We have no illusions anyone's going to read this column today what with all this news about Gavin Newsom's affair with his campaign manager's wife -- but we soldier on nonetheless. Last week's winner, the SF Weekly. Matt Smith rails about some kind of corruption at SFO. No, not an affair with your campaign manager's wife. The Apologist is leaving the Weekly -- oh no! The final Apologist -- are you an Apologist for the......

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: Well, this is interesting! Bottom Feeder Will Harper is leaving the EBX to become the executive editor of the SF Weekly. We're sorry to see Harper leave, but we're excited to see what he does at the sister SF publication! Plus, this collection of Bottom Feeder's greatest hits is pretty exciting. We may not be making as much money off stem cells as everyone says we will --......

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: Hey, the EBX is starting a blog -- we hear those are very trendy. But they've got us listed as a link, right below the Culture Blog, so it's all okay! Bottom Feeder mocks the errors made by the Bay Guardian in its East Bay endorsements. Would you buy expensive organic meals prepared by these folks? Confrontational atheists meeting near Walnut Creek. Cover article: the woes of air......

We were out of the area for most of this week, so we're only just now getting our hands smudgy with the alternative press! (Virtually smudgy; we're also reading everything online, because we can't be bothered to go outside and hunt for weekly distribution boxes that still have weeklies in them halfway through the distribution cycle.) Sorry for the delay! Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: Bottom Feeder was attacked by a Canadian goose......

Last week's winner, the Bay Guardian. The theme of the Local News section is "Editor's note: Alix Rosenthal [District 8 candidate] is the domestic partner of Guardian city editor Steven T. Jones. Jones did not participate in the assigning, writing, or editing of this story," as the Guardian weighs in on both the Castro Halloween fight and an update on the Pendulum. Also, Chris Daly can't get any documents under the sunshine laws either. Why......

Last week's tie winners, the Bay Guardian and the East Bay Express! For some reason, though, the only weekly that's updated its site for this week is the Metro, so we're going with their cover as the picture this week. Sorry for the linklessness, folks. At least the Bay Guardian has an excuse for not updating -- its ongoing server problems. Intriguingly, though, the blog they have up in its place says that part of......

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: Bottom Feeder on whether the Concord mayor is anti-abortion, and the bad body odor of a Berkeley narcotics officer alleged to be on the take. Photoshopping pandas in Oakland. (check out that awesome picture!) Do conservatives have fewer friends? Cover article: no, you can't void your mortgage by claiming that US currency has no value (this is a pretty cool article). Cafe Gratitude in Berkeley has bad service. I Like Eating charms us again with a visit to Rudy's Can't Fail Cafe. And Harvilla on the Kim Deal musical everyone's talking about. The Bay Guardian: Hey, new website design! Chris Daly for Assembly? An entertaining editors' note (scroll down) about whether or not the Guardian believes that vegetables feel pain as they're being digested! Oh, advertiser Rainbow Grocery, always on the cutting edge (ouch! watch that edge!) The inside scoop on the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic brouhaha. Hating Berkeley law professor John Yoo ("torture is a-okay by me!"). On The Sidelines' hilarious cartoon about bands with three repeated word names ("Die Die Die?" "Tony Toni Tone?" "!!!" ?). Cover article: Matt Gonzalez on Jonestown (and the Guardian shamefacedly admits that they totally thought the Peoples' Temple was okay at the time.) Bettie Page lookalike contest at Thee Parkside this Friday. And SFist Eve's horoscope: it implies that she's currently in a "crazy place" right now -- hey, Double Team, that ain't nice! The SF Weekly and the Metro, after the jump -- along with the Weekly of the Week....

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: Bottom Feeder asks a good question, which is: why did Sports Illustrated run an excerpt of the Barry Bonds book and not the Chron? He doesn't say, but we're going to guess money. In a separate story, the value of Bonds baseball cards has dropped. Hey, EBX, shouldn't you be focusing on your own baseball team instead of SF's? Cover article: E (aka, "thizz") stops being a raver......

