Do you still not have your New Year's Eve figured out? Have you still not secured your “If it sucks” Plan B or second-party scenario? For those of you not currently holding advance tickets to anything, we've handmade this artisan list of the best New Year's Eve 2015 parties in San Francisco with a smattering of East Bay action also deserving honorable mention. Whether you’re an Amateur’s Night amateur, a glam party professional, or a mortified blackout-er, here is your full inventory of the best Bay Area New Year’s Eve 2016 parties, raves, live music shows, drag shows, burlesque shows, free shows, stand-up comedy shows and shit shows (Yes, one of them is actually called “Shit Show”).

SERIOUSLY: Don't drink and drive! You may encounter surge pricing on Uber and Lyft, but Muni is free. BART is running ‘til 3 a.m. AC Transit is running a Sunday schedule for their all-night bus routes across the Bay. The Transit511 app is very drunk-friendly and will easily plot you a trip home if you need it

New Bohemia NYE at The Armory
Your larger-than-life, big-name DJ massive, possibly-mingling-with-porn-stars option is New Bohemia NYE at the Kink.com Armory. Deep bass maestros the Stanton Warriors “top” a line-up also featuring Scumfrog, Ben Coda and Bay Area legend Syd Gris in a party that offers humongous illuminated art, crazy performances and that special magic of “Whoa, we’re at the Kink.com Armory”.
The Armory, 1800 Mission (at 14th St.)

FREE Fireworks Gala at Pier 14
You can totally watch the fireworks for free at Pier 14 (or adjacent areas), but get there early because nearly a quarter million people will show up. Pricier and exponentially more awesome boat tour experiences are offered through the Speakeasy New Year’s Cruise, New Years Rock on the Yacht and New Year’s Eve Fireworks Gala Cruise.
Pier 14 or wherever, depending on whether you paid or you’re just showing up

Flaming Lips, Ratatat Tat, Tycho & more at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium
I have heard of exactly one of these artists. But that one is good enough to guarantee a worthwhile New Year’s Eve concert show, where the The Flaming Lips are joined by Ratatat Tat, Tycho, Gramatika, Geographer and nearly a dozen other maybe-good acts with whom I’m not familiar for an epic NYE show.
Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, 99 Grove St. (at Polk St.)

Image: Bootie SF

BOOTIE SF: NYE Shit Show at DNA Lounge
Mashup club Bootie SF goes full New Year’s with the 2016 NYE Shit Show, a mashup dance party featuring resident founders A+D, DJ Tripp and DJ Jimi G mixing the crappy-ass hits of yesteryear with the crappy-ass hits of today plus free "Best of Bootie 2015" CDs to the first 500 people through the door.
DNA Lounge, 375 11 St. (at Harrison St.)

Hubba Hubba Revue at The Uptown’s Grand Reopening
The Uptown is reopening, people! The now-defunct bar gets refunct with a Grand Re-Opening Burlesque Bash show featuring the Hubba Hubba Revue hosting Lee Presson & The Nails, Szandora LaVey, Jet Noir, Mynx d'Meanor, and more. “The Uptown has been freshly painted, polished and looks fantastic” Hubba Hubba emcee Kingfish told SFist.”We did over 400 shows in 7 years at this beautiful treasure of Oakland nightlife, and we are overjoyed to be back for it's Grand Reopening on New Year's Eve!" NOTE: Presale tickets are sold out, They are holding 100 tickets at the box office for walk-up sales. Box office (and doors) opens at 9 p.m. on 12/31.
The Uptown, 1928 Telegraph Ave. (at 19th St., Oakland)

A New Year’s Eve with Seth MacFarlane
This asshole? Yes, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane does a rare stand-up set and performs showtunes with the San Francisco Symphony in what promises to be a spectacular New Year’s show for those of you who enjoyed MacFarlane’s career-ruining 2013 Oscar-hosting performance.
Davies Symphony Hall, 201 South Van Ness (at Hayes St.)

Image: SF Oasis

NYE at The Oasis
It’s The Oasis’ 1-year anniversary! They celebrate it with New Year’s Eve! featuring drag superstars Heklina, D’Arcy Drollinger, and many others.
Oasis, 298 Folsom (at 11th St.)

House of MORE! at The Stud
Juanita MORE dishes up MORE fantastic NYE drag shenanigans with Glamamore, Go BANG!, and The Broni Mitchell Show at The Stud.
The Stud, 399 Ninth St, (at Harrison St)

EndUp in Wonderland
The EndUp turns into a Las Vegas/Monte Carlo gambling scene for New Year’s Eve, because why not. They will also have Cirque (“inspired”) performers and bars both indoor and out.
The Endup, 401 Sixth St. (at Harrison St.)

Image: Mezzanine SF

Chet Faker at Mezzanine
Big deal electronica star Chet Faker graces the stage at Mezzanine for a very glam and classy affair that will be pricey but probably really fantastic.
Mezzanine, 444 Jessie St. (at Mint Plaza)

Club Gossip feat. Daniel Ash at Cat Club
Yes, that’s the Daniel Ash from Bauhaus and Love & Rockets showing you how to stay goth past 50 in a very special edition of Club Gossip that also offers live sets from resident DJs Randy, Damon and Dangerous Dan.
Cat Club, 1190 Folsom St. (at 8th St.)

LOVE + PROPAGANDA NYE 2016
The former Vessel has reopened as Love + Propaganda, with a newly revamped sound system and French house music superstar Zimmer among many other New Year’s treats.
Love + Propaganda, 85 Campton Place (off Stockton between Post and Sutter)

Image: Eye Heart SF

Girl Talk, Too $hort and Amp Live at Fort Mason Center
A diverse musical bouillabaisse of pop stars rocks this megaparty on the water’s edge, featuring Girl Talk, Too $hort, Amp Live and the curious boast of the “#1 Bartender-to-guest ratio of any competing party in the USA”.
Fort Mason Center, 2 Marina Boulevard (at Laguna St.)

Maceo Parker at SFJazz Center
The funky sax of legendary Maceo Parker is embellished with a full 8-piece band, a Midnight balloon drop and complimentary sparkling wine that may or may not be actual booze.
SFJazz Center, 201 Franklin St. (at Fell St.)

Lil B and Kreayshawn at The Regency
East Bay fantasticos Lil B and Kreayshawn whoop it up at the Regency Ballroom with Kool John, “Stunnaman” of the Pack, Ashley All Day, DJ Slowpoke, Neto and So What.
Regency Ballroom, 1300 Van Ness (at Sutter St.)

Photo from a past Breakfast of Champoins: Finsthwait

Breakfast of Champions at The Midway
It’s a new venue called The Midway for the 16th annual Space Cowboys Breakfast of Champions 6 a.m. afterparty, but with the same still-awake-partying clientele and outdoor block party arrangements. “You bet your bitcoin we'll have a big street party surrounding our new home,” Space Cowboys managing producer Andrea Lundquist told SFist. “The street party will consist of dozens of tents, outside bars and seating, food trucks, a pig roast, art cars, our dynamite SF Food Bank volunteers gigging for other folks' breakfast and one giant 100' long tent with a KNOW:AUDIO soundsystem.” The truly hardcore will continue on to Supper of Survivors at Public Works (4 p.m.) and then possibly to the Emergency Room.
The Midway, 900 Marin St. (at Illinois St, Pier 80)