Aw. That's just sad. Bathroom emergency? We're just surprised that Sal didn't take the opportunity to swoop in and read some headlines. Sal was especially excited to remind us viewers that today is Abraham Lincoln's birthday and that he saved some random Sal fan from going to the DMV today, which is closed for the holiday. But poor Tori. All alone at 7:47. *sniff sniff*......

As if the DMV weren't annoying in and of itself, now you can add sexual molestation to the list of ways that the Department of Motor Vehicles makes your life miserable. (...and what's up with airline food, huh, folks?) Four women claiming that they were touched inappropriately by former DMV instructor Calvin Hoang Cat will split $450,000 in a lawsuit settlement with the state of California. According to CBS 5: They say Cat would......

Those who still need to register to vote in time for the February 5 presidential primaries need to do so by tomorrow, January 22nd. Re-registering is necessary whenever you move, change your name, or change your political party affiliation. You can download a form here and mail it in by tomorrow (must be postmarked January 22nd) or deliver it in person. Here's a list of all the local county elections offices. The address for San......

Unidentified Women On Horseback In Golden Gate Park, October 29, 1934 San Francisco Public Library Historical Photograph Collection We’re all for citizenship and all—we would even consider ourselves to be citizenship geeks. We love voting (of course) and jury duty (jury opportunity, we like to call it). We love the Post Office and even the DMV (especially those the traces of the Eisenhower era that remain here and there in those temples of citizenship…......

The Metropolitan Transportation Commission is all over the problem of keeping only confident, competent senior drivers on the road. It's unveiled a new video to educate both seniors and those with seniors in their lives on the risks associated with driving while aging. It's introduced by former State Senator Quentin Kopp -- himself a senior -- who, in a bold performance admits that he, too, finds himself driving slower on the freeway. ...

We're sure many of you recieved letters from Carole Migden, as did we. They serve as yet another medium for excusing her recent poor driving -- and offer up a short list of accomplishments, presumably to let her consituency know how horrible we'd have it without her. Hurrumph. ...

We were skeptical about the plan to open the Panhandle DMV lot for public parking. But Lisa Zahner, the city's Divisadero Corridor Manager, reassured us that the Planning Department doesn't anticipate a rise in traffic levels, since the surrounding streets are already so busy. And in fact, traffic might improve, since drivers won't have to circle the block to find parking. Not only that, but the city's hope is that people will use the......

In an effort to crack down on people riding in the carpool lane without being in an actual carpool, State Sen. Abel Maldonado (R-Santa Maria) is asking you, the commuter, to pitch in and help. Mainly by snitching on people who are breaking the law, breaking the law. ...

Tonight we're staying up late late late for the Late Night Picture Show at the Clay (2261 Fillmore). Tonight they're screening Cremaster 3, Matthew Barney's not-available-on-video 2002 film, and with a special in-person appearance by visual effects supervisor Matthew Wallin. Tickets are $9.75, and are available at the door. If you're way ahead of us on this one, what are you up to tomorrow? The Main Oakland Post Office (1675 7th St) is closing out......

We're inundated with the hottest variety of shows you could ever hope for. ...

You know how GoldenPalace.com is buying everything weird for publicity? Like the grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it, or hiring streakers? (Their list of auctions is some pretty entertaining reading.) Well, they were stymied in their attempt to purchase Jerry Garcia's toilet -- after paying $2550 for the pink-colored throne, it was stolen, along with three other toilets and a bidet, from the current owner's driveway. Golden Palace is offering a $5000 reward for its return. Wonder if Golden Palace staged this whole thing? In San Anselmo, a 16-year-old is so upset about the theft of her bichon frise that her parents have allowed her to stay home from school today. She and her mother were at the DMV applying for her learners' permit, and they'd left the bichon in the car for about 20 minutes. When they came back, someone had opened the door to their Saab (whose locks were broken) and taken the dog. They paid $850 for the dog, which was a present for the daughter's 14th birthday. He's white with brown markings around the eyes, and answers to Napoleon -- if you see him, call the CHP at 415-924-1100 or page Mom at 415-258-5080. And yipes! A car chase that began on 18th and Mission last night raced onto the highway and culminated in a dramatic crash on Treasure Island. The driver repeatedly rammed his car into the cop cars, injuring two officers. Officers then fired at the car, injuring two riders. A third passenger was injured in one of the ramming incidents. ...

For this week's SchwarzenWatcher we were going to give a budget analysis but decided not to. Nobody cares. Because who cares about the financial state of the State when Arnie gets caught driving a motorcycle without a license? And gets away with it! All we can say is it's good to be the Governor. Today the LAPD said they wouldn't cite the Governor for driving without a license. And why should they? Do you remember last time the LAPD tried to stop Arnold? The DMV added that because he was riding with a sidecar, it made the motorcycle technically a three-wheel vehicle and thus technically not something he'd need the M1 license for. ...