Last week's winner, the Guardian: Hey, we've received late-breaking word of some layoffs at the Bay Area's Oldest Alternative Newspaper. Hope you guys are all doing okay. Onto the pre-layoff news: It's the Freedom of Information issue! Hey, here's some free information -- the Guardian laid off some people. Slumlords, first in a three-part series. Cover: FOIA, FOIA, FOIA. Vanessa Hua gets some love for breaking the Kevin Shelley story. RIP, Octavia Butler. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs are so much better than No Doubt! New DVD magazine by McSweeney's. Bars and Clubs insert: how to open your own bar, and barronista gossip. And SFist Eve's horoscope: a gust of wind could destroy your potential this week, so proteck ya neck! (don't feel bad, SFist Eve, our horoscope says that our inner fears have paralyzed us. Why, we can hardly move our fingers to type this post!) Next, the East Bay Express: Bottom Feeder! A collection of funny Jerry Brown quotes, and an update on the social worker that let a teenager slash an old lady's throat in Berkeley. Ferries aren't really going to save us in an earthquake, are they? (no.) Cover: using citrus-based anti-bacterial lotions to stop AIDS (really!). Chinese buffets. Rob Harvilla warns about the dangers of Dem Franchise Boyz's song "Lean wit It, Rock with it": "If you lean wit it at the exact moment the person behind you chooses to rock wit it, you may collide and knock each other unconscious." That wins the prestigious "sentence of the alternative week" award! And trendy band alert: Arctic Monkeys. And hey, the SF Weekly's Nate Cavalieri shows up across the bay! Lean wit the SF Weekly, rock wit the Metro, after the jump. Also, the weekly of the week!...

Last week's winner, the SF Weekly. Hey, PUNI's back! So brilliant, we're using it as the WRTW picture this week -- it's brilliant because it's true! Matt Smith finally gets a cover article, on venture capital investments in grassroots organizing. He seems unusually enthusiastic about it, for him (i.e., "This might not suck."). Are you an apologist for Arlene Ackerman? Meredith starts off this week's review with "I haven't really been living in the Bay Area for the past month." Ced's thoughts on this! Where's the rest of the food critics this week? And Dan Savage's back on his game, with a Spanking The Monkey scenario, and a spanking the monkey scenario. Extra bonuses: Santorum, and a letter from the editor of the Economist. Really! Next up, the East Bay Express: Jokes about the Chronicle's photo department in Bottom Feeder. Why doesn't anyone care that the Oakland schools may go on strike? Rallies for two Korean men shot to death by the Dublin police. Cover: video documentaries about life on the street -- pretty interesting! Down In Front's looking for a new favorite band now that Grandaddy's broken up -- criteria listed (lyrics about drinking, female bass player). Look at these adorable punk kids in this band called the Matches!! Cuuuuuute! And new word: "Yahdidahbooboo," used as an interjection. The Guardian, the Metro, and the pick of the week after the jump. Yahdidahbooboo! Also, image from this week's PUNI, by Dan Siegler. Impeach Bush AND Daly! ...

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express. The New Times redesigned the webpages for all their publications this week so we're having a hard time finding links today. Bottom Feeder on the SFBG missing JT Leroy, and mayor Jerry Brown says "s***." Cover article: Indian tribes kicking out tribal members. Mmmm, iguana meat. Down In Front checks out the music at NBA games, and we agree with everything on the Cred Sheet (what are Trent......

...because this week they're not that long! We'll start, as always, with last week's winner, the East Bay Express. Cover story is on the Richmond Steelers midget football team -- no, really, it is! Bottom Feeder on animal rights activists who've crossed the line. Cityside on the conflict between industry and residence in Oakland. Justin Benton on the Seldom Seen Acting Company. SFist Sarah, do you know Ramen freak Mira? We prove ourselves to......

...because we think they're cute and tiny! We totally didn't Read the Weeklies last week, which is in direct opposition to our What Would Rita Do? bracelet. With a break like that, we don't even remember who won last week, so let's start fresh, with the East Bay Express. Cute chicken on the cover, story is on how the avian flu is harder to prevent in free-range and cage-free poultry. Fascinating stuff. Dog-f**ker isn't......

