When the Hayward fault loudly declares itself to all, Loma Prieta will seem like it was just a relaxing massage. According to Wired, the fault will give the Bay Area "a Katrina-like disaster."

Only more so.

But unlike in the areas affected by Katrina where more than half of the $125 billion in losses was insured, only around 8 percent of homes and businesses in the Bay Area are insured against earthquake damage, according to new research by Risk Management Solutions in Hayward.

"Our models suggest less than $10 billion will flow into the Bay Area from insurance," said seismologist Mary Lou Zoback of RMS. "And the insurance money comes fairly quickly compared to money from federal and state programs."

Yikes. Thankfully, we rent. But according to that map, when the big one strikes, which should be any second now, we'll be as flat as a Ti Couz dessert. (If you can't hear our screams for help, it's been real, y'all!)

Woodside and Atherton, however, look like they and their treasure chests full of precious jewels will come away unscathed. Bah. So lucky, those filthy rich folk.

But if we do survive, we know only one person we want to cower behind during the post-apocalyptic days, weeks, months after the big one. Sean Penn. Just like in New Orleans, the Academy Award-winning local is sure to be marshal law-ing around town with a firearm or two. Head for Tosca, people. He's your only post-quake hope.