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: Hey, all you people who hated the anarchists we used to use to illustrate this column -- that picture is bona fide from this week's EBX! Take it up with the Bottom Feeder! (who's covering off-leash dog owners shenanigans in S. Berkeley). Dude, it's so easy to get a fake drivers' license from the DMV. Asians poisoning other Asian semiconductor workers in Fremont. Cover article: making energy from termites. Friday night, Taiwanese protest music. (he should protest for those Fremont semiconductor workers!) A Mexican place in downtown Oakland. And a guest music columnist on New Orleans. Next up, the Bay Guardian: Yo, people are throwing feces over the MUNI fare strike! SFist Jackson, you didn't say nothin' about that! Cover article: stories ignored by the mainstream media. Why is it always the sunshine laws in these "stories you didn't hear" articles? Also, the Guardian thinks no one is paying attention to the New Times-Village Voice merger. You know what would get that issue some more attention? More articles about it in the Guardian. Annalee Newitz sez they're monitoring our color printers! More on Fecal Face (no, not the MUNI fare striker). Local music (two more). And Sarah Han's comic From The Sidelines on getting comped for shows. That totally happens all the time! After the jump: The Weekly and the pick of the week. The Metro didn't get delivered to our usual pickup spot this week, sorry! ...

A 14-year-old joyriding in a carjacked Chevy lost control of the car and ran into three pedestrians in Oakland. After the accident, the kid and his brother tried to flee the scene but angry bystanders grabbed the driver and started beating him up. His brother managed to get away. Employees of the Delta Queen Classic Car Wash in Campbell are mourning the deaths of ten beloved pet ducks, who were deliberately run over by a joyriding person in a red Acura Integra. The driver not only ran over the ducks but also got out of the car to pick up ducklings and smash them against the side of the car. The cops have a grainy surveillance-camera picture of the license plate and have vowed to press felony animal cruelty charges if they find the perp. The car wash has had ducks since 1972. And hey, remember Calvin Cat, that guy from the Redwood City DMV who was fondling girls who were taking their driving tests? Well, he was sentenced to two years in prison (the maximum). He claimed that he got so nervous sitting in cars that he wasn't driving that it "brought out the evil in him." His M.O.? He'd ask the girls to keep an eye on their right tire while parallel-parking, and when they leaned over, he'd pounce. ...

An inspector at the Dept. of Building Inspection has been arrested for accepting bribes. Augustine Fallay is alleged to have accepted money in "red-colored envelopes" to expedite certain developers' applications, and became the target of suspicion when people noticed he kept bragging about his weekend trips to Europe. Fallay claims everything was a loan. Newsom said, "I hope we can continue to send the message that we're not going to put up with the actions of some individuals that are participating inappropriately in the process of favoritism." (cough cough, Joe O'Donoghue.) In response, Joe O'Donoghue told the Chron that "Newsom is a liar. Ninety percent of the department is excellent, and 10 percent is corrupt. The corruption accelerated in the last year and a half since Newsom came into office." Hey, that doesn't rhyme! In other news, a woman from San Mateo was extradited to Wisconsin to stand charges for murder. Turns out Cherie Barnard's ex-husband, who was the DA in their county at the time, killed someone who threatened to kill a sheriff after the sheriff shot his three dogs. (But he didn't shoot the deputy?) She divorced her then-husband about five years later, after he shot a guy she was seeing on the side. As SFist Eve says, "it's totally an Ann Rule book." And DMV workers in Oakland were busted by the feds for selling illegal drivers' licenses to new immigrants for $3000-4500 apiece. Other workers were in on the take, getting money to enter false information about residency into the computers and selling registration stickers to people whose cars had failed smog tests. ...

A teacher at Palo Alto's Gunn High School has been suspended after letting students drink at his/her (the aide has not been named) New Year's Eve party. The cops found out about it when one of the kids drove his car into a tree (the kid was fine). The school is tut-tutting about the fact that the kid in question had just last year been in a school skit about the perils of drunk driving. That former Oakland Raider who fired shots into Siegfried and Roy's house, Cole Ford, has been found incompetent to stand trial because of his schizophrenia and will be sent to a mental hospital. Ford claims he's completely sane and says that the doctors in Nevada can't evaluate him properly because of Nevada's "gambling culture." Ford also refuses to take any medication. And Calvin Cat, a San Jose DMV instructor, has denied charges that he groped 14 teenage girls trying to get their drivers' licenses in Redwood City. He's alleged to have asked them to drive into the hills, have them attempt difficult driving manuevers, and then attack them while pretending to console them for not being able to do reverse three point turns. Parallel parking is bad enough. ...

I'm checkin' e-mails, I'm checkin' e-mails, hey hey! I'm checkin' e-mails, I'm checkin' e-mails, hey hey! Our question this week comes from Rita, a frequent contributor and fellow SFist staffer: Hey Essefficist, I have a new question for you. How come bikers can run red lights? And are they actually allowed on sidewalks? -Rita Funny you should ask, Rita. A good friend just showed up at the Essefficist's offices with a freshly minted $370 vehicle......

The Governator's new appointment as head of the DMV, Joan Borucki, has suggested that instead of a gas tax, all cars in California be equipped with a GPS device so that they can be taxed by miles travelled on California roads instead, because more efficient cars mean less gas sold and less revenue from gasoline taxes. As Joshua Fruhlinger of Engadget points out, "Larry David would be charged as much to go 10 miles in......

Hey! You! Did you just turn 18? Did you just move? Are you 20,000 loud? Are you going to vote or die? Well, here's your chance -- today's the last day to register for the November 2 election. Embrace your elderly, non-Urban-Outfitters-cool status and exercise your franchise rights! This isn't just for the presidential election, of course -- send in those forms today and you San Franciscans can start up with the ranked-choice voting, and......