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: They didn't make the drop at our usual pick-up spot today, so we're stuck with the web version (which is always so much less satisfying). Bottom Feeder addresses SFist Jon's concerns about Pombo's vulnerability and the Shirek post office! Maybe SFist Jon should also start looking into the Alameda County supervisors' race, which is Bottom Feeder's third topic. Vote no on 80! Like we have any idea what any of these propositions even are yet! (80 = power plants). Don Perata's private investigator. Oakland's favorite Idol, LaToya. And getting baked at the Chabot Center planetarium (the music of Moby is featured). The SF Weekly: Hee hee! PUNI says Google buys SF! And renames Gavin G-New! Hee! And MUNI's renamed G-Cruiser! Hee hee! A totally fascinating story about this attorney who busts cults, grew up in a upper-crust family with a closeted father, and annoys San Anselmo residents with his large left-wing signs. Movie critic doesn't like 24 Hours on Craigslist. Make it stop, we can't bear the Meredith Brody. Soup in Noe Valley. Clap Your Hands Say Pitchfork. Cover article: hip-hop blogs. And -- yoikes -- check out Savage Love's collection of letters about the man who thinks he might have been raped. The Guardian and the pick of the week after the jump! (Sorry, we had Metro distribution problems again.)...

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express: Hey, all you people who hated the anarchists we used to use to illustrate this column -- that picture is bona fide from this week's EBX! Take it up with the Bottom Feeder! (who's covering off-leash dog owners shenanigans in S. Berkeley). Dude, it's so easy to get a fake drivers' license from the DMV. Asians poisoning other Asian semiconductor workers in Fremont. Cover article: making energy from termites. Friday night, Taiwanese protest music. (he should protest for those Fremont semiconductor workers!) A Mexican place in downtown Oakland. And a guest music columnist on New Orleans. Next up, the Bay Guardian: Yo, people are throwing feces over the MUNI fare strike! SFist Jackson, you didn't say nothin' about that! Cover article: stories ignored by the mainstream media. Why is it always the sunshine laws in these "stories you didn't hear" articles? Also, the Guardian thinks no one is paying attention to the New Times-Village Voice merger. You know what would get that issue some more attention? More articles about it in the Guardian. Annalee Newitz sez they're monitoring our color printers! More on Fecal Face (no, not the MUNI fare striker). Local music (two more). And Sarah Han's comic From The Sidelines on getting comped for shows. That totally happens all the time! After the jump: The Weekly and the pick of the week. The Metro didn't get delivered to our usual pickup spot this week, sorry! ...

Thanks to SFists Jackson and Eve for reading the weeklies last week! Last week's weekly of the week, as picked by you, our readers: The Guardian! Gerardo Sandoval continues his all-out media blitz, this time about Comcast (our main priority vis-a-vis Comcast is to get them to add Boomerang, the classic cartoon channel.) Where's our free wifi? A guy died in the SF jail (covered also by the Chron). Annalee Newitz on machinima (like fan fiction, but for videogame hacks). Cover: Oakland band Battleship (who get hit by firecrackers in their shows). Sonic Reducer: local bands go to a bar in LA and run into Lance Bass, Ryan Cabrera, and Courtney Love. The EBX: Bottom Feeder with an excellent Law and Order episode: a possibly-delusional woman who killed her husband, whom she met when she was a patient in his psychiatric practice, is defending herself and will be cross-examining her son. A paper targeted at the Oakland inner city and covering sex gossip, called BootyCrack! Bobblehead day at the Oakland Coliseum! Cover article: the overprescription of psychiatric drugs. And the allegedly-homophobic dancehall star Beenie Man comes to town and puts on a decent show. After the jump: the SF Weekly, and we go back to autocratically picking the weekly of the week....

Last week's winner, the East Bay Express! Bloggers and spammers on an anti-Ignacio De Le Fuente's blog, in Bottom Feeder. Robot cars. Cover article: rookies who accidentally shot an undercover cop. Harrowing, but with special bonus Family Circus-like diagram with dotted lines showing what happened when. Teena Marie's in town. Book reviews. I Like Eating advocates bacon on everything (so true). And Savage Love on the etiquette of barebacking -- so righteous the EBX put him in smaller type so they wouldn't have to edit! The SF Weekly up next: Matt Smith (gasp!) praises Gavin Newsom! (Earthquake preparation.) Cover article: Harmon Leon gets on the reality show Lie Detector! Genius! PUNI: clip and save religious texts to flush down toilets! What probably was going to be the cover article except they were probably trying to avoid looking Guardian-esque: Saddam Hussein was not a very nice guy. Funny anecdote about having to change the name of the trapeze artists/indie rock show from "Music to Plummet to your Death By" to "Music Not to Plummet to your Death By." (Trapeze artists, a serious lot.) Meredith Brody gets souffles and fondue. Books. And Negativland! The San Jose Metro makes a last gasp appearance, and the Guardian, after the jump! ...

