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The aggressively provincial rich bitches of San Francisco tell the luminous Catherine Bigelow how to end a party. In lieu of, say, telling guests, "Hey, thanks for coming, but Chelsea Lately is on now. Scram," these ladies employ more refined tactics to get guests out the door.
Behold:
Ann "Your Son Scares Us" Getty: To get guests gone from one of her allegedly famous caviar- and Kobe beef-laced holiday parties, Getty "employ[s] a crack around-the-clock security staff." Then, she has any stragglers rounded up and killed. Presumably.
Alexis Traina: When she's not spending inheritance money rightfully belonging to Sean Wilsey, Alexis likes to look pretty -- something she's very good at. When she's finished being pretty, Traina likes to throw lavish parties. When she's done hosting said parties, she passive-aggressively gives her guests coffee. "In times of desperation," Traina tells Bigelow, "bring out coffee in to-go cups."
Dede "French Is A Faggy Language" Wilsey: If her infamously crispy hair won't get them out the door, the deYoung diva unleashes the hounds. "One of my tricks is to bring my dogs out," says Wilsey. "They're really yappy, so that usually clears the room."
O.J. "Who?" Shansby: She has the name of a wife-beating murderer. Would you overstay your welcome at her home?
Charlotte "Wife of George" Shultz: "When it's clear a dinner is over," Shultz says, "George will reach into his slacks and pull out a freshly soiled pair of Depends. Then, he starts waving it around." Or, something like that.
Be sure to read the article in its entirety over at SFGate.
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I pass gas or start crying and my guests always leave.
Call the cops on yourself, duh. Why doesn't Getty do this?
Say Brock is coming over with some Brandy Ho's takeout.
You really can't eat Brandy Ho's for takeout, gotta sit at the counter, witness the magic and enjoy fresh. Srsly...are you people savages?
I cannot believe that Alexis Traina is the only one of those socialites to even remotely understand get-the-fuck-out protocol: Have your servers circulate with orange juice in to-go cups, or perhaps the caterers whip up some scrambled eggs, a la "it's nearly breakfast time, that's how late you've stayed, bad guest" while you have a member of the household staff at the door to dispense coats and things. This isn't rocket science, for god's sake.
haha Wilsey acting like Monty Burns..."Smithers, release the hounds!"
great lede