Daisy Does The Niners: Our Season Comes To A Heartbreaking End

(By Daisy Barringer)

It's 11:15 a.m. as I write. I am hiding under my down comforter, wishing it were raining outside, unable to force myself out of bed, wondering why it all went wrong. My red cape with the 49ers logo sewn onto the back is curled up in a ball on the couch across from my bed. My binoculars, the ones that let me see the Kyle Williams fumble that lost us the game up close and personal, lie next to it. My red puffy rain jacket, the one I bought especially for the game because I couldn't bear the thought of not wearing team colors, hangs on the door where I left it to dry.

My eyes are swollen. My throat is sore. My heart is broken.

Last night, as I was sitting on the steps of the 77x as it left Candlestick Park, my head in my hands, I wondered why I do this to myself. When the 49ers won the NFC West, my expectations grew. When they earned a first-round bye and home-field advantage, they grew even more. When the Giants beat the Packers and the 49ers beat the Saints, earning the Niners a home game for the NFC Championship, I actually knew it was probably too much for me. "I can't handle it," I said all week. Because I knew if the 49ers lost, I'd sink into a brutal depression.

The higher you climb, the further you fall.

I'm won't rehash the game here. If you're a fan, you watched it and lived it and the last thing you need is me recalling the fact that the Niners went 1-for-13 on third down, that our wide receivers were non-existent, that the terrible-horrible-no-good refs blew the whistle early making Bradshaw's obvious fumble unreviewable. And you definitely don't need me to remind you about Kyle Williams fumbling away our chance at the Super Bowl. Twice.

I guess what I'm left wondering today is why we do it. Why we give ourselves so wholly to something completely out of our control. Many fans won’t be able to relate. Yes, they love the game and sure, they were upset when we lost last night, but they got out of bed this morning and went to work and are already posting funny links on Twitter or choosing their Super Bowl team. I’m not judging those fans; rather, a part of me wishes I could be like them.

Instead, I am still in bed (it’s now noon), I can’t bring myself to even acknowledge the tweets/IMs/Facebook messages/emails/texts that have piled up, and I didn’t even bother going into work. And mostly: I’m just really, really sad.

In my entire life, I’ve only had one relationship that didn’t end (the one I’m in now, obviously) and after every single breakup, I always tell myself: I’m not doing that again. It’s not worth it. It’s too painful/exhausting/draining. Sure, there are parts of every relationship that are fun, moments that are almost as good as a bomb down the field for a touchdown, or a stunning fourth-quarter comeback. But, for all of those great plays, relationships also have heaps of dropped balls, quarterback sacks, three-and-outs, missed field goals, and muffed punts.

And yet, inevitably, after every breakup, I eventually find myself dating again. Because I guess, no matter what I say, there’s always going to be a part of me that loves the feeling of game-winning field goal. Can’t get enough intercepted passes. A part of me that really, really wants to get to the Super Bowl. I guess maybe there’s a part of all of us that wants that.

Which, for me at least, explains why I will always love the 49ers and always believe in love. (The former more than the latter, of course.)

I think what I’m trying to say is that I'm a shitty girlfriend, but an awesome 49ers'
fan. (It's funny because it's true?) Like relationships, I think when it comes to the 49ers and my fandom, I don’t even have a choice. I know the odds are against me in both instances. And yet? I still hope that this time things will be different.

Of course, when it doesn’t work out, the cycle starts again and I get bitter and dejected and sad. Last night, after the loss, I thought that maybe I should sell next year’s season tickets, that I should find something else to care about so as much passion, that I should stop watching football altogether. But this morning, even though I can barely bring myself to read the articles about the game, even though I am disappointed in the offense and incredibly frustrated with Kyle Williams, even though I am so depressed I can’t bring myself to get out of bed, I know that none of those aforementioned ideas are even a remote possibility.

Because even though this team has no idea who I am. Even though they don’t care about me as an individual. Even though my disappearance wouldn’t be a blip on their radar... the 49ers are my family. And when family lets you down, you don’t abandon them. You support them. You remind them of everything that’s amazing about them. And you thank them for the best season of football you’ve ever had the pleasure to watch.

Now that the 49ers season is over, so is my time as your SFist 49ers correspondent. (For this year, anyway). I am sorry to end on such a depressing note, but I just want to say how fun it’s been covering the Niners this year. It was truly an unexpected and magical ride. And I know that with a little time, I’ll look back on it with fondness.

