Retail Spending Recovery Driven By Cheap Shit

Good news, all! Retail stores saw their second consecutive month of sales increases in October, which amounted to retail's best overall performance in over a year in this here Great Recession. But for the most part, the stores that saw the increases were places like Costco, TJ Maxx, Marshall's, Kohl's, and Ross, which all sell "designer" candles and bath towels for pennies on the dollar. Sak's and Nordstrom's also saw small increases, but chains like Macy's and Neiman Marcus continue to suffer, decreasing 0.8% and 6% respectively. With the dreaded Black Friday clusterfuck nearly upon us, we can only imagine the renewed fervor with which mothers and daughters nationwide will be putting on their running shoes and gobbling up those "doorbusters" mere hours after gobbling down their turkey. Wake us when it's all over.