If you plan on falling off the wagon or going on a fatal bender, let tonight be that night. Why? Well, because some of the watering holes throughout SF plan on donating up to half of their profits to the Stop AIDS Project. Here are a few of the participating bars where you can altruistically get ripped to the tits tonight. Harvey's (500 Castro Street): Local bloggers Beth Spotswood, Sweet Melissa's Melissa Griffin, and...

OBAMA: Wonks, wannabe wonks, and people who overestimate their importance circle jerk to the sights and sounds of the future Prez accepting his nomination tonight. Join them, won't you? Here's where you can find them: - 5:30 p.m.: The California Democratic Party's SF Acceptance Speech Party, Hyatt Regency (5 Embarcadero Center, Grand Ballroom) - 5 p.m.: "I Accept" Obama Nomination Speech Watching, Roe Restaurant (651 Howard Street) - 5:30 p.m.: MoveOn.org's "Yes We Can!"...

MUSIC: Make your night an iPod commercial kind of night as !!! uses their signature dance-punk beats to get the ratty-ass kids on their feet. Sugar & Gold and DJ Jay Sonic also add spice to your evening. Also, the Independent's celebrates their 100th show this evening. Congrats, guys! 8 p.m. // The Independent (628 Divisadero) // $20 SOLD OUT COMEDY: Every last Wednesday of the month this Mission bar hosts a free comedy...

MUSIC I: All the over-educated white folks pretend they're down tonight when SoCal native Ice Cube hits the stage. Listen as he croons such solo and N.W.A. favorites as "It Was a Good Day," "Check Yo Self," and "Fuck tha Police". Yay! 8 p.m. // The Fillmore (1805 Geary) // $46.50 FILM: Every dork has their favorite sci-fi writer. Ours would be, for better or for worse, Samuel R. Delany. And at tonight's screening...

CLUB: Host of the Knockout's monthly 45 Club, Senator Soul (AKA Jonathan Hirsch) heads over to the other side of Market Street this evening to throw a new bash: Black Gold. The night, according to John Graham, R&B and "oozes with slow Motown melodies and humid Stax finger-snappers." Groovy, baby. 10 p.m. // KoKo Cocktails (1060 Geary) // free FILM: German director Christian Wagner's Warchild (Stille Sehnsucht) -- a drama about the psychological effects...

FILM: Oddball Films presents the first in The Silent Cinema Series of films honoring Silent Cinema and Buster Keaton. They start with the award-winning National Film Board of Canada documentary Buster Keaton Rides Again (1965) and end with Keaton’s "masterpiece of silent cinema," The General (1927). (Bonus: Vintage commercials of Buster Keaton!) 8:30 p.m. // Oddball Films (275 Capp ) // $10 (Seating is limited. RSVP is requested. For reservations and info, call 415-558-8117...

MUSIC: Adam Stephens and Tyson Vogel make up Two Gallants. They perform for free over in the East Bay. Do check them out. But be warned: their fans are rabid ones. (Note: Yes, this is over in Berkeley. Egads, we know. But at least we're not sending your someplace far off, like Yoshi's near the waterfront, or somewhere infamously bad, like 21 Grand.) 7 p.m. // Amoeba (2455 Telegraph) // free FILM: Watch Richard...

FILM: Did you know that Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope? Find out why at tonight's screening of Valley of the Dolls (1967), featuring Patty Duke, Sharon Tate, and Susan Hayward. 7 p.m. // Castro Theatre (Castro & Market) // $9.50 DANCE: WestWave Dance Festival honors "the shifting landscape of dance in the Bay Area through performances, film screenings and the premiere of a commissioned site specific work by Joanna Haigood, artistic director...

FILM: Bring your barbiturates and melancholy to the Castro Theatre screens two of Marilyn Monroe's finest . Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953) - the story of two showgirls, Monroe and Jane Russell, singing very gay songs and falling in and out of love - and How to Marry A Millionaire (1953) - featuring Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe, and Betty Grable as gold digging whores with hearts of gold - set the screen ablaze. Gentlemen Prefer...

THEATER/COMEDY: Rape jokes, tales of used condom sucking, attacks on politics, and a few poop jokes thrown in for good measure are just a few of the items that will have you guffawing (or barfing) in the aisles at Funny But Mean: Armageddon. Be sure to check out the latest installment of this cruel and unusual show, which has provides some of the choicest and edgiest sketch comedy SF has going today. What's more,...

USA's Scott Gault, Jamie Schroeder, Sam Stitt and Matthew Hughes, from left, take the start of their Men' quadruple sculls heat during the Beijing 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008. (AP Photo/Chuck Burton) Surely you're familiar with the Oakland Strokes. No? You might want to be. It's a great name, for one. For two, rowers will give you some of the most provocative crotch shot pictures of any sport. Oakland Strokes alum...

FILM: David Hoffman's Sputnik Mania - which takes a look back at USSR's Sputnik satellite, the Cold War, anxiety, and how everyone seemed to go batshit over Спутник way back when - screens tonight in the Haight. (Added bonus: Liev Schreiber narrates.) 7:15 p.m. & 9:15 p.m. // Red Vic (1727 Haight) CLUB/MUSIC: Country sensation Kitty Rose, along with Chickwagon and Ashleigh Flynn, put on a show to benefit the Wild Horse Sanctuary in...

OK, technically there's no local connection. But so many transplants in the Bay Area have told us tales of speaking-in-tongue Christians revivals (revivals?). And we didn't believe them. Until now. (Thanks Jameth!)...

READING/POLITICS: Speaker of the House, nutbag Cindy Sheehan's archenemy, and alleged war criminal Nancy Pelosi returns to town. Pelosi and her gayface eyes hit the stage at Fort Mason, Cowell Theater, where she'll chat about her latest literary effort Know Your Power: A Message to America’s Daughters. Aside from telling the girls of the world top stop acting like such little sluts - that's what these types of works are secretly about, right? -...

Do you have a way with the written word? More to the point, can you write cloying prose about minorities and the disenfranchised that the City is slowly eradicating? You can? Well, maybe you are San Francisco's next poet laureate! Mayor Gavin Newsom and the Poet Laureate Nominating Committee need someone to succeed housing "social activist" and poet Jack Hirschman. And if you win the sash and crown, according to the Merc, you duties will...

CLUB: That's it, kids. The shit is done. Tonight Trannyshack puts on one last Tuesday night mess. You done good, Heklina. You done real good. Farewell for now, high-art trannies. (Above: SFist favorite Fauxnique [Monique Jenkinson] performing at Trannyshack circa 2006 to Art Ensemble of Chicago's "Theme de Yoyo" with Falsetta Knockers, Cricket Bardot, and Kiddie.) 10 p.m. // The Stud (399 Ninth) // priceless FILMS: Heavy Metal (1981) - "Based on the popular...

CLUB: Ah, yes. Time and again Punk Rock Sideshow proves itself to be the most reliable (and delightful!) club night for thirsty drunks, loud-noise enthusiasts, cagey Polk Street ilk, those crazy kids, smokers, aging punks, and exasperated calendar editors who need to find yet another goddamn Monday night event to write about week after week after week. 10pm - 2am // Hemlock Tavern (1131 Polk) // free FILM: You know the place. You love/hate/love...

Branded "the literary equivalent of Rufus Wainwright" by the Chron - oh, Chronicle, you kill us! - Kirk Read is putting on a show, folks! And it's jammed packed with multimedia sorcery, poignancy, music, bon mots, hilarity, and a real live penis. (Check out a clip of the show right here why don't you?) We chatted with Read recently, demanding to know more about him, his show, his love of SF, and his drinking...