New Oakland Bishop Named

Magic-believing crazy person Pope Benedict XVI announced today a brand spanking new Bishop. Salvatore Joseph Cordileone has officially been announced as America's Next Top Bishop of Oakland, "making him the principal voice of moral authority for some 400,000 Catholics in Alameda and Contra Costa counties." According to SF Chronicle, Cordileone, 52, was the auxiliary bishop for the Diocese of San Diego. Bishop Cordileone, we must admit, looks kind of sexy for someone at such an advanced age. We would not at all have minded him touching our bathing suit area while giving us "private communion classes" as a kid. Congratulations, Joe!

Also, Cordileone "inherits a diocese that has staked some $190 million on a new Cathedral in downtown Oakland." $190 million on what's basically a mystery house? $190 million?! Disgusting. At least throw in a few lofts, a Quizno's, or something; otherwise, see you in Hell.