I really believed this was our year. That we had something no other team had. That we were headed to the Super Bowl. Even though the latter might not be happening, I still believe those other things. Anyone who watched all eighteen games this season isn’t likely to ever forget the raw heart and clear determination of this team. The phenomenal play of our special teams, determination of our offense, and dominance by our defense will stay etched in their minds forever. And certainly no one will ever forget what Coach Harbaugh came in here and did his rookie season. It was, after all, only two wins short of spectacular.

Thank you to everyone who read these posts, to the 49ers players who gave it their all, and to all of the Forty-Niners Faithful who came out to the games, wore red, and screamed their asses off. What a ride it has been.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s probably time for me to get out of bed. After all, the bills will keep coming, the world will keep turning, and the tear stains on my cheeks aren’t going to wash themselves off.

Plus, I have a hotel reservation in Indianapolis to cancel.

As always: Go Niners! Can’t wait for next year.

Contact the author of this article or email tips@sfist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By Brock Keeling in Arts & Entertainment on January 23, 2012 1:30 PM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

Tommy

Don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. Heartbroken, but that's how it goes. I'll be wearing red and getting loud at the first home game next year because that's what we do.

Tommy

Thank you for taking the time to right the column by the way. I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope you'll be back next season.

KatieMeares

Daisy, I just finally was able to bring myself to read your article because I knew it would make me cry...again. I totally bawled like a baby at the end of the game - like, total air-sucking, heart-wrenching sobs. While everyone else was filling out of the bar, with hugs and "we'll get 'em next year" I was thinking no, no no no NO!
I just felt like this was our year - I haven't loved a team like this in a long time and I just wanted it for those boys. Especially Frankie (ugh, tearing up again!) and Willis - guys who carried this team when there wasn't so much as a division title in view.
Losing the way we did was just salt in the wound. Not that I would have rather lose a blow out, but it was RIGHT there for us to take and we just didn't. I can't even blame a single player - Williams was put in a tough position and slipped up. It shouldn't have even come to that play. And...this is what it's been like in my head that last 2 days - I need to move on. Maybe in a week or so?
Pitchers and catchers report in 24 days, hopefully a new Giants season can help take the edge off.

They had an amazing season and I'm really thankful for that. Hopefully we can get back here again next year. Go Niners! xo

daisy barringer

I can relate to everything you said here. It just sucks. End of story. :(

Anthony Carrick

I'm still in a haze of depression over this one. It's just tough to swallow. In many ways it reminds me of the way I felt after the Roger Craig fumble some 20+ years ago when I was in jr. high. Like then, the toughest thing to swallow about this one is that the Niners gave this game away. It wasn't like the losses to the Cowboys and Packers in the 90s, all of which were decisive wins by the opposition. The Giants offense did nothing in the second half. The fumbles handed them the win. The upside is this team is young. The defense is built to dominate for years. The offense is still just finding itself. Smith and Davis are now a big play combo. The niners need a big receiver. Someone who can get open. Crabs is good but he isn't a premiere guy.

EW77

you should check out Frederick Exley's 'A Fan's Notes'

daisy barringer

Someone gave it to me for my birthday this year, actually. It's making it's way, slowly but surely, to the top of the "To Read" pile.

EW77

it is a pretty insightful look into the emotions of a rabid sport's fan. granted, Exley had a lot of issues that played into his fandom, but it is still a great book.

anniebanannie9

While the fumbles didn't help...they weren't the sole reason for loss. The fact that there was only one conversion on a 3rd down, and many opps with very good field position, also lost that game. It should have never come down to overtime. Williams made a mistake and tried to be a hero, but his was not the only that cost the 9ers a Superbowl trip.

On the plus side, 9ers are in great position for next season, which is cold comfort now, I know, but should be encouraging in the long run.

