Daisy Does the 49ers: Adios, Playoffs
San Francisco 49ers head coach Mike Singletary, left, argues a call with head linesman Dana McKenzie in the second half of an NFL football game against the Philadelphia Eagles, Sunday, Dec. 20, 2009, in Philadelphia. Philadelphia won 27-13. (AP Photo/Mel Evans)
Well kiddos, that’s a wrap. With their loss against the Eagles yesterday and Arizona’s win against Detroit, the 49ers are officially out of playoff contention. Again. For the seventh year in a row.
It was a painful game to watch due to three Alex Smith INTs and a Delanie Walker fumble 8 yards from the goal line… all in the first half. Even numerous icy cold beers couldn’t help to numb the pain. Combine the horrible play of the 49ers with the third most annoying fans of all time (#1: Dallas, #2: Green Bay, #3: Philadelphia) and it’s a wonder I only threatened to kick one guy’s ass the entire time if he didn’t “shut the fuck up.” Give me a losing football game, a few beers, and a dude with a ponytail in an Eagles’ jersey and I will give you nothing but class!
Speaking of annoying Eagles fans, I have to say: I am done with Kezar (the “Pub & Restaurant” on Stanyan, not the “Bar & Grill” on Cole’ that place is still perfectly mediocre and acceptable). For a bar that is located directly across the stadium where the 49ers began their existence, it’s pretty appalling how little love is given to the home team and fans. Even worse: they’ve let Eagles fans completely take over the joint.
Eagles fans are notoriously The Worst. They are so ill behaved, that the city of Philadelphia had to install a courthouse and temporary jail in The Vet to deal with unruly fans on game day. I went to a MNF game there in the mid-90s sporting a Jerry Rice jersey. (I know: I wore a football jersey in public. It’s so white trash and amazing, but I was young and didn’t know any better!) During the fourth quarter, when the 49ers had the game in hand, I was cornered by five Eagles fans in the women’s bathroom who pushed me against a wall and start screaming obscenities at me. Terrified, but brazenly intoxicated, I yelled, “Check out the scoreboard” before ducking underneath them and escaping out the door. But seriously: Five against one? In the bathroom? Really? At least Niners fans just taunt those who wear the visiting team’s colors in the bathroom about their tiny penises. (Or so my guy friends have told me; I’ve never personally experienced the men’s room at Candlestick. Thank God.)
During yesterday’s game in Philadelphia, Eagles fans, apparently bored with their team’s imminent victory, decided to start pelting 49ers fans with snowballs. But when that grew boring, they turned on their own players resting on the sideline, Andy Reid (their coach in case you’re really not a sports fan but for some reason still reading this), and eventually nailed an Eagles’ cheerleader. Sure, those Philly cheerleaders aren’t the cutest girls in the world, but they cake their face with makeup, wriggle their asses to crappy pop songs and shake those pom-poms like it’s nobody’s business… all for just $50 a game. Maybe, um, don’t throw snowballs at their heads?
And while the Eagles fans at Kezar certainly didn’t throw anything at my head (or m ass), they did insist on following every single touchdown with a rousing rendition of the Philadelphia Eagles Fight Song. Every. Single. Touchdown. “Fly Eagles Fly, On the Road to Victory…” I’m watching football, you losers, not Glee. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. (Because that asterisk is really making this post super family friendly.)
But anyway, at least I’m not bitter! So the 49ers blew yet another shot at the playoffs. Honestly, I’m used to it. And even more than that, we’re not a playoff caliber team. Had we made it to the first round, I would’ve just had my heart crushed into a bloody pulp of despair. (I mean, you know, if I had a heart or whatever…)
As it stands now, the Niners are dunzo and I can finally relax and spend the next two Sundays drunkenly stress-free as I watch my team try to win both games in order to avoid a seventh straight losing season. And I will do that… just as soon as I stop wallowing, sulking and pouting.
Happy Holidays. May yours be full of merriment and mistletoe, with only minimal amounts of family drama and drunken tears.
Next Week: SAN FRANCISCO over Detroit.