Prop. 8 Opinion: Let's Just Ban Marriage Altogether
Shamelessly breaking boundaries here at SFist, we're letting budding SFist star Tiffany Maleshefski use the first-person voice with this opinion piece. Not because youu Editor necessarily disagrees with the sentiment; it just works better this way.
By Tiffany Maleshefski
To add one more outraged voice to the mix, I too will echo the sentiments expressed by millions of others today, on how the passing of Proposition 8 is not only heartbreaking and disappointing, it’s unjust, unfair, and a complete breach of privacy. And while this measure dukes it out in the courts, I say we move forward and begin preparing for the next election, where we do not need to plan on resurrecting Proposition 8 (or anything like it for that matter). Rather, I’d like to propose something that digs into the personal lives of people even deeper. For me, Proposition 8 kind of doesn’t go far enough.
Here’s my proposal. Let’s just ban marriage altogether.
I’d like to get everyone on board with a new measure I’m calling the “Divorce Prevention Initiative.” I think marriage is so sacred, that really, the only way to preserve its sanctity is probably to make sure it never happens in the first place.
Let’s all think for a moment think of all those terrible anti-marriage people who file for divorce. They’ll all tell you: I should’ve never gotten married in the first place! Am I right? Just think of how many celebrities wouldn’t have to get divorced, if they just didn’t brazenly get married altogether. Just think of how we many high-powered CEOs could continue having affairs with their interns without risking harm to the purity of this institution. And of course, let’s think of the children. Imagine how better we’ll all feel when we have to stop blaming our kids for mommy and daddy’s marital woes.
Or better yet, this will definitely help clarify those situations when their parents have to explain that mommy and daddy are actually cousins, so daddy is also your second cousin. I think. And those instances when you have to explain why Uncle Ted’s new wife is 13 years old (and possibly one of 7 other wives).
We won’t have to have mixed feelings at the altar when someone who is likely to be a pedophile performs this sacred vow we take. And come to think of it, so many husbands out there won’t feel the pressure to simply hop into marriage because they want to run away as fast as they can from that fact that they’re gay! So they CERTAINLY should have never gotten married in the first place!!
Now, I know this could impact the economics of Las Vegas where drive-thru and fly-by-night marriages have pumped millions upon millions of dollars into this holy tradition, but I’m sure as couples feel less pressure to spend between $50,000 and $100,000 on something that always isn’t built to last, it’ll free up more disposable income for family vacations and gambling.
That’s right. I say we go forward with a proposition so hell-bent on preserving the sanctity of marriage, that it abolishes marriage completely. At the very least, it would protect this time-honored tradition from the unbelievable amount of hate that’s ironically been directed at something that is supposed to be about love, patience, kindness, acceptance, and understanding.