SMB

Hang in there. The combination of dejection and residual anxiety made it difficult to fall asleep even though I was exhausted by the time I got home. I only slept a few hours and had strange dreams that I thankfully don't remember the details of. But for me, something good came of this. I got to work tired and cranky and immediately found myself in a conversation with a foreign (doesn't understand American football), co-worker about the game. Not good. (OK, ALL my co-workers are foreigners, and I have faithfully served for many years as their ambassador to all things regarding American culture - but this was not the time), Then my boss came in, also more cranky than normal due to some issues with a flaky equipment vendor. He engaged me, and then managed to cram all his most annoying and frustrating characteristics into a three minute span of conversation and I LOST IT (very uncharacteristic for me), dropping about 10 F-bombs in a 15 second span. Before I left I tonight I apologized for my unprofessionalism (this is a real word, screw the red squiggly line) and gave notice. There is some funky cooking smell coming from the apartment next door and it is not mixing well with my Jim Beam. Persevere.

daisy barringer

Wait. Just so I'm sure I'm understanding: The 49ers caused you to QUIT YOUR JOB?

latopia

thx for the laffs, tears, honesty and faith. your gig was a midseason discovery for this ex-city ex-rockridge ex-sausalito ex-larkspur ex-san-anselmo ex-city dweller and the only thing that was as minty-new-fresh (besides alex smith) as the 9ers themselves. we almost made it. and as much the end hurts, it was the best ride since, well, forever.

JoelSF

This is my fault, I dropped my recent Niners hate to support them (tepidly, I admit...I went to the Y to work out in the second half) in yesterday's endeavor and apparently thus jinxed them. Sorry Daisy.

tlhinman

Giants fan in SF here... congratulations to the Niners on an excellent season. It was a hell of a game.

That said, please stop complaining about the Bradshaw play. The refs blatantly screwed the Giants at least twice in the Green Bay game and they still found a way to win. And I could just as easily point to Vernon Davis stepping out of bounds on the first touchdown.

daisy barringer

That's what you took from this post? Wow.

tlhinman

Whoa, easy. I was referring to two comments above; perhaps I should have picked one to respond to.

daisy barringer

Ha. Fair enough. I mean, I did complain about the call. And I probably will for another day or two. I'm sure you can understand why.

Good game. Good luck in the Super Bowl.

tlhinman

I understand completely, just like I think Davis was obviously out of bounds. :-)

And thanks; good article.

fizzandpop

This what Ed Lee said on Facebook (no he didn't threaten to kill anyone)

“San Francisco is proud of our San Francisco 49ers. Today’s was a hard fought game and even though we all hoped for a different outcome, our hometown team’s amazing season will continue to inspire us into the off-season. Let’s all congratulate the players, Coach Harbaugh and the entire 49ers coaching team and staff for reaching the NFC Championships and playing an incredible season. We can’t wait until kick off next season and we will carry the Red and Gold until then. Go Niners!”

norfizzle

I finally signed up for Disqus(had an SFist profile before the breach) just so I could comment on your column!

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your columns this year. You perfectly captured the feelings of excitement this season brought. Can't wait for next year!

Go 9ers!

daisy barringer

Thanks for taking the time to sign up and leave me a comment. I LOVE COMMENTS. (Well, nice ones, anyway.) :)

Go Niners!

Matthew Lynch

DAISY. Don't cry...for no one on planet Earth save Jim Harbaugh or Patrick Willis would have said our beloved team would have made it to the NFC championships with a 1st round bye....NOBODY.

Why do we love the 9ERS? Cause we are a competitive franchise. How would you like to be a Chiefs fan, or Browns fan? Talk about misery, lets put it into perspective this year it would be more
disappointing to be a Packers fan. Who goes 15-1 and loses big time at home in Lambeau in round 1?

The refs non-fumble call was a crime, and Kyle Williams tried to be a hero instead of thinking and protecting the ball and his play. I think the stupid refs and stupid league just want to see a big market re-match with BOS v NY i.e. East Coast BS.

It hurts to lose to NY. It was great to beat the Saints but at least Sean Payton and Drew Brees have class instead of the Giants D-Line...hate em and their fans. Eli looks like a special needs kid.

Finally I asked myself which would I rather have: No Fumble by Roger Craig in 1990 against NY, or Kyle Williams smart plays, and no stupid Ref calls in yesterday's game? I pick the 49ers of 2011-2012. We played with all of our heart, were the underdogs for the entire year, and have a turnaround coach with a badass D. All we need is more Offense and we'll be golden again. They barely won.

Never QUIT, stay in Love with the 9ERS. All relationships have ups & downs else they would be non-human and unlovable.

Can't wait to see what Jim & the boys can accomplish next year, and who cares who wins the Superbowl on February 5th....Since NO ONE HAS IT BETTER THAN US.

susie ochs

I am a Packers fan (living here), and you are so right. It does hurt to lose to NY and Emo Manning at home. I feel for the Niner Faithful today, but dang that was a hell of a turnaround Mr. Harbaugh pulled off. Never quit indeed.

daisy barringer

I think I'm done with the crying. I will admit: I was bawling like a baby when Kyle Williams fumbled the ball in OT. Like: sobbing. But I agree with you: it was too amazing of a year to end it with tears.

