Congratulations, Oakland (29th), Fremont (32nd), and San Francisco (34th) -- you made it on the top 50 drunkest cities in the U.S. list. At least, according to the December issue of the body dysmorphia-inducing rag Men's Health Magazine. The rankings are based on alcohol-related liver deaths, "binge drinking data compiled by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention," FBI-culled drunk driving arrest numbers, death-related auto accidents that involved booze, and "grades given to cities by Mothers Against Drunk Driving for their efforts to curb excessive drinking." Cheers, everyone.

What's hysterical, though, according to the SJ Merc, is Fremont Police Detective Bill Veteran's shock and awe at discovering his pretty little town isn't as virginal as he believed. Shaking his in disbelief with a tear falling down his rough cheek, or maybe not, he says, "I don't believe it ... we don't have that many bars and our only large nightclub isn't a problem." Fremont Mayor Bob Wasserman then chimes in to say that the "study's authors 'were probably smoking something when they wrote that.'" To which we say, admitting your city has a problem is the first step. We'll get through this together, Mayor Wasserman. Shhh, it's OK.

Besides, wouldn't you drink into dull stupors if you had to live in Fremont? Of course you would. But on the brighter side, at least the glossy thinks that Fremont is the healthiest city for men. Huh. Go figure.

And the drunkest of them all, you ask? Denver grabbed the number one spot, with Anchorage, Alaska coming in at a close number two.