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May 13, 2005
Not only is the Essefficist thick in the final stages of a mammoth six-month renovation project, but we're also thick in the early stages of a brand spanking new job with twelve-hour workdays. With all of this overlapping mayhem (and with the morale-crushing dearth of answerable questions from you the reader of late), we humbly, three days late, present the following:
Dear Essefficist,
So I've got three weddings to go to this summer, and I just picked up a stylin' charcoal grey suit so I'll definitely look the rakish cad. Being single, I've found weddings a great place to meet the ladies. Problem is, the three weddings are for, in order: an old high school paramour, a cousin, and a friend from elementary school, and my parents will probably be at all three. So how do I pick up chicks without being too creepy? Should I simply sublimate any tendencies, or should I not feel guilty at all?
Anotjacksonymous
Continue reading "The Essefficist Scrapes Rock Bottom"
| May 3, 2005
We're not making this up. Any of it.
Dear Ms. Lonelyhearts, oops I mean Essefficist,
In the last week I have gone on two dates with a Canadian book artist whose DNA is 100% Frisian, i.e. parents from Friesland, which quite frankly I've never even heard of before. Apparently those Frieslanders are so fricking white Hitler did some kind of horrible research on them. Anyway, I'd hate to think that some last minute romance with a member of an obscure Germanic tribe would keep me from moving back to dear dirty Oakland. Please advise....
Miss Jean Brodie
Firstly, Miss Lonelyhearts, Canada, DNA, Friesland, Hitler, Oakland, and Jean Brodie. All clear?
Now, our advice: dump him. Come on home and make sure you've got unlimited long distance minutes on that little phone of yours. Or a man closer to home. No man is worth another month in Appleton. Even if he's Canadian. Or even an artist. And c'mon, you just bought a freaking house in Oakland. Stop hatin', fer cryin' out loud.
Continue reading "Real Questions the Essefficist has Received in the Past Week"