Thanks for reading all season!

And of course I'll never stop loving the Niners. It's what I do. It's who I am.

OCaptain

Thank you very much for the articles, Daisy! They get passed around at work and at my husband's place of business. We love the way you write and your perspective on the game. Please keep up the good work and we'll look forward to reading your previews and reviews next season!

daisy barringer

Glad to hear I'm having a negative impact on productivity in the workplace. SUCCESS!

Seriously though... Thanks for reading. I'll be back! (RIGHT, BROCK?)

hillarys_new_shoes

Chin up, Daisy! Thanks for the fun reads all season long!
(Full Disclosure: I am not a 49er fan, yet love your column.)

But as a long suffering SF Giants fan - let me tell you with regards to this excellent passage:

>> I really believed this was our year. That we had something no other team
had. That we were headed to the Super Bowl. Even though the latter
might not be happening, I still believe those other things.

I really think it is über rare for a team to seemingly run the table, make the playoffs, and win the championship. The best SF Giants team I saw play ('93, '00) never got there. One didn't even make the playoffs, the other got bounced in the first round. The Seattle Mariners who set a record for most victories in a season met a similar fate a few years back. The 1985 Chicago Bears, I think, are the exception to the rule. Even those plucky NY Giants "shocked the world" by sending the Patriots to their first defeat in the Super Bowl four years ago.

BUT - they will do it. They will do it for you and it will be so much sweeter, probably due, in part, to the bed-locked depression you are dealing with today. And they very well might do it with a roster that leaves you shaking your head and wondering how-in-the-hell-did-they-even-get-here.

I know this reads like a bunch of crap, but you'll get there and it will be wonderful. Besides:

>> Plus, I have a hotel reservation in Indianapolis to cancel.

I'm pretty sure the Sports Gods couldn't abide with you celebrating a championship in freaking Indianapolis. I mean, really.

Next year is in New Orleans! The Forty-Niners have some pretty historic history in New Orleans that NO BODY needs to remind this Denver Broncos fan about...trust me. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S...

Until next season....

daisy barringer

Very few people have managed to spin this in a way that was palatable for me. This comment has come the closest. xx.

Zach Moura

Thanks for the articles, Daisy. This season I looked forward to them almost as much as the games themselves.

alexlewis

Interesting note on the Bradshaw "non-fumble". The ref throws the beanbag (indicating fumble) when the ball comes out and well before any whistle is blown.... In other words, something happened to change his mind and try to convince everyone that he didn't throw the beanbag and that he blew the whistle... Not trying to start any conspiracy theories but it doesn't add up.

pete_mac

Ball goes out, you throw the bag/hat. Doesn't matter if whistle was blown or not... or if its a legit fumble... it's just in case. Loose ball. Sorry, by the rule, he was stopped, moving back. The conspiracy is only if that's how they were calling it all game... you guys lost bc you stopped running the ball. Not too bright.

daisy barringer

Dude. WTF. I'll investigate further. Thx for reading. I know you're as bummed about this as I am.

monkeymafia

Just a great lil' article - that's exactly why we choose teams to root for. The highs are awesome and the lows are unjustifiably frustrating and can feel personal at their worst.

Dry clean yo' cape and keep it in the back of your closet kept in that plastic laundry bag until home game #1.

daisy barringer

Thank you for reading. The cape is still crumbled in a ball, but as soon as I can muster up the energy, I will do exactly what you said. xx.

fizzandpop

Props to Harbaugh for the turnaround, but does he have to be such a humorless fuck? He's got that look about him that sucks the life out of a room. I hate people like that, just sick of the sight of the mealy-mouthed, super-serious. The silicon valley is full of them. They're all awesome at what they do and everything, but good god, would it kill you to unclench a little?

OCaptain

I disagree with you. I thought Singletary was the "stone face". I have loved watching Harbaugh's passion and support for the guys coming off the field and how expressive his face is when he's not happy about a call or, conversely, very happy about what's going down on the field. I've enjoyed watching him this year.

PorkedBun

Bill Paxton looks like Harbaugh and has a good acting range. Maybe we can sneak him on the sideline to give the performance you're looking for.