-- Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: A typical night at the cabaret this is not. The last time we saw Connie Champagne perform (during her stint at the Plush Room), tweakers were passing out in the audience, drunks wept into their vodka rocks, and Connie busted out a dead-on tribute as Judy Garland. Performing Garland's classics (like "San Francisco") as well as songs she might have crooned ("Bohemian Rhapsody" and "A Case of You"), Champagne shows us just why Garland should be remembered as the punk icon she is, not just a tragic figure of, ugh, camp. Curtain goes up at 8 p.m. (tonight and tomorrow night) at New Conservatory Theatre Center, 25 Van Ness; $28.

-- Kelley Stoltz, Jennifer Gentle, the Dodos: Local folk-rock chap Kelley Stoltz performs in the Mission along with Jennifer Gentle and the Dodos. Show starts at 9 p.m. at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission; $10-$12.

-- Jake Johannsen and Dat Phan: The Late Show with David Letterman regular and winner of Last Comic Standing's first season, respectively, do what they do best: stand up comedy. Hey, at least it's not improv. Two shows at 8 p.m. and 10:15 p.m. at Cobb's Comedy Club, 915 Columbus; $20.

-- "Nickel Bag of Funk": Funky world beats, old-school hip hop, and your garden varieties of funk bounce along with you on the dance floor, starting at 10 p.m. at the Makeout Room, 3225 - 22nd Street; $5.

-- Mommie Dearest: Watch Joan Crawford (played by an equally-scary Faye Dunaway) beat the living shit out of her daughter. Hilarious! Show starts at midnight (tonight and tomorrow night) at the Bridge Theater, 3010 Geary; $7.25.