokes and booze for your continued "running." But with knowledge of a few specific escape valves in Golden Gate Park, you can dash into civilization at the right spots and return smack dab into the mayhem with a solid inventory.

The map is provided in full-size and analyzed in street-level detail at the invaluable Exercising While Intoxicated blog. (Full Disclosure: um, we wrote it.) The overall situation with liquor stores on the race course is summed up as such:

Both the starting and finishing stretches of the Bay to Breakers race course are badly barren of liquor stores, with a healthy abundant patch in the middle. The course's first liquor store open on a Sunday morning doesn't materialize until past the 1.5 mile marker, Go Go Market at the Ninth Street turn. Shocking, huh? They've been open since 6. From there on it's solid coverage through Hayes Valley, up Hayes Hill, and Western Addition. Special attention should be paid to jumping off course in the middle of the Panhandle to visit Lucky Supermarket at Fulton & Masonic. You'll get supermarket discounts on beer and hard liquor, and this is your last chance to get liquor until painfully-way-more-off-course options up at 11th and 19th Avenues far along into Golden Gate Park.