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Here’s the thing: I’m a Bad Fan. I cuss and yell and get angry. For obvious reasons, my behavior becomes even worse when the 49ers are losing. (And, yes, the “obvious reasons” are alcohol, frustration and desperation; an amazing combination no man can resist.) But here’s the other thing: I know I’m a Bad Fan, so I at least attempt to minimize the annoyance that it must be to sit anywhere near me at a game.
For example, yesterday, I was surrounded by Titans fans at Candlestick Park. There were at least ten of them within spitting distance arm’s reach. Som within the first few minutes of the game, I turned to them and told them that I was likely to say horrible rude things, but that I only behaved that way for three hours every Sunday and they shouldn’t take it personally.
I actually managed to remain quite composed for three quarters. But eventually the three turnovers in the second half (that the Titans converted to 17 points) and our defense’s inability to stop a 1-6 team was more than I could bear. So, when a very scary Titans’ fan with talons-for-fingernails painted Tennessee red and blue started taunting me, I did what any girl in my position would do.
I called her fat.
“That’s right you skinny bitch,” she responded. “But at least I can eat whatever I want. At least I’ve got something to grab onto.”
To which I replied, “I love cake. Look at my ass. I’ve got something to grab onto!”
That’s right. I took the best compliment of my entire life (“Skinny Bitch”) and instead of just saying “Thank you” like a normal person, I yelled something about cake and showed her my ass. Amazing.
I guess this is the time where I should probably tell you what happened during the game, make some attempt to explain to you how the 49ers managed to make us all believe and then take that belief and turn it into utter disappointment. I should write about how Alex Smith architected four turnovers and looked nothing like a number one draft pick. He may be better than Shaun Hill, but does anyone really believe that this is the guy who is going to take us to the playoffs? (Sure you can argue that not all of the turnovers were his fault, but I’m not going to get into semantics because the point of the matter is, without those four turnovers, we win the game. He had the ball. Then they had the ball. I don’t care if it was tipped or fumbled or whatever. A turnover is a turnover is a turnover. And apparently, according to earlier statements, the only kind of those I like comes with apple in it. I mean, LOOK AT MY ASS.)
There is probably a mathematical equation that somehow still gets the 49ers to the playoffs. We beat Chicago, Jacksonville, Seattle, Arizona, Detroit and St. Louis. The Cardinals lose to Seattle, Tennessee, Minnesota (ugh, I have to root for Minnesota? THE WORST.), SF and Green Bay. Or they can go 9-7 as long as we beat them when we play them Monday night. But do I actually believe there is a chance in hell that is going to happen? That the Niners can win all of those games? Sadly, no. I think the playoff race will be long over by the time we see them in December. We haven’t won a game in 35 days. We’ve made costly errors and shown we are incapable of playing four quarters of football. We have the heart, but the skill just isn’t there yet. I’ll keep cheering on my boys because that’s what a fan does and, honestly, I want to still believe. But for now, for today, I just don’t.
Now could someone please bring me a piece of cake? All this sadness is making me hungry.
Prediction for Thursday night’s game: SAN FRANCISCO over Chicago.
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I am pretty sure I called a Titans fan fat as well... and may have told a hot co-ed that it was past her bed time at 4pm. It was hazy though. It was hard to see what I was actually doing through the tears and the whiskey fumes. At least we only have to wait 4 days until we play again. Niners over Bears for sure.
I don't think you can turn architect into a verb. Otherwise, best post yet.
i think i am in love.... with the poster, not the tub of whale shit in a titans jersey.
I enjoy reading the tales of your tumultuous relationship with the 49ers.
Yeah, I like reading these too (although I'm a Bucs fan) but I think Daisy has cursed her team...aren't they 1-4 since she started writing these?
Dammit. I was hoping no one would notice that. We haven't won a game since I declared we were going to the playoffs. I am The Worst. (Nice job with Green Bay on Sunday.)
"LOOK AT MY ASS."
I like the way you say that.
Guy in the first pic is looking at you like a meal.
Or maybe there's a corn dog over the photographer's right shoulder.
Petunia Pig is just mad that her team sucks the donkey balls and got STOMPED by my Patsies 59-zip.
I'm gay and don't even follow football, yet I have this odd appreciation for these reports.
Yeah Sunday was a crushing loss. and you can 'samsung' anything into a verb. see?
Daisy, I can't really tell if you have something to hold on to or not unless you post a naked picture. Can you go ahead and post one please?
What, no story on the Thursday win over the Bears (just as you predicted)?
I hope it wasn't anything I said about your ass that made you stop writing these reports. I really like them, and I promise to only make appropriate, football-related comments in the future.