Ask a Muni Driver
This week, we're going to do a Very Special Edition of "Ask a Muni Driver" as our driver is going to give us his list of "Things That Annoy the Crap Out of a Driver." He's also asking submissions from SFist readers to list their "Things That Annoy the Crap Out of Muni Riders." We've probably beaten that into the ground by now, but either post a comment in the comment section or e-mail me at jon@sfist.com and we'll put together a list for next week.
Anyways, back to the show.
This week I’ve decided to go a little bit off the grid and throw some stuff out there that nobody asked for. Here’s my Things That Annoy the Crap Out of a Driver list (least annoying first):
--Money. Please, people, please: If you’re paying cash, get it out of your purse/backpack/pocket/shoe before you climb the stairs. It’s beyond annoying to see someone talking on a cellphone, carrying a purse or backpack that could easily hold the Grand Canyon, spending five minutes leaning on the fare box, blocking everyone else’s efforts to get on the bus, counting out pennies from the nether reaches of their bag.
--Kids and money. Even though parents seem to think it’s cute as hell to let their darling try to put the dollar in the fare box, the rest of us just think the little rat is an untalented genetic nightmare with dexterity development issues. Parents, if you need confirmation of this, just look at the driver’s face, or scan the frowning visages of all the other passengers and you’ll have your answer. Save the cute stuff for homemade videos and grandma’s house.
--Backpacks. Carry one. Love it. But if it’s too damn heavy for you to hold by the top handle using your hand, dangling it down around your legs where it can’t do any major harm, you have too much stuff in there and should consider simplifying your life a little (or a lot). Nobody appreciates being smacked in the face, crotch, or any other body part by your wildly careening, heavy backpack as you attempt to twist and turn your way down the length of the bus towards the one seat in the back you AND your backpack won’t fit into.
--Umbrellas. Close the damned things BEFORE you get on the bus. The risk of getting a drop or two of polluted rainwater on your hair as you mount the steps is negligible compared to the thrashing and/or lawsuit you may be facing for putting out the eye of the little old lady/certified maniac/card-carrying former Federal prisoner sitting closest to the door. Those hyper-fashionable umbrellas ending in seven-inch stainless-steel spikes? Point that thing at my face as you’re coming up the stairs one more time and I swear I’ll….
--Strollers. How can you need a conveyance that’s only lacking a Honda engine to be considered a car in order to carry a 12-lb. baby? And what makes you think you – or even you, me, and four of your sighing, straining friends – can get the damned thing up the stairs? Side question: how often does that creature evacuate its digestive tract, anyway? Do you really need an entire 24-pack of Pampers, 4 bottles, 27 toys, and three fresh outfits? If the eighty-year-old grandma from Chinatown can carry two babies slung over her shoulders one behind and one in front with a simple swath or strong fabric, and a pink plastic bag holding two diapers and 1 bottle dangling from one thin old arm, why can’t you?
--Crossing. Many of you seem to be genuinely unaware of this fact, but there is NO traffic law that prohibits cars from continuing to move forward in their lane, even if a bus is stopped and unloading passengers onto the sidewalk from its lane. This means that just because I’m stopped, it may not be a good idea from the survival/Darwin point of view to step nonchalantly out into the street in front of the bus under the assumption that all the traffic YOU CAN’T SEE on the other side of the bus either a) doesn’t exist because you can’t see it, or b) will stop because drivers know how important it is for you to cross the street right at that second. Man, am I tired of honking at dumbass passengers who are about to be roadkill in front of my eyes.
--Boarding. Here’s a simple math lesson: If you let folks EXIT the bus before you try to BOARD the bus, the odds GO UP that you will get a seat. If plain old self-interest doesn’t work for you, it’s a sure bet any lecture about common decency and simple good manners will fall flat. Sheesh!
--Crowding. Okay, most of you probably hear this phrase in your nightmares, but still: “MOVE TO THE BACK FOR CHRISSAKES!” Nothing back there is more likely to bite you than what’s up front, which is a driver who can’t bloody see and would really, really like to.
--Double-parked cars. If you ever think San Francisco could effectively enforce a no-smoking-on-public-streets law, consider this: I have NEVER seen a double-parked car sitting smack-dab in the way of a bus lane, or even in the bus zone, get a freakin’ ticket. I know the cops have better things to do, but so, my dear passengers, do you. And the rude bastards who double-park are slowing down the buses more than any other factor. I mean that. Nothing, but nothing, slows me down more than the incredible plethora of double-parked cars. “Double Fines for Double Parking”??? They could’ve saved the money spent on the signs.
--Coffee shops. Okay, this is kinda a continuation of the above, which apparently bothers me even more than I thought. So here goes: Dammit, I know your coffee is important to you in the morning. But you don’t have the right to stop bus traffic (and other cars too, stuck behind me and cussing MUNI) just so you can avoid the parking space halfway down the block and dash into Peets or Starbucks, where you will inevitably wait in line for 10 minutes before obtaining your fix. We all love caffeine, but if you can’t even think through parallel parking your SUV so you can get your joe in a civilized manner in the morning, maybe you could spring for a really good home espresso machine. You can afford it. Rudeness this breathtaking really makes me long for the phaser setting marked “destroy”.
I would love to hear your “Things That Annoy Me About MUNI Drivers” list.