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After some debate on the authenticity of Dolores Aguilar's obit in the Vallejo Times-Herald, which if you recall was shockingly brutal, we got to the bottom of it all.
Turns out Aguilar's obit is real - mighty real, according to an anonymous editorial spokesperson at VHT. In order to publish the damning obit, the editor staff did something unprecedented. "We demanded to see Aguilar's death certificate brought in by a blood relative" before going ahead with the obit, our source tells us.
Also, just after SFist posted the story yesterday, the Vallejo Times-Herald pulled the obit online right-quick. It seems Legacy.com, who hosts the paper's online obits, yanked both the notice and the guestbook after receiving "over 200 responses" that bordered on cruel and offensive. (Just like Dolores!) Legacy.com, we're told, prefers its commenters to never speak ill of the dead. Good luck with that.
But if you've access to a print issue of this weekend's Vallejo Times-Herald, you can find the obit in there, or read it here. Oh, and be sure to hold onto it. That issue is a keeper.
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Awesome.
Amazing--thanks for the follow up, Brock!
I believe it's for real, I just want to hear some of the gossip that made that obit so angry.
The obit can be found here:
http://redwolf.newsvine.com/_news/2008/08/17/1757371-obituaries-dolores-aguilar
...or, you know, here:
http://sfist.com/2008/08/17/rip_bitch_dolores_aguilar.php
i thought the obit was spot on for a really nasty person that nobody will miss. i'm sure it was quite helpful for the folks that need to try and move on with their lives.
just goes to show you that nobody likes an asshole.
repent!
I just don't understand the idea that you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead. Why the hell not? No one hesitates to talk shit about the living, so why should shuffling off the mortal coil change anything?
Dear Ungrateful Child who composed my obituary,
Cluck Cluck!! This obsession with hatred will net you millions, now that America has made it Cool to Hate. I am looking down from heaven above, onto a relatively cloudless day in Burbank. I see a Reality TV executive in a tall building who is reading that FILTHY obit, and drawing up paperwork to offer you your own reality show entitled, "My DEAD MOM WAS A RAGING WENCHBALL AND SO AM I".
Jesus and I are sitting on the front porch to heaven, and he just kicked his sandals off. He told me that even though he is a total farce, he has forgiven me for all my sins, and that the "eye for an eye" bullshit and voodoo your Religious leaders all preach is fake. He'll be blogging about it all tomorrow.
Now. You, dear child. You felt the need to vent petty anger and hatred for a dead woman in the form of a vengeful obituary, so tomorrow, someone will accidentally bump you at Starbucks, and the coffee that spills onto your vagina will be very VERY hot. Later that day, 4 pigeons flying above your rat trap house in Pacoima will shit all over the Shirley Jones wig (that you stole from me) as you sit on the patio, applying your Lee Press-on nails. On Friday, a new technician at your gynocologist's office will helplessly fry your right breast in a mammogram accident as the machine malfunctions, ripping off 3/4ths of your nipple.
Sounds awful, doesn't it? The turmoil you'll experience. My, my my. This chain of events that your hateful diatribe has caused will do no harm to me, only you. Because, you stupid moron, I am already DEAD. See how that works?
The power of your collective UGLY is magnificent, but you've only just begun to harness the magnitude of the evil that dwells within the core of your being.
Let's review again: You did no damage to me, dear. I'm dead-- remember?
Wait til you die--your illegitimate cockroach grandkids Saeed, Jayci and Sienna will collaborate on a similar nasty obit for you.
Because you have taught them everything they need to know.
Yours in the Love of Christ,
Mom
Dear GhostOfDolores,
Conveniently, the ugliness in your child's soul was brewed like a fine keg of beer, not spontaneously generated. Someone had to engender that hatred, and that person was you. Trust me, I'm an expert on this sort of thing.
One of the things I've laughed about longest today is the petty revenge you and your newfound friend Jesus seem to delight in on your "ungrateful" child. Spilled coffee? Malfunctioning mammograms? That's the reason I left home at an early age (ha ha!) - it sounds like nothing's changed back home and you're still making people miserable because they don't belive in the archaic idea of judging people by their beliefs, not their actions.
You, Dolores, were a spiteful, mean-spirited, and hateful person who contaminated her children and everyone she touched. Even if you and your daughter are identical in every other way she differs in one major capacity - she has realized you were a terrible person and spoken the truth. That's something I actually value, despite smear campaigns to the contrary.
This obituary was not written to hurt you, it was written to expose the truth of your terrible life to those who still live. Maybe they will mend their ways for the better. I certainly hope so.
One last thing. A gross clerical error perpetrated by your blisteringly strong hypocrisy and self-righteous condescension has caused your post-mortem residence to be incorrectly assigned. Despite common belief, 'accepting Jesus Christ' does not outweigh a lifetime of conscious sin and evil - especially if said sin was performed in his name, or after the 'acceptance'.
Your new residence is as follows.
Canto 13, Bolgia 6
The Malebolge, Inferno
See you soon!
Yours in Majesty,
Lucifer the Light-Bringer
The obit's made it to Snopes. Here's some additional follow-up :
http://www.dailybreeze.com/ci_10241014
Dolores was mean and hateful, that's for sure. But she loved a Dirty Sanchez like nobody's business, and that's what I'll remember most about her. And that she didn't mind if her hair got a little "sticky". Sigh.