Turkey is the least favored part of any respectable Thanksgiving spread. (That, or the perfectly good stuffing you destroyed by adding walnuts and raisins to it. Why did you do that?! Oh god, I hate you so much right now for ruining everything.) But with a little prep work and thoughtful attention to detail, your turkey will move up in rank, somewhere between cranberries and that gluten-free wild rice dressing dish your cousin's girlfriend brought.

4505 Meats
While I can't claim vegetarian status, stuffing a bird inside a bird inside another bird and then roasting them seems like a guaranteed one-way ticket to Hell. It also seems like a first-class ticket to savory bliss. 4505 Meats offers the Grand Turducken ($380), boasting roughly 20 pounds of pure poultry, and is enough to feed 25 to 30 people. Enjoy, you crazy heathens. (Note: 4505 will not offer the Junior Turducken this year.)

Mary's Turkey
The chefs I talked to recommended Mary's. Very much so. The birds are free-range, vegetarian fed, never given antibiotics, no preservatives/hormones, and best of all, are raised in California. Natives, yet again, are best.

BN Ranch Turkey
Christened by the New York Times as the "pioneer of the good meat movement," Bill Niman's turkey are now available for preorder. BN Ranch birds start out at $98 and go up from there.

Turkey Saltimbocca
White meat is for chumps. It's for the confused. It's for monsters. But one way to render breast meat acceptable is by saltimboccaing the crap out of it. Enter Turkey Saltimbocca. It's a pretty basic recipe, one that involves sage, prosciutto, and Italian fontina wrapped in thin fillets of meat. Neat little packages. It takes some time, sure, but it also saves time since it doesn't require too much cooking or space in the oven. If your guests aren't persnickety about a rustic and/or classic Thanksgiving dinner, give this a shot.

Just make the Zuni Chicken instead
Here's the recipe. Serves two (three at the most), so double or triple it. The only tricky part will be finding birds small enough.