Okay, we've had a week to get over ourselves for the SF Weekly Best Blog thing, we're back to normal now. Last week's winner, the East Bay Express. Trippy Slow Wave dream comic! They could make a movie outta that! Bottom Feeder: Operation Rescue's at it again in Rockridge. Cover article: viral marketing in Emeryville with Internet scavenger hunts. Event of the week: Girlstock! With Von Iva! Performance (B)ART. Search the EBX food listings for organic. UK grime is overrated. And Savage Love: STDs (isn't that the band with Scott Weiland?). The Guardian: Tim Redmond says stem cells development will oppress. Hey, have you thought about public power this week? A frightening ad in the front section entitled "The Evolution of the Marina Woman" (so much flowy hair!) -- we think maybe the target demographic of the Bay Guardian is not the audience that SF Optics is aiming for. SF is anti-bike. SFist is ambivalent. Annalee Newitz on the Real ID act. The sex columnist with a letter about a lady who loves her parrot (fake? real? you decide!). And the cover article: movies by that guy who got kicked out of the SF Art Institute for making disturbing movies. Come up with a phrase for the female version of "cock block," and the pick of the week, after the jump! ...

..hey, there's a coupon for $2 off any purchase at Amoeba on the back page of the New Times publications! Whoa, the Weekly's kind of thin this week! What is this, Mischa Barton's paper? Embracing recursivity, the Infiltrator infiltrates an impersonator convention. PUNI makes a Newsom dyslexia joke! Gasp, but also giggle! (We hope he doesn't get sanctioned by the Board of Supes again for it.) Cover article: a Christian film studio. Social Grace tells......

and wish you a happy ChrisMaHanuKwanziKah! As last week's winner, the East Bay Express goes up first. A lot of letters criticizing a number of factual errors in Cecil Brown's piece about African-American graduate students at Cal. (i.e., Brown said there were only eight African-American grad students at Cal; there are actually 316. How do you miss 308 people?) Sigh. In happier news, Bottom Feeder proposes to his girlfriend! We hope she says yes. A......

…so we can accidentally hit people as we struggle to turn the pages while standing on BART! (sorry, neighbor.) Last week's cham-peen, the Guardian! Guess what the Guardian's worked up about? You'll never guess: PG&E! Also, an article providing a nice contrast to the Chron's unrelentingly pro-Newsom article series, about people falling through the cracks under Care Not Cash. Cover article: soldiers coming back from Iraq with post-traumatic stress disorder (well, sure). Annalee Newitz misses Joss Whedon. Sonic Reducer hated the new Lindsay Lohan album. Hooray For Anything got stuck directing traffic on Valencia this evening so no wank of the week. And to apologize for their absence over the past few weeks, the East Bay Express. Bottom Feeder gives some follow-up on the Stanford law student who became a prostitute and married one of the co-founders to Ask Jeeves.com. Apparently the law student was turned in to the IRS for tax evasion by Stone Cold Steve Austin's ex-girlfriend. A needle exchange group does one of those naked calendars to raise money. Is it just us or is that naked calendar thing getting kind of played out? People are getting botulism from a dirty batch of black tar heroin. Cover article: the dude who started dailykos.com (hey, did you hear there were a lot of bloggers covering the presidental election?). Places selling gingerbread houses, written up like real estate ads (FSBO). And hell yeah, a Jim Henson tribute band (the Dead Hensons) playing "upbeat hits" from Sesame Street, the Muppet Show, Fraggle Rock, and the Dark Crystal. (All together! One two three four five, six seven eight nine ten, eleven tweeeeeeeelve! The band notes that the funky guitar part in that song is actually kind of hard to play). The Weekly and the pick of the week, after the jump (let's all say it together: sorry, no Metro this week.) ...

...and it's the special silver linings edition! We're mixing up the format a little and starting off with the East Bay Express. Why not? Bottom Feeder reports on a fight in a Contra Costa condo complex where one person tore out someone else's topiary duck. So Method and Red. Gay couples aren't sorry they demanded equal rights. Cover article: Julia Butterfly Hill (the chick who lived in a tree for two years) started her own......